Reporting the mods

Podcast won't help, but thank you for the offer.

Maybe a bit of... there was a post I made I think this morning or last night... something about how I came across as "snappy" and I asked it to be rewritten in more of the tone I was going for, and then people said it was too sarcastic to be possible or something.

Future coupon, please... something I write tomorrow will probably be "bad" so if I could ask you for a rephrasing? Or there's probably something in the wiggler that I'd like to see the rephrasing of.

 

Idk if this is just different upbringing or some shit but to me that would say
"wow I must be really bad at communicating and should change something"
not "Literally everyone else in the room is malicious".

this is the kind of thing a therapist or case worker or even self-help guru you're paying to help you with effective communication would do, not random folks on the internet who have better things to do

I'm gonna bow out for a couple hours now, i still got like 50 pages of essays on islamic feminism to read for class tomorrow

 

This is not self-deprecation or abusive, for the record. It follows the tips I gave you.

This is you just being honest about your feelings, without throwing in nuggets about how it must mean you're subhuman.

I'm sorry you feel awful. I am doing my best to continue to give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to take this moment to say thank you, again, for listening to me and removing the abusive material from your signature. I appreciate that you saw my hurt and responded appropriately, even if it took the second time around.

People viewing you as a bad person right now would be because the vast majority of things you post have...hella fleas. Like, so much that it's nearly impossible to take you as being good faith but ignorant, because a lot of us have had to deal with the exact same style of posting and opinions but...deliberately done to upset and distress. I mentioned before that a lot of your posting mimics narcissistic abuse.

I have seen that you can engage with intent to help and with compassion though. Your posts in my thread, again, have been helpful and sweet and I appreciated them. I do not think you are a bad person, I think you've absorbed a lot of toxic beliefs and want to get better. I do not believe you deserve to be treated poorly, and maintain that I will speak up if I feel you are being treated poorly. I have done so every time so far that I have been participating in this conversation.

I want to be on your side. I wouldn't be putting in so much effort into each of my responses if I didn't want to help you. And I do! I want to get to know sober athol and talk to her about fishkeeping 'cause that's one of my special interests and I think we could have cool conversations.

Being kinder to others has to start with being kinder to yourself. More things like the above are an excellent start. You are a person, you deserve kindness, you deserve compassion. You are not lesser. You are not irredeemable. You have some bigoted beliefs, you can be quite thoughtless and self-centered, but that doesn't mean you stop being human.

It means you're flawed. Everyone is, you've just got a lot to work through. But I have faith that the person you'll be when you've managed it will be a lot healthier, happier, and fulfilled.

Yes, absolutely. Remember I did that for you once before in PM as well. Going back through that might be helpful.

 

I think I'm a practicer.

 

Well, I tried to change things and the yelling got louder. I guess since I don't have an income to pay someone to help, I should just stop trying to socialize.

 

Also, thank you for acknowledging my offer of a podcast with a sincere thank you for the offer. That's a small thing that makes my effort feel appreciated and noted, rather than ignored. This is very helpful for maintaining a productive conversation and offering an exchange of emotional labour.

Small things like thanking people for taking the time to read and respond with advice, even if you don't fully understand what they are saying, is good practice to get into.

Similarly, remember my earlier tip of how to ask for conversation to slow down or for an adjustment of tone, such as:

"I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now, can you give me some time to respond?"

"I'm very upset and can't respond clearly right now and do not want to lash out, could the thread be locked for a bit?"

"I'm feeling very attacked right now and I would appreciate it if [thing that upset you] could be eased up on, because [explanation of why it upset you, do not self-denigrate or threaten, just provide a brief summary of why it makes you hurt]"

 

Not the correct conclusion, I understand how you got there but that's not what's being asked of you. A suggestion you've received multiple times before is engaging with non-fraught topics. I would suggest putting the Fine Imported Drama section of the forum on ignore entirely.

Edited to add: Also, phrased passive aggressively. Rewording:

"I don't have the income to pay someone to help. This is making me feel like I should just stop trying to socialize."

 

Sidenote: I think it's reasonable to ask people to slow down or not ping you, but asking unilaterally to have the thread locked is absolutely not reasonable.

 

I honestly think it depends on the content being posted and this thread has been locked previously because she was too distressed. If she's legit on the edge of a meltdown, and given that this has become an entirely athol-centric thread rather than being about mod ethics at this point, it seems fair to me?

eta: also in the interest of reducing mod labor, asking for people to slow down or if she recognizes she's on the edge of lashing out, for it to be temporarily locked, reduces the amount of effort the mods need to put in to moderate her posts. Obvs it's mod discretion on whether or not they feel the thread should be locked but i feel that her asking for that is within her rights as it's, her thread.

further eta: by content being posted i mean what she's doing. sorry i wasnt very linear in my thought patterns here, my bad.

