Reporting the mods

He also has ADHD severe enough that the military was willing to let him take adderall. Now we're living somewhere that it's an annoyingly controlled substance. It can't be the state because his brother was able to give him a bottle. (It was something that his brother didn't like and they can get meds for nephew just fine.)

Anyway, would any of the people with ADHD be able to figure out how I can get him to unpack from the move, or is it that he might like having junk thrown everywhere even if he complained about it with my stuff?

 

My spouse is also unmedicated ADHD, never got diagnosed as a kid, never had medication or therapy. And he has severe sleep apnea (the doctor said it was one of the worst cases he'd seen in years) to the point that his symptoms mimic narcolepsy. So his already impaired brain is operating with oxygen starvation as well. I'm autistic and have chronic back/neck/shoulder pain. He still does his damnedest to accommodate my needs (and I his) an and works to get shit done that needs doing.

We use tools like reminder apps in his phone, I'll send him messages at certain times of the day, and we have a big white board calender where we write things down. He makes the effort to structure his day around a predictable pattern so that at least some chores are muscle memory. The thing is, he wants to make an effort. It's not easy, we don't always get everything right, and sometimes we're both too burnt out, and just churning through basic functions is all we have energy for, and sometimes I come home from work and the house is a fucking disaster zone pigsty (we have three kids, it happens) and that stresses me out so bad, and I have zero reserves to deal with it so all I can do is retreat to our room and space out at the computer because higher brain function just ain't happening.

But you bet your ass he puts in the effort, and when I'm overloaded and on the verge of shut down, he shoulders the work. If I was sick and we lived in a hoarder house, and I told him a big reason why I was sick all the time was living in squalor, he'd be attacking that shit with a shovel and a dumpster. Because I'm more important to him than stuff, and he'd want me to be healthy more than he'd want to keep shit.

Dealing with unmedicated ADHD is a bitch and a half, but you bet your ass that he's the one that takes responsibility for it. Attitude makes all the difference in the world: instead of "this is hard, it's YOUR problem" he says "this is hard, can you help me? I'm going to make an effort and figure out a system, too."

 

ok there's a lot to unpack here, but let's see if my currently half-medicated adhd ass is up for the challenge

• your spouse is (presumably) a grown ass adult and needs to act like one
• you also need to treat him like a grown ass adult and talk to him and ask him what he thinks would help
• if he gets hostile to meeting you halfway, he might need to consider therapy
• there's no "getting [someone] to do things," there's talking to them and asking them to do things and trying to figure out what his obstacles to doing the thing are
• holy shit your marriage sounds unhealthy, and seems like it's another factor contributing to your alcoholism
• seriously he treats you pretty badly
• nothing you've said about this relationship gives me any confidence that it's a healthy one for either of you

 

1-3 is that while he was in the military, they kept treating him like an 18-year old even though he joined at 26 or something. (Yeah, I should know this, but I don't even know what numbers to plug in for figuring it out.) Meanwhile, I was barraged with the idea that my duty was to be his complete emotional support. If I didn't want to be the scaffolding to him serving his country, I didn't deserve to be his wife. (Here's the part where someone starts a new thread to talk about bucking cultural norms. I was either a dependapotamus, completely existing for his benefit, or I was completely living my own life with no examination about his influence affected it.)

We did couple's therapy while he was in. (The guy was really excited to meet a couple that was kinda novel in that we were both blaming the military instead of each other. That never went anywhere useful.) There's veterans therapy within walking distance. I haven't pestered Hubby to see if he's done much. I talked to my hoarding group-leader to try and arrange a meeting, but I guess that was a flake that I should try to glue down.)

This is where the focus should be... right here. Should I start a new topic like I was thinking? How do I phrase it to keep things on track to what I was aiming for? Why will he design and print something that keeps his cat off of his computer, but he won't hang up his laundry? I'm kinda EFD myself so I kinda get it, but I've been trying to work on it.

OBVS "you can't change someone even though you're married to them" or otherwise being married to me should have negated all of that mental-change stuff that happened on his first deployment... (The military managed it because he spent 9 months with very limited contact with the outside world, even internet. A housewife hasn't got a chance of that level of brainwashing.)

Um, if you could reiterate everything after that if you still believe it after this new information?

Mental note, figure out if anything @Lizardlicks said hasn't been addressed in the reply to:

 

For anyone paying attention, I think that there is something going wrong in https://kintsugi.seebs.net/posts/847446/

I recall something about me just wanting agitators like lex and vivec out, and maybe extending it to not letting flood happen, that was reason enough to accuse me of wanting to control the narrative. While Spock hasn't abused mod-power, and I haven't noticed anything getting wiggled, I'm still being treated as lesser.

