Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

kitchen attack round 2: FIGHT

got a load of dishes waashing, finished sorting recycling stuff, cleared roomie dishes from living room and got them washing too, soaking pan from thanksgiving that had casserole in it all dried up. got myself something to eat for dindin. made my way back upstairs Sans Kricket bc she decided my helpful nudging wasn't good enough lmfao. didn't want any of that. so here's hoping she doesn't barf downstairs or something.

im exhausted and in pain now so that's the last round of the night. i've got pt tomorrow morning and i ain't looking forward to it. actually ive got a busy ass week this entire week and its, admittedly, gonna suck a bit but :loud shrug: whatcha gonna do, amirite.

 

i accidentally every single episode of Ever After High in one sitting. whoops. hyperfocused into wall. it's 3:30am.

BUT YET, MY FACE AS I TALK ABOUT THIS HYPERFOCUS EPISODE WITH A FRIEND.

 

if you like travel + food vloggers like me, check out Miss Mina/SweetandtastyTV. Mina is super sweet and very excitable and she shows a ton of things about everywhere she goes. :D

I also really like TheFoodRanger, and people I've followed for literal YEARS now are SimonandMartina. Martina has EDS and chronic pain and it's a growing struggle for her to function, but they're so in love and have such a strong affinity for enjoying everything they can out of life. when they lived in korea for years they did so many cool videos about so many places, and now they live in japan.

 

the last of my doll supplies arrived earlier and I'm very excited. with it came my huge roll of hook and loop, and a lot of small clear elastics.

I have until Summer to finish fixing up my god tier again, and to try making something new. i want to make something kinda fancy, or that will at least stand out even in the chair or for brief standing pictures. i'm not sure what to make yet.. but i know i wanna make Something.

 

fingers crossed i have the spoons to go here tomorrow, it looks tasty.

 

love this girl's videos, they're very soothing to watch.

also i finally started to poke at MLP and I'm enjoying it so far. now that it finally wasn't being shoved in my face, i felt safe to go enjoy soothing multicolor pony show.

 

made it to therapy and it was. interesting. talking about it here bc it was positive experience overall and i know other people go through the same problem i'm having rn, so wanted it out of scream pit and in more public view. in talking i realized that a lot of why i'm so sad all the time is because my Have Not/Can Not pile is 100x bigger than my Can pile and it's overwhelmingly stressful for me. So many things hinge on me being able bodied/able minded enough to handle things to reach those goals, and I just. I don't know if I can right now. I don't know where to start to build myself up, even. It's very overwhelming and idk what to do with myself tbh. :<

the other problem is, she was focusing on telling me to take pleasure in small successes and small things i can do but.. most small things i can do don't give me pleasure, because being praised for the things i should (yes, the bad word again, but humor me) be doing already is.. sometimes really bad feeling. like being given head pats and a sticker, like being treated like a kid. i take pleasure in success when i can get it, but my eyes are focused so firmly on goals that are out of my reach right now because the in-between puzzle pieces are missing that it drives me bonkers.

there just HAS to be something I can do. this is really starting to drive me batty. between the physical and the mental, i don't know what to do with myself.

but the takeaway up side is she wants me to do a mood tracker sheet so we can try finding specific themes and things that can help narrow down potential triggers and workarounds. i keep forgetting to do one of those bc.. well. i get into a haze of bad and hopeless and useless and its just.. embarrassing?? embarrassing. it embarrasses me to no end as much as it makes me miserable. Sux.

 

oh hey, we are therapy homework twins this week! And also reason not to want to do homework twins! I had to download an app to my phone and set at least three alarms per day to record and i'm like. what we're gonna find is frustration being the main thing which is frustrating in and of itself?

As an educator and someone who literally had to learn to sit up and also a new way to use the bathroom i think I'm less averse to stickers though, I just ordered a bunch bc the shiny star means I DID SOMETHING IT'S THERE AND I CAN SEE IT over time, whereas if i make dinner/clean the kitchen/label the bedroom organizers, those sorts of tasks that ultimately make up a more livable space can get lost in the shuffle but i still want to celebrate them bc it is undeniable forward progress. Maybe not as much as I want as fast as I want but closer to what I want nonetheless.

I feel like there can be a fine line between "praise" and "acknowledgement" and you can try to find a way to acknowledge your progress. I find that using "little me didn't learn how to do this safely" or "older me would not want this me to be so hard on myself much like I am protective of little me for surviving and doing her best" to be at least effective at getting my inner voice to stop being so judgemental and closer to value neutral.

 

yeah, it's a hella fine line i'm still trying to sort out. bc at my core i WANT praise and attention and acknowledgement as well, but wanting the praise embarrasses me too and then getting it just makes me feel weird. 8l; it's like there's no winning, bleh. also hell yeah, stickers are really cool actually. i keep wanting to just. hoard them instead of ever use them, though. which defeats the purpose, i know, but it's that strange sense of finality. i need to get me a sticker journal or something :/

maybe having a tangible tracker would help, but god i know i'll feel so shitty when i inevitably miss some days if i get a streak going orz that's been a problem already, with the whole lack of focus and stuff.

