Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

SUCK MY ENTIRE ASS, YOU STUPID BATHROOM SINK, I'M YOUR FUCKING BOSS NOW HAH
i didnt think it was possible to feel so giddy and happy over just. fixing a sink that wouldn't drain right. but DAMN its a great feeling and I'm so proud of myself for doing it on my own.

 

so there's a non-zero chance im sick with something, and a non-zero chance it might be covid
i havent tested yet, i think i've got one test left somewhere, but i generally dont feel right even after sleeping 9 solid hours
and apparently the new strains have a lot of GI symptoms and i've. been having gi issues the last couple days.
kinda nervously watching my sense of taste/smell rn.

 

so update i forgot to give its not covid it is/was some other kind of GI thing going on but the worst of it seems to have passed now finally
was Bad for a while there, man, like ibs cranked up higher
BUT i come bearing great news

the faculty advisor i'd been assigned in january that i never reached out to till like. last week. got back to me! she wants to set up a zoom meeting between me, her, the director of the program, and the director of the field placements, so we can discuss my needs going forward and arrange things for the best possible success. No judgement, no placating my concerns with "it'll work out don't worry!" like I've been told time and again by others, just straight forward "okay you have a need, this is how we can address it so you can do as well as possible and not be anxious about it"

she also said she believed i'd do well in the career in the future based on what I said to her, which was touching.

I guess sucking it up and taking appropriate steps to help yourself pays off sometimes.

 

laid down for a nap at like 7pm, passed The Fuck Out, woke up at midnight briefly, went back to sleep, woke up at 5am, laid in bed till like 5:30. guess i needed that sleep.

 

asked my doc about port + iv fluids finally, bc im sick and tired of winding up sick and miserable and suffering for the crime of sitting upright too long.
guess we'll see what she says.

 

vibe is sometimes i still feel like an idiot and then other times i remember my school is apparently fairly selective, ranks #43 in the entire country, and that apparently the material is pretty intensive. and i've survived it so far after getting in without any issue via transfer.
..... :) good job, me.

 

SUCCESS. FINALLY. after much more being on hold i got a human and she explained the only problem was there hadn't been a phone number on my rent proof i turned in. so she said to apply it, turn it in again, and she'd call back today later to make sure i got it in instead of making me wait for the normal 10 days, since I'd submitted it promptly the first time and they just hadnt told me there was anything wrong with it. \o/ had to fight their website a bit too lol. now to wait for it to be verified/reinstated over the next... ten days. bc while she could verify if it went in faster than that for me, she can't forcibly switch it to verify faster ol-< so. that kinda sucks. im low on food.

 

had a religion talk with a catholic friend of mine who's chill and practices wicca on the side. asked what she thought I should do, since I've got that but I want something Christian as well to lend some stability to my life. I kept trying to united Methodist thing but it just... wasn't clicking. She suggested Episcopal, to at least look into, because it's more openly pro LGBT and pro women and generally chill. What I've seen so far is promising. I'm not jumping in flat footed, but I'm definitely going to start poking. Maybe I'll reach out to one of the local churches, get a feel for it. I'm researching though. Might be worthwhile in the end. I'm nervous, but... maybe this time something will click.

 

ok so this tracks bc. yknow. autonomic dysfunction. but apparently my system takes turns over what'll be elevated. the last few days, it was blood pressure getting elevated to fuck every time I was upright. today? pulse. i was sweaty and shaky and sick by the time i finished making lunch but my head wasn't pounding and i wasn't almost blacking out as much. but my pulse was 140bpm just from standing and frying potato chunks and onion slices. this was not a long or involved process by any means. I even sped it up a bit when i started feeling more symptomatic by putting it all into my bowl and microwaving it for a minute and a half to make sure everything was 100% cooked through faster so i could go back to bed and safely eat. checked my bp and pulse while i was still standing... and bp was 110/80, gorgeous, perfection.

yesterday it was in the 150/98 from standing and washing out a water bottle and refilling it, and believe me when I say I was feeling every fucking elevated point. my head was throbbing for hours and even when it stopped i felt sick like it was a leaking balloon. unpleasant.

i see my doc on the 5th, I'm gonna report my findings to her since I've been taking notes.

