The Xenforo "Discourage" Feature

So there was a really interesting conversation recently between Alix and BPD Anon, on this topic, in which Alix argued that BPD Anon isn't actually different, except that he's not as good at burning bridges. His wrath tends to be sort of... incompetent.

And that's true. But what I think is relevant is why it's true. It's not because he's not a good writer. It's because he hates being like that. Yes, he absolutely has uncontrollable fury. He can't stop, he's absolutely convinced whoever he's mad at deserves his wrath and deserves to suffer and die... But humans are not that simple. Humans don't have just one thing happening. Even while he's fully under the influence of the madness, he still hates it. And this manifests as him sabotaging his own cruelty, often hilariously effectively. His attacks are pathetic and ineffectual, not because he couldn't be more effective, but because he genuinely does not want to be more effective. And he still apologizes, and he's still horrified by what he did... But the effects are enough more mild that a lot of people stay friends with him, because it's not actually all that bad anymore.

I'm not saying this to tell people they have to suddenly decide they want to be friends with him. He can be a pretty hard guy to get along with, and he does sometimes lose his shit over stupid things. But I am pointing out that there is a real, practical, difference between "uncontrolled rage that you endorse" and "uncontrolled rage that you reject".

I have had anger management issues my whole life. BPD Anon has actually taught me ways to improve my handling of them. That's something of an accomplishment.

 

I can believe that.

What is that solution?

Aaaaand there's your problem.
Your stated goals are at odds. You gotta pick one.

 

Yes. I have seen how much control you have. You've talked at length about your control. You kept camelcaseCognomen under wraps through multiple blowups and meltdowns, because you knew perfectly well that it would be a bad idea to reveal it. You have the ability to change this. You reached that point, and then you looked at what it would be like to use that control, and the frustration, and the challenges, and decided that you'd rather be an abusive asshole. You said so yourself, and it was the truth.

And some day, maybe, you'll decide otherwise.

Someone just linked me to a thing you might find useful in comprehending this:

https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/comment/40774527/#Comment_40774527

Hulk Smash is not a viable long-term strategy. Know it for what it is, and let it be that, don't use it for everything else.

 

Your frontal lobe isn't the problem anymore. It hasn't been for, I'd say, at least a year.

It's all up to what you choose now. Do you endorse the rage and abuse, or do you reject it as not what you want to be? That's all up to you. The actual conscious-person Alix is the one who ultimately gets to make that call. It's not forced, it's not chosen for you. You get to decide whether you embrace it or reject it. It's not anyone else's choice, it's not anyone else's fault.

Anger management issues and a dysfunctional brain are not unique to you. And the anger management isn't even the driving thing; Athol doesn't have the anger management problems you do, but does endorse the abuse, and gets nearly identical results.

It's not the frontal lobe. It's what matters most to you, and you get to decide that. Every day, every hour, you are making that choice.

 

I mean, sorta conceded. There's definitely frontal lobe issues here, I'd think? But also, like. That's true of most of the other people involved. Jade (nee Roni), BPD Anon, me, Eugene, we all have serious ADHD-type problems or self-control problems, too. And it's hard! And it's frustrating!

 

reading this? with how you told nick you'd kill his parents? yeah. that was targeted. that had a purpose. you tried that.

how you manipulated eric into posting that message in seebscord? when multiple people there were clear about not wanting contact with you? that was targeted. that had a purpose too.

i'm. really, really trying to be nice here but jesus christ, alix.

 

You don't, because your "wanting closure" is actually just the fig leaf you made up to excuse your behavior. If this were about closure, you would be hurting abusers more often than victims. Instead, I would be shocked if the abusers were even 1% of the damage you do. You actively target everyone else instead of them.

That said: I have bad news on that goal. There is no closure from hurting the bad guys, in the end. It doesn't work. It feels temporarily good and then you go right back to being mad because there's always more out there. You don't actually get "closure". People talk about it a lot, but in the overwhelming majority of cases, it ultimately does not actually make you feel better in a lasting way. The solution is to learn to feel good about beating them. Not hurting the abusers; healing the harms they've done. Preventing them from happening in the first place. That is how you get actual satisfying closure.

Source: Have done both, plenty of times. I know which one actually ends up feeling like a win.

 

Try one of the many things suggested to you. When you get the urge to hurt people try one of those. Make that a habit. Pro tip: it takes more than a couple of days.