inarticulate enthusiasm and complaining

my sibling and I have inscribed a pentagram, an anarchy symbol, and Trans Rights in various discreet locations around my prius and I am now emotionally prepared to sell it to my trump voting boss

he's gonna put a diesel engine in it which I think is kind of cool actually

 

an interesting part of working nights is that u get to day drink at 10:30 PM on a sunday night

 

my sibling made me One (1) pancake for my bday. look at this FLUFFY boi:

 

I try to be as gay as I can every day but i think a truly homosexual woman would not read nearly this volume of Phantom of the Opera fanfiction

 

What is Not Gay about enjoying broadway melodrama in transformative literary form

 

you know what you’re absolutely right

 

got my stimulus check and my tax refund within a week of each other and it finally broke my will. I have now Purchased a nintendo switch pending approval from the guy on offerup

gonna play ANIMAL CROSSING

 

hell yeah!! i adore my switch and i hope you love yours too!

 

yes me too!!! I also hope it actually exists and isn't a scam lol, it seems legit but I am not always the best at judging such things when I'm excited

it won't be for like a week but when I do finally acquire the Product can I be your AC friend?? or however you visit islands? idk how that works but I am looking forward to finding out!!!! :D

 

hell yeah you can!! i'll let you know how to go about that when you have the switch and can like...actually look at it haha

 

lol that would probably be for the best

i can't waaaaaait i'm gonna build a botanical garden and a beachfront park and fill my basement with bugs :D :D :D

 

argh, looks like I got sniped or outbid :/ question now is do I keep on trying with offerup, or cave and buy the thing full price somewhere... offerup has a sketchy vibe to it but also the cheapest prices by far :/

I think if I just don't buy from anyone who just joined the site or anyone who wants payment through an external app, I should be fine?

 

Spoiler: complaining

recently came to the realization that the reason why I don't have any creative hobbies is because I don't need to do anything

I sometimes come across things artists have written that mention how they make art because they need to, how a specific piece exists because they needed to make it. Martin Luther came up in a conversation with my dad recently. his well known quote: "Here I stand; I can do no other." Miranda talking about the ghost of Hamilton keeping him up at night until he finished the musical. and less dramatic examples too, ones where the artist doesn't actually talk about why they made a particular piece of art, but the amount of effort and thought and time put into it clearly shows that something in them needed to get this made. even if it's just because the finished result was something they wanted enough to make it worth it. honestly most of what I'm thinking of there comes from the fiber arts thread on this site. also my own sibling - they knit and have recently gotten into baking, specifically making sourdough bread. the recipe they've been using is one that takes a full 24 hours iirc, or maybe even more, all just for one loaf of bread. I know that once they move out I will go back to eating storebought bread, even if they leave me a jar of starter, because comparing the reality of the bread with the reality of making it just makes me feel tired. I like the bread, I like it a lot, but... if I want some sourdough I know I'll just go buy it. I don't need it. I don't need to be the one who made it.

my dad too. he's a philosophy teacher, and the amount of effort he puts into each student is incredible. writing detailed comments on every essay, personalized emails and meetings - he technically works part time but during the semester he spends hours a day on his classes. over the summer he thinks about what he's going to teach next. at the end of each semester he spends weeks chasing down a few students who got incompletes for one reason or another giving them every opportunity he can possibly dredge up to find a way for them to make up the work, because he wants them to succeed that badly.

I think maybe in the past I needed things like that, probably when I was a kid, but that part of me has atrophied. I like the idea of, say, learning to sew so I can make my own clothing, or learning to maintain my own car, or building beautiful structures in minecraft, or writing that interesting fic idea I had once. but I never, ever like anything enough to keep going after it hits a patch of inconvenient or uncomfortable or boring.

it makes me feel empty inside. like other people have something in them that needs to get out, and I just have a hollow hole that I pour media into because I need a way to pass the time and sometimes it gives me a few ounces of prosthetic passion, donated by the artist.

I made one thing recently I feel proud of. it was a metal box, about a year ago, I think I posted about it here. it was in the last week of my welding class. I cut the hinges out of a broken clamp. that was something I had had the idea for a few weeks earlier, and ended up getting the chance to actually make it at the end of the class. I think it's beautiful, and if given the chance to make more things like it I could make them even more beautiful. whatever the second most recent thing I made and felt proud of was, I don't remember it.

 

every time I go home I end up having deep philosophical conversations with my dad at 1 AM. this time we meandered through what it means to have moral values, to the idea of cultural evolution and whether the separation of culture and individual is as false as the mind-body dichotomy, and ended up in the nature of consciousness (well-tread and beloved ground) and whether it would actually be possible to digitize a mind, even in a philosopher’s version of a frictionless world.

 

guess what iiiii got



:D

 

my sibling has officially moved out. we no longer live together. who knows if or when we ever will again. I’m sad about it.

 

I drove my sibling down to Boston this weekend... I continue to be sad about it but they're staying in an amazing place with awesome people doing awesome stuff, so I'm very happy for them. It helps some that my new roommate and I have been getting along well. I also got nose-probed this morning since my state mandates covid testing for people coming in from Massachusetts (as well as most other states). It was eye-watering! will get results tomorrow and then be able to go back to work tomorrow afternoon. assuming it's negative of course but I'm not too concerned.

 

Winnessed?

 

covid-free \o/

not that I was really worried about it, I just got the test bc of my state’s requirements, but it was still surprisingly relieving to hear

 

that touch starvation really startin to kick in