The Witch Of Babbling (blog thread)

I want one wall to be a twilight scene in deep blues and vivid purples and bright oranges in the style of a goth Steven Universe backdrop. Another wall will have blackboard paint so that our kid can draw with chalk on it. I'm gonna make a lot of sequin ribbons for the curtains so the light bounces off them and into the walls for visual stimulation

 

It's just that I get the sudden urge to procreate every time I'm studying embryology

 

My husband ships fruits basket Yuki/Tohru so now I'm filling for divorce

 

I know he is watching these decade old tohruyuki amvs to annoy me and it is working

 

LIKE I LIKE YUKI AS A CHARACTER it's just that he is......................... not Kyo. Kyo is an A-class Tsundere and every single interaction he has with Tohru is hilarious and adorable

 

what i have to do: study for finals week, which start next Tuesday
what i want to do: write sad fanfic

i NEVER get ideas for fanfic until i have exams coming up. amazing

 

that happens to me so often

 

it is so annoying!! when i have nothing to do and i wanna write there is thumbleweed all over my creativity but the moment something important comes up it's just ideas everywhere. and the worse is that i KNOW i will not feel like writing when finals are over

brain, why

 

this is one of the motherfuckers that's making me want to write btw. love that song

 

ooooooh my fuck going to school with literal teenagers is hell on earth sometimes *GRUMBLES IN OLD PERSON*

 

My shoulderblades..... Hurtey

 

BUT, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I am ALMOST done with histology for Tuesdays final. I just have to finish rewriting my notes abt neuro tissue and I'm halfway through that. Then I have to refresh nerve anatomy with the flashcard dealies, and take a look at embryo again. We have a review of nerves in anatomy tomorrow for the practical portion of the exam so I'm going to do some of that during Ethic tomorrow (its before anatomy and the class is just going to be wrapping up).

Then it is biocel/biochem for the exam Wednesday. I only need a 4.5 in the histo/anato/embryo combo to get a passing grade, but I have to get a 9 on the biochem/biocel exam to pass (or nail the substitutives), so that should be my focus. I still have to study for Intro to Medical Practice, but that exam is mostly practical and just injectables/puncture/nasogastric tube technique, so I'm leaving it for Monday. Then there are four days to study for the Clinical Thinking exam and editing a video for IMP but both of those I'm okay at and Clinical Thinking is one of those subjects that you study just by virtue of actually doing the classwork

 

Like I am not going to have the prettiest GPA but with the amount of utter bullshit that happened this semester that I didn't even talk about in this thread I am more than happy

 

Argh, now I remember why I never touch up my color with damp hair. The color didn't stick to like a third of my hair and it's too late now to correct the dye cause its midnight already

 

Spoiler: random fic tidbit I thought of in the shower and didn't want to forget

The wine was forgotten, untouched, and yet Idrilla felt lightheaded and stupid. Stupid, and almost reckless - almost reckless enough to recognize the glint in Cullen's eyes, almost reckless enough to see it mirror the desire on her own; almost reckless enough to forget what - no, to remember that just a few hours ago they danced and he had held her close enough that she could feel his breath against her lips, his hand holding the small of her back, the way he seemed so unsure and timid and awestruck, to remember how her body ached for her to lean just that last little bit into him.

She could never forget what they were. And yet there she was, again, stupid and reckless! Sitting by the fire with him, wanting to feel his touch, his kiss, wanting him to make her forget about it all - wanting the fire and the home and the hearth, Sylaise be blessed, just wanting him.

She looked down to their hands, almost touching between the furs, and for a moment she imagined she was stupid and reckless enough to reach out to him. She imagined it, and then folded the image, made it so small as to be just another note of little consequence lost in her mind, and when she looked up again there had been no dancing under the moonlight and no temptation and the fireplace was nothing more than a fireplace - there was nothing in her eyes that wasnt becoming of an elvhen priestess, and there was nothing in his that wasnt becoming of a human formerly known as a Templar.

 

Idk if I ever posted in this thread but Cullen and Illa dont start actually being in a relationship until Jaws of Hakkon, and in my canon it goes Adamant - Descent - Halamshiral - Jaws - Arbor Wilds. So they get together basically at the end of the game, because both have ENORMOUS issues with intimacy and self worth and illa specifically has a sense of Duty and Responsibility replacing most of her emotions.

One fun thing is that her POV starts very pragmatic and matter of fact and slowly descends into dramatics the lonelier and desperate-rer (and hornier) she gets

 

that's super interesting to me especially in contrast with my Reckless Saint Of Andraste And Devotee Of Ghilan'nain Brejan Lavellan Who Took One Look At Cullen Trying To Argue Himself Out Of Liking Her And Went 'Honey, no, you deserve happiness too' lmao
but then brejan is of such poor health in general she has a tendency to just take any opportunity for connecting with people with both hands to cling, because she may not get to be slower or more gracious and ~respectable~ about it later :P

 

Lmao if idrilla was like that it would make her life so much easier because it took A LITERAL NIGHTMARE DEMON to make that girl stop being in denial that she thought Cullen was hot. It's my turn to poke at the brains now but I will have to tell you the whole story because it is such a trash fire

 

OK SO
When Illa was 14 two very important things happened: first she got her first gf, Nira. A few months later she got her magic.

now, having magic wasn't SUUCH a big deal at the time because there was a First already, so it was assumed that she would either be a spare or maybe go to another clan if there was need, which was fine for her because as a kid she was very prone to getting her nose into trouble (she did find out she was magic during a near-death incident) and so she didn't really... think about it much. She started to get a bit more careful, as the near death accident involved the near death of her sister too, but she did stop getting tangled in mayhem just because she was curious what would happen if she did <insert incredibly dangerous and stupid thing>. So she and Nira took things... serious, but casual, because the future was a bit uncertain. Illa stops training as a herbalist and moves on to Keeper training and stuff, but it doesnt have the weight of it, you know?