 

I assume based on your mention of a veterans group that he's no longer in the military

that indicates to me that he needs to find ways to move past that mindset and learn what it means to be an adult outside of the military

and that needs to be his responsibility, no one else's, or else any attempts to teach him this are gonna fail

that's an unhealthy idea even in the best possible circumstances

it's entirely possible that this wasn't useful bc you two were both blaming the military

it might be more productive if you went in with the idea that maybe both of you need to change

but none of this is going to be at all feasible until you get sober, so please go to rehab

I'm glad we're in agreement that this is a thing that needs attention

but just to make sure we're on the same page, do you mean the focus should be on how to talk to your husband and communicate with him?

personally, I find that doing as much of the conversation over email or text message is very helpful for staying on track

if that's not workable, then write out bullet points of the things you want to say to your husband

having written records is generally helpful when trying to keep track of what has happened in a conversation

my answer as an adhd person: bc the cat being on his computer is more of an annoyance than having laundry in a basket

the cat is annoying him now and the laundry isn't going to go anywhere, so he can take care of it later

except that "later" never happens bc other annoyances (or more fun things) keep popping up

this is good! I'm glad you're learning these skills, as they're very important in all aspects of life

you can use the things you've worked on and the things you've learned to help manage executive functioning issues to help your husband

consider showing him the things you've learned and talking about them with him

I'm still fairly sure that your relationship is unhealthy

you've mentioned in at least one other thread that your husband has thrown things at you

that's never ok, and it's not a thing that happens in healthy relationships

even if he wasn't aiming directly at you or he missed or he didn't mean to hurt you

nothing resembling physical violence happens in healthy relationships (unless bdsm but this isn't the place to talk about that)

I also think that your reports of him throwing tantrums over your stuff but not taking care of his own is extremely concerning

so yeah, I stand by saying that I don't think your marriage is healthy, and that I think your husband treats you badly

but I also think that sobriety is going to have to happen before marriage counselling has a chance of helping, so please go to rehab

 

Yes. The problem seems to be that you're still drunk and so there's no productive way to argue with you.

 

Oh, thanks... I'm kinda wondering why I didn't think of that. (sincere) I finally stole a laundry basket after I'd been at my mom's house for a laundry-load. (Took longer than you'd expect because I had to do laundry at my aunt's house because of a broken washer.) I'm a floordrobe user, so it's more a common symptom than the actual problem.

I'm kinda lost on what I'm doing about my own EFD because he seems to be doing much better than I am as far as assigned tasks. Somehow his only responsibility from when we first got married shifted from "tell me to do laundry with enough time that it's not an emergency or even interferes with me sleeping" to him just doing his own laundry. (Actually, happened during rehab, so fuck a therapist for causing a small contribution to the problem.) Now it's just "make sure food is ready" and I'm about to give that up so I can get the fucking book-hoard arranged properly. (A good collection has out-flow. I'm ready to give up my worthless-edition DROPern for e-editions and random bags from a booksale if you need to be surrounded by books like you were in your mom's biliophile shrine.)

 

I think that thread is specifically to document interactions between you and Spock in a single space, so there is a single-stop record of the things you two have said to each other, in the order in which it was said.

@spockandawe , can you confirm or deny the above?

When you talk about wanting a thread with controls for flooding posts/agitators, it sounds like you’re talking about something Kathy suggested- which was that you start a discussion thread in TCHCB that's not limited to a specific conflict or topic, where all participants would be subject to the same moderation rules as you. Is that the case?

I think you said earlier that you tried to start a discussion thread like that yourself, but it was not approved.

If that’s what happened, would it help if someone else started a general discussion thread for you in TCHGB?

I was thinking of offering to start it myself, but I’m having an anxiety flareup and it might be a while before I can psych myself up to it.

 

A new thread about the PPC?

 

There's always TKD.

 

my brain parsed that as Tae-Kwon Do. ??????

 

Okay, a bit of chicken and egg, I've got a lot of talking to Sven to do tomorrow and so help me I would go to his office and be an annoyance if he kept regular hours. (I called him two weeks ago to tell him I was back in town. He could have at least texted me.)

I think hubby is between head-shrinkers, I've got to find a couples-counselor, and hubby is still open to talking with Sven Hoardguy.

Throwing things @ me seems like just a way to express frustration. It is pretty bad when the sink is always full and the frying pan is always dirty. The hoard is enough to drive me to drink and I like stuff.

 

This is not a healthy way to express frustration. It breeds fear and puts you in physical danger. This is abuse.

Please, please, for the love of all that is holy, bring this up if you two end up going to couples counseling. After you go to rehab.

 

I'd kinda like a little debugging on bigotry. Ask questions if you don't understand what I'm getting at.

This was supposed to be the apology @Kathy Jones, but I guess it was a crappy one and I got somewhat of an explanation why it was wiggled two days later. It's not like I understand where exactly the right thing and the wrong thing is, either.

I was also pretty out of it when I woke up and started typing. It got a little better after the hair of the dog.

But really, could I be a brick in the foundation that leads to bad things? By not hearing the dog-whistles for what they are, and thinking that they were good things, was I helping to make people like that shooter... well, not feel so wrong because he wasn't alone in his beliefs?

 

That is not what I said. What I said is on p. 39 of this thread, if you would like to reread it.

To reiterate:

I suggested that you read the following two links that explain why the myth that Jews control the media is both a) a myth and b) a belief that forms the basis of a lot of anti-semitic thought and action. These are the links:

https://www.adl.org/media/5137/download A classroom education resource for explaining antisemitism

https://jewishcurrents.org/essay/the-soros-myth/ An essay on why the Soros myth (a form of the "Jews Control the Media" myth) is a tool of right-wing extremism.

Then I said this. I am repeating it in full because the phrasing is important.

I did not say that you are a mass shooter. I said that you are apparently dedicated to ascribing to and repeating one of the beliefs that has motivated acts of antisemitic violence in the past month, and I said pointed out how weird it is to decide to die on that hill.