Example where i think it'd be fair for athol to request a thread be locked for a bit: now, honestly? She's not currently at this time posting anything Hot Takes level of offensive, everything is clear communication issues, the mods are having to work hard to keep up with the volume of posts, she has clearly and concisely expressed distress, the thread is moving very fast and is primarily people saying the same stuff.

Example where it would not be fair for athol to request the thread be locked for a bit: if she has been posting offensive things about mods or other forum users or fraught topics, or lots of self-flagellation, not making it clear she's distressed and in danger of lashing out rather than trying to control the conversation.

 

Hey, how about we lock this and start a Dragon Prince thread so I'm forced to talk about that instead of things that upset everyone?

 

Or.. She Ra hasn't come to Netflix yet, so if someone gives me a link that won't get me arrested or forces me to ask my husband to pirate it, I could leap in on that one.

 

You can start a dragon prince thread if you want. You aren't being forced to talk about anything.

eta: that's an excellent start though. if there's not a she-ra thread you could start a place for discussion and ask for links there.

 

I want someone else to start a Dragon Prince thread.

Please, I do not want to be the owner of that thread. I want it to happen, but I feel that I can't start it properly and trying will just come with bad feelings and fights.

There was a ohjoysextoy panel that talked about how being forced is sometimes a good thing.

 

@Kathy Jones' response put it way better than I could have and certainly addresses it better than I would have. What I want to add to this is a bit of perspective, in some dim hope that you might unbend from all of this, or at least look back when you're in a better state and really think about what you've done.

I did throw you a bone. A big one. (I'm throwing you one last one here, too.) While it didn't cost me too many spoons, I still went way out of my way for you, particularly by trying to give you resources. I stuck my neck out, and you proverbially bit my head off. Not with chewing me out directly, but with your shitty behavior. I don't expect a thank you, but I want you to really think about that one. I went out of my way to do something for you that currently wasn't something you could do for yourself, and you tell me (in the end, considering the original comment that set me off for a good while) that I'm not even worth the notice of common chores. I got out of my way, and you insulted a very massive part of my identity, not even mentioning others' as well. I did you a fucking favor I didn't have to only to be told I'm less than human.

I don't give two shits if you come off as entitled, or don't say thank you, I didn't do it for the thanks. I did it as one human being whom understands suffering trying to help another that is suffering.

The effects of your words were thankfully dampened by the fact that I have good support here (thank you to those whom reminded me to take care of myself), and I've put in a lot of effort to learning to cope with my emotions and taking responsibility for my own self-care. However, that doesn't erase the absolute fury it induced. WORDS. HAVE. MEANING. The sooner you sober up, the sooner you'll be able to understand that. You said a lot of shitty absusive horrible things, and soon or later you're going to have to deal with it, whether you want to or not. There will come a time when you really won't have the option to walk away like you can with the internet, and I hope you learn that soon, so you don't end up finding out what's below rock bottom.

When you do that to people, me included, they aren't going to throw you a bone. You need to give to get, and you sure as fuck did no giving and do a lot of getting, rather than stopping and asking yourself "what will I actually get out of this?" Idgaf if you do it for selfish reasons or whatever in order to make this shit stop, just fucking stop and at least do some basic pros/cons of BOTH THE GOOD AND THE BAD OPTIONS.

Like this:

> list of the pros and cons of not dealing with X Thing that upset me
> list of pros and cons of actually dealing with it constructively in ways people have praised me for
> compare them

> bonus list of things you can do instead of drink, or at least delay drinking for as long as possible (five seconds, five minutes, five hours, doesn't matter, as long as there's delay)

Maybe it'll give you some insight, I don't know.

 

One, this starts out with a hackle-raising dismissal of what's bothering me.

Two, Have I ever talked about how I never tracked-down my weird processed-food allergy that caused me to spend my entire childhood in a brain-fog that was worse than being drunk?

 

Personally, I think you need to do that for yourself. You need to learn to make things you want to happen get there, including how to not do shitty things that make people upset with you.

I also really agree with this, because I think you're starting to slip into deep arts with this, Athol. Stop before you drown.

 

I haven't seen the show, but I will start the thread for you.

However.

Again. Nobody is forcing you to post in this thread. And making a sexual comparison is not appropriate. Especially one to consensual non-consent. Which, your phrasing does not allude too, if I couldn't hazard a guess at the actual context that comment would have sounded for your reference as "rape is sometimes a good thing". I'm not saying that's what you said.

ETA: I'm going to start this single thread for you, so you can have a comfortable space. Next time, as Jove pointed out, you should do it for yourself.