 

i showed the doc the readings i'd been taking and she said she wasn't concerned at all because they weren't sustained and weren't higher. so that's good, one less thing to worry about. she said the symptoms i was feeling shouldn't be from blood pressure at those ranges and were likely instead from my heart beating hard if not hella fast. she also said the pulses i thought were good/normal were abnormal so lmfao.

she also said she wants me to pursue pt and pelvic floor pt, and that with my numbers at least as stable as they are now, it's safe for me to push through the alarm bells in my brain demanding i stop doing a thing. worst case scenario is i'll faint or get a flareup or pain or something but like. it's comforting to know nothing actively bad will happen to me, or dangerous. as well it was refreshing bc she said even doing bed exercises was going to "Suck ass, for quite some time" and apologized but encouraged me to do it anyway and push through the alarm bells.

 

slept 11 hours last night and i'm still teetering between Need More Sleep and Awake But Foggy. this shark week's intense.

 

Turns out being anal and checking the syllabus the second it unlocks can be useful. My advisor is one of my professors this semester, and I noticed that the syllabus listed a different day/time for classes than what the class listing had on signup. So I reached out asking for sure which day was the first class, because classes start the 20th but classes are Mondays only for her class according to the class listing. Wanted to make sure it wasn't an earlier class that I'd miss.

Turns out she'd uploaded the wrong syllabus for the class and I was the first person to call it to her attention so she was able to quickly stealthily fix it! I was copiously thanked, I feel very happy with myself for that. :)

Also tomorrow maintenance is painting doors and changing window blinds in the front. idk if it means upstairs too, which would be MY room. But. I'm trying to make it accessible in case that is the case. Better safe than sorry I guess. idk what time they're coming though, but I'm gonna try to haul my ass out into the scary world and get a bit of shit done. Namely, get my ID card finally replaced (with two forms of proof of who i am so i can get the fancy updated one that'd allow me on a plane if i need to be lmfao weird that they changed that shit like no sorry the actual legal identification isn't good enough try again this one has a STAR on it so its more important and official!!!!), then grab a treat at the japanese bakery next door, then bus back down to my school and pick up a student ID card. I don't really need it, i don't believe the class I have requires an access card to get into the building, BUT the pass would allow me to ride the city bus for free and I'd like to have that in my pocket Just Because lol. if I'm lucky, I'll miss the maintenance dudes entirely AND get shit done and can be all satisfied with myself.

I still need to sort out signing up for disability allowances at the school. AND I need to ping that professor again who never got back to me, who said she'd set up a four way meeting to discuss my needs. I think my email must've gotten lost in the slush pile of responsibilities between the end of the last semester and the beginning of this one. It happens but man is it nerve wracking because I already feel like I'm being annoying/pushy/whiny asking for what i feel is special consideration even if its... not special consideration at all and is just like. normal accommodations to help me get through to graduation and to my masters beyond.

 

didn't wind up going out bc this morning i Fucked My Legs Up by doing basic in place stretching that felt nice. wasn't even trying to stretch purposefully, just one of those fullbody streeeeeetch and it jacked up all around my hips and lower back. fun times.

ordering a BorgerTM tho, which is nice. i've wanted one for a long while now.

