The Xenforo "Discourage" Feature

... See, that's one of the things people always forget. My memory is garbage. This is doubly relevant here, as I need to a) remember what these many things were (I remember maybe... Four?), and to do them when upset.
Also, of course, I need to get myself to do them when upset. There is pretty much no concrete way I can think of of preventing myself from going "but I absolutely have to do that thing".
Also also: I'm definitely willing to postpone doing that until I have figured out how to do the discernment thing, which could take a while. But how do I tell the difference between Just Wanting To Hurt People and actual righteous anger? Maybe seebs might help with this.

 

Write out a physical list and keep it somewhere noticeable then if needs be. Then your tech can't break and you can make it portable with you. Basics.

 

One other thing I feel the need to mention, and one people will probably yell at me for.
Every single time I tried to get better before, and eventually gave up, a big factor in doing that was how discouraging everyone was, oddly enough. Of course, intellectually they would prefer me not doing fucked up shit to me doing fucked up shit. But every time I slipped up, or wasn't absolutely perfect and like I had been doing this for years, or anything, I would have half this forum immediately go "See, she was only pretending to care about being a better person, she's the exact same as she always was". And every time I read that, I just kinda want to give up, you know? Especially since these people were often talking about this "realization" hurting or triggering them. What's the point of being a better person if my existence is something that hurts people?

 

it's good that you agree it's a problem.

but for you there is no easy way out like "tell apart the people who have actually done fucked up shit and people who didn't deserve this" (fixed that phrasing) so you get to keep all your rage and violence but "safely" now. this is simply not possible. until you let go of your rage and violence you will continue unleashing them on bystanders because to your reflexes the point is to continue unleashing. this is not a lapse in your judgement. this is like gun control: you swear you will learn to be a responsible owner tomorrow but all these awful accidents will keep happening until you understand that you, knowing who you are, should have never been allowed to buy these guns in the first place.

I'm sorry but there is literally no other solution. if you want to give abuse victims closure you have to lay this off altogether and choose a non-violent way to help. this is possible.

 

I am so, so sorry for you.

I don't think it's healthy of me to keep going with this conversation at all currently, it's an extreme emotional and mental investment, so I'll drop out, but if anyone still wants to give me any sort of advice they can still do so, it will probably still be there when I also-probably wake up tomorrow.

 

i'm sorry it's discouraging, but a lot of people have been involved in your crossfire and trust takes a long ass time to build. you're gonna have to work through things for your own gains and deal with the fact a lot of people are just straight up never going to trust a single thing you say or do again. repercussions suck like that. maybe in the future it'll be different, when there's more proof you're not just doing awful things conveniently out of sight at the same time. also seconding the not getting closure thing. my folks are dead, i'm never getting an ounce of closure for anything either of them did to me and that sucks dick, but conveniently they never would've given me closure while alive either. holding my own well being hostage while holding out hope of someone making up for what they did to me or even acknowledging it would be stupid. why in the fuck would i want to give them MORE power over me than they already had by giving them the key to my recovery too?? fuck that noise, do it for yourself.

 

I'd be one hell of a lot more sympathetic to "it's wrong to tell me to stop sending people death threats because the world is full of Bad People" if you literally ever went after people who were actually doing heinous things, or even anything directly relevant to the issues you're allegedly mad about.

It is infamously easy to find actualfax Nazis on Tumblr. It's easy enough to find shockingly ableist antivax Facebook groups that a friend of mine spent months as "Provax Clippy", moving to a new group whenever he got banned, and only really stopped because he got bored. There is no shortage of ABA advocates and conspiracy theorists and right-wing nutjobs on the internet, but you have, as far as I know, never made a campaign of harassing these people. 90% of your attacks have been against mentally-ill queer people who have the misfortune to be in your vicinity, and in much of the remaining 10%, you have created personas that agree with the position you're harassing people over, and then used those personas to... harass people who agree with you.

If you don't want to listen to Seebs and co. because you think it sounds too kumbaya, here's an alternate reason to consider: the way you have been dealing with your anger has never hurt the Bad People, and has virtually always hurt people who want the world to be less bad.

So if you want the Bad People to hurt, you still need to stop fucking doing what you're doing and try something else, because what you have been doing is not hurting them.

 

That's not actually entirely true. I have harassed a bunch of people like this on anon before - but usually it's just so much easier to just post about them somewhere public and let other people who are much better than me at this handle things.
I guess that's something I could do in all cases. So yeah, actually this was pretty insightful, thank you

 

(Also I didn't lie when I said I was dropping out of this, I just Failed(tm))

 

Also, since I'm seeing people telling me to just leave:
That's... Not actually a thing I can do. Kintsugi has been a major part of my life since 2015, and I can't move on from it just like this. It would be like trying to give up on Tumblr - and I know a lot of people here know exactly that feeling.
Besides, one of my biggest social issues right now is that, even though most of my friends have alienated me, I can't make new ones. That was already a thing before, I've always needed other people to approach me to make new friends and am pretty much incapable of initiating things myself, but that has gotten a lot worse.
Anyway, the reason I'm saying this is that Kintsugi and adjacent communities are pretty much the one place I currently have friends, and the source of most of my social interactions. And the thing is, I know what I'm like without relatively large amounts of people to talk to. This isn't me making a threat or anything, I'm usually not hurting other people, but... It's seriously nasty. Last summer almost killed me, and the only reason it didn't was that I got a job and more people from Kintsugi on my server - most of them are now gone.
I really don't want to leave this website, but if I did, it can only happen once I've built new bridges somewhere else, and I've just been... Pretty much unable of doing that ever since last year.

 

there are too many cruel people in this world for attacking to be a viable course of action. however, it is important to consider that these are people who rely on anger and fear to get things done. anger is costly - emotionally, mentally, and physically. and as a result, it requires substantial fuel in order to sustain itself. this means that groups of people motivated by anger require good or bad things happen in order to make progress, and that they need things to happen as quickly as possible for this to avoid running out of fuel.

this means that the most effective way of dealing with such people is to focus on survival. by weathering the actions of those motivated by anger, you deny them fuel. without fuel, they will starve, become disorganized, and fall apart. the best way to destroy such an enemy is to outlast it, as anger and cruelty is not self-sustainable.

to that end, support the people around you.