 

oh. also i did go to that cafe i mentioned up thread. i got a Dr. Seusss, and an orange cranberry muffin. atmosphere was nice, i wanna go back again and try finding some comics. they have local artists there.. maybe someday i can make some ashcans and see if they'd sell? i also saw some fairy tale books i wanted, one of them was very old and called The Blue Fairy. aesthetic as fuck tbh. when Hoska comes through town again i want to meet them there instead of the barnes and noble cafe nearer to my house. it'll be a double bus ride but totally worth it tbh. and the fact it's across the street from my psych means future visits are Totally a thing that'll be happening. :P

the drink was... good i guess?? i wasn't crazy about it, i think she missed the peanut butter portion of the drink blend, so it was more like a very sweet latte with some strong almond in it. kind of like drinking a sweet almond cookie? not quite what i wanted but it was warm and pleasant enough. and the muffin's only orange flavor was a glaze on top. no cranberry flavor to speak of. but it was big and tasty and very fresh so i'd say it was worth it at the time. gonna try another flavor of coffee next time and see how it treats me.

 

i feel better from what was starting to brew into another SadFace time. I realized it'd be dumb to job hunt right now anyway for several reasons. I have a few Months of multiple appointments a week with different doctors already lined up that I can't miss. I'm potentially adjusting my medication. I need my wisdom teeth out and that's expensive if I didn't have medicaid (I think that is indeed what was causing the problem, bc ALL OF THEM are acting up now 8/ I'm still gonna go in to dentist on wednesday likely, in case something else is wrong, but God i hate teeth. they're canceled. 8//////// evolve me better teeth dammit ) I also still need to get the other leg worked on which would be ridiculously out of my price range as well.

also i'm laughing, my friend in Singapore showed me the star reading at the civic center for my sign this year and it's basically Shit across the board in money, health and otherwise. I'm wondering if all this and the school not happening is like. a sign or something. take the year to get stable and get my feet under me metaphorically and literally, and proceed as needed in lower gear instead of high gear and see how it goes in the second half of the year.

feel very soothed now.

also, friend is doing a photograph a day of their travels and now i'm thinking of doing a doodle a day. A Challenge Has Approached.

 

best part of my cat being so clingy: when it's bedtime i lay on my right side and make room on the pillow, make a noise with my fingers and palm, and wait. kricket will rush up purring, flop down on the pillow with her back to me, and fall asleep. when she relaxes and changes position i adjust as well so i can sleep. she wakes back up, grooms me thoroughly and tries to navigate around my bangs, and then starts to sleep and snore and oh god it's so cute having a small fluffy creature being your little spoon and snoring gently, it's so soothing.

 

Sometimes Piper does something similar with me when he's taking a nap and I'm relaxing on my bed it's so adorable

 

this lotion i got on sale from bath and body works smells so fucking good, i can't stop smelling my hands and arms. *u* i'm so glad i bought it, goddamn.. i'll miss it when it's gone.

 

cleanin' my room out. not Ridiculously Thorough, and I'm pacing myself, but I need this. Doing laundry and such. Adjusting some things to go downstairs for storage either longer term or till it's donated, like the old wheelchair. p content about that. stairs Hurt A Lot tho so pacing myself. Gonna get that leg STRONK, man. thinking of.. well. doing the sticker thing, but less focused? if i do At Least One Thing I'm gonna do a sticker for the day. That could mean doing a drawing or getting writing done or doing chores or something that takes energy and focus. It'd mean i at least accomplished SOMETHING instead of just being a lump, and I can look at it and remind myself i did indeed do SOMETHING instead of nothing.

maybe with the looser system I can get some kind of sense of positive feels? fingers crossed. (also i'm anxious about this homework bc i've had such shitty spirals lately but now that i said i'd track them what if i don't have any and it's just gonna look like i was faking or something ol-< psych help homework is hard.)

 

yeah that's something i touched on in therapy too and im trying to figure ways around it bc honestly it's doing more harm than good. if i don't do Enough Of A Thing/Enough Things i feel like I didn't do ANYTHING and that I'm thus not trying and being a lazy sack of wads and whining. bc i can do things. i can do a lot of things. just not super consistently and not every single day and not in a row for very long without it overwhelming me or me slipping up. so maybe this'll train some of it out?? bc it's rlly draining to constantly feel like a loser/whiner/faker bc i can't do so many things but know i can do Stuff just. ... aaaaaaaaa.

either way i did a Lot of things today and definitely earned my sticker for sure. tomorrow there's less to do physically and more to just focus on mentally, i think. so hopefully that sticker carries on too. (bc holy shit it feels nice to clean my space up but i'm gonna be feeling this tomorrow.)

 

im so glad i finally finished this. @jacktrash since you liked her hair before.