clowntown daily dispatch (acey’s bejeweled baguette): currently screaming about fanfiction

she also said i was "sparklegoth" and frankly i super dig that. that me. v good and accurate darling <3

 

so i haven't posted a song in a few days, but here's one: four of two!

(it's a catchy, fun-sounding, bouncy kids' song...about getting stood up for a date. yeah.)

 

i am very good at ao3 tags

 

do it bipches

 

porlmethys

 

• immediately begins to shimmy when maroon 5 comes on: pearl, it’s an involuntary response
• wakes the other up at 3am demanding pancakes: amethyst on a near-daily basis. maybe at this rate pearl will learn to cook edible foodstuffs someday
• sends the other unsolicited nudes: the very first text pearl received on her cellular phone was an unsolicited nude from amethyst. pearl would send some back but she’s still figuring out the selfie cam
• brags about knowing karate even though they never made it past yellow belt: amethyst probably does this in canon tbh
• comes to a complete halt outside bakeries/candy shops: definitely amethyst. pearl refuses to go inside. she’s not going to get banned from another beach city establishment thanks to amethyst, thank you very much
• blows sarcastic kisses after doing ridiculous shit: amethyst but only because she’s the one who usually does ridiculous shit in the first place
• killed the guy (also, which hid the body): pearl. pearl has killed before and she can and will kill again if she must. amethyst helps her hide the body by dropping it into the ocean after shapeshifting into a helicopter and flying as far from shore as possible
• wears the least clothing around the house: amethyst for sure, if steven weren’t around she’d probably hang around tiddies out 90% of the time lbr
• has icky sentimental moments for no apparent reason: both of them and they both handle it about as well as you’d expect

 

still can’t believe greg killed pink diamond

 

fuck you, greg, she was mine

 

for the shipping meme, a bit less obviously- lapidot?

 

I could absolutely do both just gimme a bit

Also I love Greg and my one regret is that they didn’t let him even TRY to work The Ol’ Universe Charm :(

#where is the deleted scene where he flirts with blue diamond

 

steven and connie watch con air together after steven finishes homestuck and he ends up crying about cameron poe and casey and tricia and the bunny

 

Yeah, sounds about right :^P

 

SO HERE ARE THE SHIP MEME RESULTS

Spoiler: pearlrose

• immediately begins to shimmy when maroon 5 comes on: do you have any idea how often they accidentally fused to maroon 5
• wakes the other up at 3am demanding pancakes: rose. look pearl doesn't even eat okay
• sends the other unsolicited nudes: if rose hadn't died before cell phones became ubiquitous she'd send them to everyone lbr
• brags about knowing karate even though they never made it past yellow belt: pearl. actually she doesn't even know literally anything about karate but she knows swordfighting and pearl is pretty confident that that's pretty much the same thing
• comes to a complete halt outside bakeries/candy shops: rose. she bodily drags pearl inside and pearl is just apologizing profusely to the people at the counter the whole time
• blows sarcastic kisses after doing ridiculous shit: rose of course
• killed the guy (also, which hid the body): i want to make a joke about rose faking her death here but i can't figure out how to word it sorry
• wears the least clothing around the house: rose didn't have a smol impressionable child around so she probably DID live tiddies out 90% of the time
• has icky sentimental moments for no apparent reason: pearl, definitely

and for lapidot:

• immediately begins to shimmy when maroon 5 comes on: lapis. she refuses to admit this to anyone and the only reason peridot knows is that she walked in on her dancing to moves like jagger once. (peridot has been sworn to secrecy)
• wakes the other up at 3am demanding pancakes: peridot, immediately after looking up "FOODSTUFFS USED TO AID IN THE CONSUMPTION OF MAPLE SYRUP" (she doesn't know what maple syrup is beyond Food but she's seen enough cph to get the idea that it's good)
• sends the other unsolicited nudes: peridot. she takes very good nudes because she can use her ferrokinesis to levitate her phone. like a selfie stick!
• brags about knowing karate even though they never made it past yellow belt: peridot. lapis calls her out on this
• comes to a complete halt outside bakeries/candy shops: tbh i can't see either of them doing that
• blows sarcastic kisses after doing ridiculous shit: lapis for sure. peri Blush
• killed the guy (also, which hid the body): bold to imply lapis didn't do both
• wears the least clothing around the house: lapis
• has icky sentimental moments for no apparent reason: they both do but lapis is far more inclined to be like "ew what is this mushy bullshit my brain is doing rn" because she is lapis

 

Shipping: Garnet/Ruphire

 

• immediately begins to shimmy when maroon 5 comes on: ruby. sapphire thinks it’s adorable
• wakes the other up at 3am demanding pancakes: ruby but she and sapphire make them together
• sends the other unsolicited nudes: bold to assume they’re not both doing that constantly
• brags about knowing karate even though they never made it past yellow belt: ruby. the only reason she didn’t make it past yellow belt is that she accidentally burned down the dojo
• comes to a complete halt outside bakeries/candy shops: ruby usually, but sapphire has a thing for ice cream parlors. mmm tasty coldness
• blows sarcastic kisses after doing ridiculous shit: sapphire, ruby blushes and blows a kiss back
• killed the guy (also, which hid the body): ruby killed the guy, it was an accident but she totally killed the guy. sapphire hides the body for her
• wears the least clothing around the house: usually neither bc steven is around but one time sapphire was lounging around in some very nice lingerie and ruby MAY have accidentally burned the floor as a result. they had to replace it
• has icky sentimental moments for no apparent reason: both, literally all the damn time

 

Jaspis!

 

SU humanstuck where a bunch of dumbasses go to therapy together and are all sad and gay, especially Pearl.

 

oh this one is gonna be fun

• immediately begins to shimmy when maroon 5 comes on: again, lapis. she just does.
• wakes the other up at 3am demanding pancakes: jasper. lapis is like “make your own fucking pancakes”
• sends the other unsolicited nudes: both. they’ve made a game of sending them to each other at THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME
• brags about knowing karate even though they never made it past yellow belt: jasper. actually she doesn’t know karate at all but she’s able to murder you with her bare hands anyway
• comes to a complete halt outside bakeries/candy shops: neither probably
• blows sarcastic kisses after doing ridiculous shit: lapis. it pisses jasper off to no end, which, to be fair, is what lapis is going for
• killed the guy (also, which hid the body): lapis did both, and jasper is actually pretty impressed when she sees her covered in the guy’s blood
• wears the least clothing around the house: definitely lapis
• has icky sentimental moments for no apparent reason: jasper and it confuses the shit out of her

 

!!!! good shit