Then when she's sixteen turning seventeen there is a REAL BAD COUGH sweeping through the clan during the winter and a bunch of people die, including the First. Amidst the chaos, the keeper is like "congratulations you have been promoted" and hands her a bunch of stuff to do to run the clan while the keeper tries to get people back to health. Illa freaks out, because up until that point the only responsibility she had was not getting herself or her sister killed, but later she finds out she likes the responsibility and her new duties and starts getting... really into it.

From Nira's perspective, things went like this: "Illa, I am sad because a lot of people are dying." she says, "can i spend some time with my gf to take my mind off this bullshit?" and Illa goes "NIRA THE WEIGHT OF THE W O R L D IS ON MY SHOULDERS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!". And later after things have settled, "Illa, you are going to stay in the clan forever now. maybe we could talk about our relationship and what we want for the future?" with Illa answering "sure babe let me just do literally anything else first talk to you later bye." and STILL going to Nira to complain about stuff and ask her to do emotional labor. And this soured their relationship and soured and soured (because Illa was a self-centered community busybody asshole, because Nira didn't know how to understand and handle the kinds of pressure Illa was under, because they were both teens) until it exploded in a mega fight that put half the clan against each other because their families are HUGE.

They break up around the start of the Blight, and some time later they get a newcomer to the clan in the form of Oindys, who was a city elf and a servant and a fereldan refugee, so Illa is assigned to teach him how to be a Dalish. He's a bit younger than her but she's his friend so he puts on the moves and Illa thinks this is a perfect opportunity to show Nira that it wasn't because of IDRILLA that they broke up and that she was ABSOLUTELY a GOOD AND CARING GIRLFRIEND, SEE NIRA, I AM SUCH A GOOD GIRLFRIEND. So this goes on for a while until Idrilla's dad very gently tells his daughter that she's being a immature twat toying with a poor dude's feelings and that this is bad. And Idrilla is a twat, but she's a twat that really respects her baba's oppinion, so she takes a look at her choices and realizes that, wow, she was really being immature and that maybe she shouldn't be in a relationship. She breaks up with Oindys cleanly enough for them to still be friends, but like...

she REALLY internalized that, and it morphed into her thinking that she just wasn't the right kind of person to ever be in a relationship. She didn't really feel attraction to anyone else after Dys and she got engrossed in her work and her studies, and she had her friends and her family and she even could maybe talk to Nira for short periods of time after Nira got a new girlfriend that was a really good match for her, so it was good and she didn't miss romance or romantic intimacy and it was all fine and dandy!

Until shit meets the fan and she meets Cullen, and then she dislikes Cullen immensely, and then she is forced to work with Cullen, and then she finds out they both have very similar workstyles, and that he was more interesting than she thought he'd be because at least he does care for the downtrodden, and that maybe it wasn't so bad to make an effort to have a good working relationship with him, and then that he doesn't judge her for not being so literate, and that he has good book recommendations, and that he makes good conversation, and that they both hate orlesians and can complain about them at length, and that he is really brave, and that he is really smart, and that he has his reasons to be difficult sometimes, and that she understands his reasons, and that he can be caring and sweet and that oh no he's hot

but she doesn't LET herself think he's hot because of her past relationship trauma and because, as i said, she gets REALLY INTO her duties as a keeper. she's a Dalish Priestess, focus on the Dalish and on the Priestess, and he is a Human Templar, and they are like. diametrally opposed, and not supposed to mingle because humans seduce elf girls and get them pregnant and then leave them in poverty on a filthy alienage to raise a child that doesn't even look like its mother with no means to do so with dignity, and in her mind it is kind of like a betrayal of everything she and her ancestors stood for if she were to want to consider the possibility of maybe smooching his human templar face. So she just... doesn't realize what she feels

and then when the nightmare demon is doing like. not the half assed provoking he does ingame but a full fledged VR experience of all the bad things her subconscious could come up with, one of the things shoved between being covered by spiders and having them get into her mouth and stuff and her entire family dying is... Cullen making out with her, then her being shunned by her family, and then being dumped. which makes her go more 'wow where the fuck did THAT come from' than 'oh no im so scared' until she DOES realize where the fuck did THAT come from. and then she is. Afeared.

 

oh my god Idrilla is a mess I love her so much
Brejan at least only went dragon hunting to help bull and dorian, while in the middle of a flareup and also four months pregnant
Cullen just about lost his mind about that.