no, i don't. i am scared of him and waiting for him to keep upsetting me but i fall apart without him and it hurts worse than continuing to give him chances.
I didn't really believe this when people told me after my first breakup, but while it hurts intensely at first, it gets better; the pain you suffer trying to salvage a bad relationship gets worse. And based off what I've seen in friends, 6 months to a year is generally how long it takes for the new relationship buzz to wear off.
yeah, we hadn't been dating for that long. ....i guess i have a hard time believing that it will stop hurting. i still burst into tears when i remember my first crush (gently and politely) turning me down when i confessed and that was 7 years ago.
For what it's worth, I'm genuinely sorry you're in so much emotional pain, and I wish I had better advice for that. I've never been in a relationship! I objectively know that you won't be in this much pain forever, but that is only a pretty abstract comfort to some people when going through intense emotional distress. I know it's a pretty thin rope for me to grab onto, and more immediate stuff helps...
While it's what I expected, I'm still sad to hear it. If it had been a matter of him genuinely not realizing it hurt you, the appropriate response would have been, basically, "Oh shit, really? That didn't even occur to me, and I'm sorry for [thing]".
Same. Not surprised, yet still disappointed. He's just not a good person to be in a relationship with.
he was....unambiguously terrible about this conversation, even enough for me to recognize it, but for some reason it's solidified the feeling that i can't cut him off. i can't leave him and he knows it and i know it.
he directly told me that he knows i can't live without him and he can ruin my life if i try to leave and he's right.
That is horrifying. I say this with 100% sincerity: If you were living with him I would be looking up domestic violence shelters in your area right now. It won't stop with the threat of ruining your life if you leave - he'll expand the threat to more and more things, from you disagreeing with him to you doing anything he doesn't want you to. There was a post on seebs' blog recently This is what's happening right now. The longer you stay in contact with him, the worse he'll hurt you. If he's threatening you in a specific way, tell us how, and someone will know how you can protect yourself against it. You deserve so much better.
You can live without him. You definitely can. Everything he's telling you is bullshit and you need to cut him out of every part of your life now. How do you think he can ruin your life?
ok i blew this out of proportion. he didn't directly threaten to ruin my life, he alluded to friend who left him and said that his life was ruined and that i was stupid for leaving him after saying that, i drew the conclusion myself. i wasn't thinking clearly earlier.
Spoiler: conversation text to clarify [7:33:53 AM] him: i have a right to feel hurt that you abandoned me, after repeatedly promising you never would, at a time when i had literally no one else. i have the right to set conditions on our relationship to ensure you don't hurt me like that again. [7:34:13 AM] me: i know [7:34:45 AM] me: i understand you wanting to have conditions that makes sense to me i definitely don't want to say that that's bad at all,,i'm hurt by the name you called me, not the conditions [7:35:22 AM] him: i'm sorry that you're hurt but i have the right to be upset. [7:36:14 AM] him: you betrayed me, [name]. you promised you wouldn't, and you did. i'm at a point in my life where i can't keep letting people walk all over me. it's not healthy. i care about you but i'm not going to let you keep manipulating me. [7:36:59 AM] him: i didn't ask for you to crawl back to me begging for forgiveness because you're too dependent to live without me. [7:37:06 AM] me: i know [7:37:10 AM] me: i'm sorry [7:38:47 AM] him: i know you're sorry. that doesn't make up for what you did. i'm trying to give you another chance but i'm not in a place to keep giving second chances right now tbh. i gave [name of friend] chance after chance, i gave [name of ex bf] chance after chance and they hurt me. i'm sorry to say it but you remind me of them. maybe i shouldn't have insulted you but i have a very low tolerance for assholes who disrespect me right now. [6:39:23 AM] him: i'm not going to let myself fall apart anymore. i'm furious quite frankly that you can ditch me like i'm nothing, then come crawling back and beg for me to talk to you again and then tell me i don't have the right to be mad. [7:39:37 AM] me: im sorry, i never wnated to be another person who hurts you [7:39:42 AM] me: *wanted [7:39:59 AM] me: i promise im not going to do it again [7:40:35 AM] him: your promises are pretty meaningless to me tbqh [7:41:02 AM] me: i know im sorry, i shouldn't have betrayed your trust like that, anyone would be stupid to leave you [7:44:04 AM] him: maybe i'm talking out my ass with anger right now but honestly? yes they would and i can't believe you tried it. you watched [name of friend] leave and now he's posing in his shitty store-bought thrown together cosplay begging for attention because he knows he'll never find anyone else to fuck him like i did, he knows there's no one as good as me. his life is ruined without me. you agreed with me that he was stupid to leave, that it was his loss, and then you go and pull that shit too? i honestly thought you were better than that. my own fucking mistake i guess. [7:45:16 AM] me: i' m sorry i didnt want to upset you, this isnt what i meant to do, im sorry [7:47: 44 AM] me: sorry [7:48:36 AM] him: i need time to think. [7:49:02 AM] him: i'll talk to you later or something i guess.
I know I said this before but once more for the people in the back: christ what an asshole You setting boundaries for yourself is not a betrayal of his trust. You wanting to be treated with respect and kindness is not a betrayal of his trust. The shit he's saying about that other guy? Incredibly shitty and cruel and narcissistic as fuck! I'm begging you, gills, cut this asshole out of your life. You don't need to be his emotional punching bag. And I guarantee you he will find someone else to use in your absence, because users like him always do.
If that chat log was supposed to be less horrifying than your paraphrase...it was not. D: Please, please, please get out.
The only thing that MIGHT be your fault is not sticking to one decision. You get rightfully mad, you confront him, your DPD has you feeling guilty for it while he twists shit around to make you second guess yourself, you desperately apologize and he gets to feel like the injured party. This is why you should cut him out completely. Tell him you can't handle his presence in your life and block him everywhere, then focus on the shit that makes you happy like hobbies, talk to different people and distract yourself, and eventually the desperate need to please him at the cost of your own happiness will fade.
... no that's still really really bad, and it's exactly the sort of thing that post I quoted from seebs' blog was referring to. It's turning your pain around and making it into you apologizing to him for daring to want an apology. He never even apologizes for calling you what he did, he just apologizes for the fact that you're hurt, which is not the same thing at all, and then he conflates insulting you with being mad. ETA: You're right, he doesn't explicitly threaten to ruin your life, but he's still saying that your life will be ruined without him. It won't.
yes it will be. i can tell i'm panicking right now and i don't care. no one else wants me, i know he doesn't really want me but i will literally fall apart if he leaves. years of working on my dpd have been undone and i can't make myself shower/eat/choose an outfit in the morning/do literally anything without his permission. i'm so terrified of being alone.
hey, I know we just seem like some strangers on the Internet, but I want you to know that you aren't alone. there are people here who care about you and whether or not you're happy. I can say that personally I care about you, and if you ever want to talk with me, just shoot me a PM. and you'll find other people who care about you too. trust me when I say that being away from this abusive shithead is two hundred percent better than spending any more time under his thumb.
