JADE'S INFERNO (THE FINAL CIRCLE OF HELL)

getting home and crying my eyes out because my dad and i had to fucking yell at each other all the way home over dumb shit. it’s tiring

 

AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT ITS RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT AND IM NOT SAYING ITS A LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE OH I COULD BE WITH ANYONE E ERG93YHG9REH9 43IVJGH8R09JEV

 

apparently i did not fail my way out of getting financial aid which is very, very good. but the bad part is that this term makes or breaks whether i keep getting basically free college or not so i have to try harder than i ever have.. im sure it will be ok this time honestly because like. i am 1000000000000x better than i was in the fall ((comparatively))

 

listen. on the outside i am indeed reasonably adjusted to society, i have a job i love, i make money on the side from my art and animation, i go to college full-time, i go to therapy regularly, etc etc. the downside is that i am crazy and wild and i chug vodka straight out of the bottle sometimes

 

being successful isn't the hard part of life. doing right by others and enjoying life while you're living it is !

 

listen . today was a really rough 5 and a half hour shift (only got one ten minute break) and it was just me and my supervisor on the floor for maybe.... a little over an hour? just us?

anyways there was a rush which would've been fine (just a little busy and stressful) but the thing is that our label machines stopped working so i didnt get drink orders for like 30 minutes and ended up having 10 people very very mad with our supervisor and i for not even knowing there were orders. . . . . .

 

. . . .. but luckily a lot of people were super kind to me today, here are some lovely happenings:

- woman who called me a "beautiful cotton candy daydream" bless your heart

- the nice old ladies who were hyped as fuck and told me i'm too beautiful to look all sleepy and spaced out and that i'm a sparkling brilliant thing. my makeup wasn't even good today but i think of them.

- everyone who chatted with me while i was making drinks and was just nice to me for god knows what reason

 

reading over my old posts here is physically painful like imagine being a 24/7 ocd shitfest dear god

 

back pain so bad i can't even move

agh

 

sometimes it makes me so angry i feel like there's fire coming out of me and WHY OH WHY OH WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to scream to the heavens and curl up in a ball and cry forever because i'm just a ghost that haunts the lives of everyone who regrets what they've done. i look back at my life and it's just a tragedy!!! it's just a tragedy and i despise it, but what is there to do but keep existing, as much as i grow worn down more and more with every day

 

i'm getting such horrible nightmares that i can't even speak to my friends sometimes, i only dream about people doing horrible things to me and i hate it. it's like... the prozac took my trauma-processing up to 11, and now i'm facing it all at once. i wish i knew how to vocalize this at all. i wish i knew how to talk about this with anyone who'd listen, but i short out every time.

 

i'm so, so, angry that i ended up this way, i mean, what else would ever come of this? i wouldn't have ended up any differently, it's a wonder i'm not like.... totally crazy..

but also i've been thinking about the way that the empathy and kindness within me makes it very, very, easy for me to be taken advantage of. it is very, very, easy for me to be used, abused, manipulated, and twisted by others. and i'm angry that i've let it happen, but it's so nice to be loved. it's so nice to appreciated, and even when it goes too far, it's nice to just let it happen, for a little moment

 

abuse has shaped me in every form and one day i wish to be free. forever i am trading words between people who only watch me from sidelines and i to them, i am stuck in limbo and i am incapable of speaking most of the time. there's too many goddamn ties that bind me and i realized why disappearing is such a nice feeling, to never be known as i was is all i can ask for. even if i'm constantly asking for people to witness me in the moment, is it ever going to be in a time where i'm acceptable?

 

oh same.

Spoiler: self harm ish

sometimes I intentionally trigger flashbacks so that I can remember being touched

 

Spoiler: i get you

it's horrifying, really, because you feel so nice in the moment of all these things, physical or emotional, but the aftermath is just... too much to bear. also sex trauma is a bitch especially in my case. it's awful and has shaped my sexuality so much because all my experiences have been unhealthy so im just here like. AHGHHHH

 

also like I'm undeserving of non exploitative touch so jot that down

 

u Get Me..... such is the trauma feeling and such are the only experiences you have sometimes being horrible ones

 

fuck it *sits in a bean bag for six hours* *spends 120 dolalrs on a back pack* *sits in a bean ba

 

very cool and epic for me to nearly have a panic attack when my dad like. jokingly pushes me down against the bean bag to kiss my cheek even though i'm telling him to get off me. very cool and epic

i mean it's not his fault. he doesn't know. but... u know.

 

honestly? heaven is meeting someone who shares your INTENSELY niche passion for a handful of characters that just kind of Exist and are poorly written in general and you just join forces and talk about Them for like 849383984 hours. yes this is about the aether foundation from pokemon sun and moon. no i cant explain this either. but i am having a lovely time.