I this the thread to dump a short story in? I kinda want to know what people other than my family think about it (bearing in mind I am 13 and probably dont write as nicely as I think I do)
@oph K cool Well here goes nothing (before story note: the ridonkulous amount of line breaks is on purpose) (bsn2: It was inspired by this picture, but can be read without seeing that) Spoiler "Everyone knows about the MushRoom. Nobody talks about it though. There is a house on the edge of the lake out of town. Noone knows what's in there. But today, I am going to find out. ---------------------------------------------------------------- It starts with me waking up really early. The subject of the MushRoom is rather taboo in the city, to the point that mentioning it was supposed to bring you bad luck. If you were superstitious. When I walked out of the city, nobody gave me strange looks Probably because I was on a walking trail. The walk to the MushRoom was also relatively worryless. Nobody dares to get anywhere close to it, so there was nobody about. Around this time I started getting my doubts about this plan, and the whole idea really. What was the whole point of this? Whatever I found in there, noone would listen to me. They'd run the second I mention the MushRooms. Why am I doing this? What do I get from this? Satisfaction. By the time I was done questioning my motives for defying my societies superstitions, the MushRoom had come into view. It looked like a normal mushroom, but huge, and... it had windows and a door? Hmm. I guess the MushRoom was more literal than I thought. Walking up to it, I felt a bit of unease. What should I have expected, choosing a cloudy, chilly day to go explore the most taboo place around. When I got to the closed door, I stopped. Do I really want to do this? Or do I want to chicken out, this close to discovering the truth. . . . I opened the door, only to be greeted with a ladder, wooden and rickety, leading up to the cap of the MushRoom. Now sure of my decision, I climbed up. I rose into the cap, and climbed onto the floor... the squishy, soft, plant floor. And I turned around. A bed, a wardrobe, a table, a toilet, a bag and a note. "Well hello stranger. It seems you have succumbed to the MushRoom's mystery. By opening that door, you have given me a new life, and seet me free. Because of that, it's your turn to be the MushRoom's inhabitant. Have fun!" I heard the door creak closed, sealing my fate... and sealing me in." 14/11/17 -Avery
I'd say... yes? I'm a bit hesitant to say that, cause I've had some really mean comments about my art/writing before (online), but I trust Kintsugi to not be super awful about it.. So... *gulp* Yes.
@Imoyram i liked it, but the use of quotation marks seems to be arbitrary and it confuses me a little. 'No one' is two words, and you switch tenses too much. That's about it, though; it was good other than that.
Yes! Okay, I was gonna say I like the themes you're driving for and this has the potential to be really creepy and interesting. I do think you're telling and not showing though, especially with this line:
Wait, I figured out why the quotation marks were bugging me. Other than being arbitrary, they seem... Out of place for what the story is trying to be. Is the narrator talking to themselves? An audience? If it's the latter, did they get out? How? Either way, the use of quotation marks implies that there's something more here and I'm not getting that.
@Bel Capricorn Hm. I used quotation marks whenever I wanted to imply that it was written down, because I didnt know if there was something else used for that. So the note had quotation marks because it was supposed to be a note, and the quotation marks and the very start and very end were because I wanted it to be like they wrote this down after it happened. 8| Kay mentioned the tenses. O_O That has been one of my most struggled with parts of writing @autopsyblue I do not know what that means? Could you explain? {:)
You might want to try using italics; I've seen that used well in stories formatted like this one. It also shifts in tone a bunch - which makes sense now that I know that part of it is a note. However, I didn't know that until you said so just now, which isn't good. You should make that more clear within the story itself.
Typo, sorry, I meant you're telling too much and not showing enough. This refers to when writers tell us a thing is happening, in this case that your character is questioning their society's superstitions, instead of showing us them actually doing that. You did a little bit of showing in the lines before, but not enough to really flesh out what those superstitions are. For one, running away when you mention something is a fear reaction, not a story or act or saying like superstitions usually are. Verbal superstitions are usually met with avoidance and "you shouldn't say that." Think He Who Must Not Be Named.
I wrote a poem for the first time since August Spoiler The Marvelous Suicide Plant I was so scared, I think, of strangling Of my roots wrapping around me and cutting me off from the world. They stuck in my throat and they clawed out my eyes They pulled at my blood and drew tight And here I am sitting in the dark with the soles of my feet rubbed raw Wishing for light so that I can grow again Wishing for water and perhaps something more I used to cry to myself at night (Water can make a plant grow) And I used to let roots wrap around my throat And choke my words and choke my pleas And I watched faces turn away and let go (Water can make a plant grow) I used to sit alone in the dark (Sunlight can make a plant grow) I used to keep my roots from wandering I used to say “no, I'm going to be free And these roots unrooted cannot hold me And in the darkness they cannot take hold” (Sunlight can make a plant grow) But darkness grows lonely and tears carry salt And flowers are something I longed to forget But still yearned for like all plants do in the winter Perhaps I should let my roots go? Maybe this soil isn't ideal Maybe it isn't all that I hoped for But I'll never survive if I'm here on my own: Roots are what let a plant grow. Edit: I'd appreciate critique on this one, thank you
I feel like I'm getting into a rhythm with writing again, and it's a pretty rad feeling. In related news, this weekend I wrote and edited the second chapter of my Undertale roleswap fic. Also I signed up for the Undertale Secret Santa thing that's happening! So that's exciting :D
@Bel Capricorn That is a nice metaphor. I'm a little confused as to why you talk about watering it, something that will make it grow, and then sitting in the darkness, something that will make it wilt. Maybe there's supposed to be a contrast there I'm not picking up on?
So this is a place with Adult people who Probably Drink Whiskey Anyway I'm writing a fanfic that involves a character who's canonically fond of whiskey and who I'm putting through an emotional wringer (bc why not?) and I want to indicate that the things she likes are no longer appealing. But the problem is, I've tried whiskey all of once in my life and did not see the appeal so I don't know how it's not supposed to taste, which is turning out to be difficult to research. So: What does bad whiskey taste like? If you took a sip of whiskey, what unexpected flavors would cause you to spit it right back out and declare it to be a shit representation of whiskey as a whole?
heyo @Coriander I dont drink whiskey, but I asked my mother, who drinks nearly any kind of whiskey, this question. Her answers were this That's the direct text, hope it helps! :)
cheap whiskey burns on the way down the good stuff goes really smoothly can also attest to the soapy thing i hate that my honey whiskey is really only good enough to put in hot milk when I really need to knock myself out cold TnT
-does a small dance- I wrote a thing i wrote a thing i wrote a thing it's about Girl Genius jagers but i still wrote a thing CONGRATS ME if anyone wants to see it i can copypaste here, it's not online anywhere.