 

in great news though, from earlier, i pinged my pathopsychology prof about the textbook situation bc the syllabus mentioned needing a textbook but didn't say it was covered by carmen.. but when i checked the campus bookstore's site it specifically was marked "wait for class". she got back to me earlier than her away email message said she would, and confirmed she just got word the school was covering the textbook via Carmen. SO in other words i ain't gotta buy a single textbook for this semester, mehehehehe. i also put in a chunky amazon order of some odds and ends i needed/wanted. the BL books are not a necessity but A Little Treat is good for morale. otherwise its some bras, a skirt, some electrolyte tablets, another double pack of fish oil pills bc i finally ran out, some pens and pencils, and some other stuff i needed/wanted. setting myself up for success i guess is how i view it.

otherwise today.. nobody came. they painted the doorframes without opening the doors, and nobody ever knocked to come in and swap the window blinds. so i guess they'll do it tomorrow or not at all...? i got no fucking idea man, they confuse me. aside from pain in the si joint i've just. been zoning the fuck out dissociating while watching serial experiments lain. is that a good anime to watch while im in this headspace and drifting? prolly not the best choice but yknow what its a vibe.

 

end result: was a vibe, still an exceptional anime, love it to bits. but uh. yeah, doing that while my brain was already floating was probably not my best move, i feel even more disconnected than usual. its such a weird sensation idk how to describe it properly. like autopilot kinda? like im aware of what im doing but it also doesnt feel like its me doing it. like im here but not really HERE here. I'm back and to the left a bit, even if I'm the one pulling all the levers behind the screen.

maybe this is why i couldn't handle pot the few times i've tried it, getting high made me lose control in a way I wasn't used to and made me panic. This isn't panic worthy it's just... what it is.

 

three days. three fucking days of the floating and i think its finally letting up and letting me back in myself. jesus that was so fucking weird, im not used to it lasting this long. good timing though, classes technically start tomorrow (the 20th is Official start date but a few of them specified we start as early as Sunday because we do sunday-saturday timing on things and i want the full length of time i'm allotted). got some trash out, enjoyed the new parking lot layout even if i don't have a car/drive, it just is so much better laid out now and there wont be nearly as many accidents of thefts now because of the new positioning of the lines. love it. makes a lot more sense than before. working on a penpal letter again because i keep starting and stopping for ages. should hopefully get that done today or tomorrow and in the mail for monday morning pickup.

still feel... a bit off. like things feel fake still, but i'm a bit more grounded now. i still wonder why i got set off to begin with. it wasn't lain, i was already floating when i watched it.

 

talked with therapist. he suggested that my brain likely pitched a fit bc School Is Starting. and my brain says "no" to stress.

sooooo.
thats fun. i guess.

 

holy shit i slept. hard. very hard. like "had to take 20 minutes to become conscious with a cat laying on me to function enough to sit upright" hard

 

Can I even really call it a discovery when it's something I've for certain been talked with about several times before, but have no memory of at all?

It's even weirder to think that starting to dig this deep into things and purposefully poke at my brain is because I was playing a fucking videogame. The PS1 Lain game, the everything unlocked for viewing version on the web. Played it over two days, but it was the first half last night that really got me thinking things over. I think it's because one of the characters you get in the head of is a therapist/psychiatrist, and the subject matter is pretty dense, so it was like I was experiencing my future job alongside being a patient. Looking at things analytically as they proceeded from Touko's side as well as Lain's. It was a moment of detachment, clinical view, but controlled. Like the controlled dissociation I keep being told to try tapping into to cope with my issues.

It made me stop and look at the patterns of thinking of the future and freaking out and backsliding. or why i keep seeming to get worse after making progress, so its like being at square 1 forever. And that made me think "subconscious self sabotage", which turns out to be a c-ptsd thing, and with the deja vu and my doctor agreeing, is something we've discussed in the past Multiple Times. I've had the same realization several times, but it never stuck thoroughly enough for me to make much headway with it. But with this detached clinical mindset... maybe I can view myself as my own patient, almost. Work from that angle. If I'm detached enough but still involved and focused, I might be able to touch the things in my psyche that hurt too much to touch normally.

Coming at it from that angle... I feel a bit confident suddenly. I like puzzles. I want to be better, healthier, I want to make progress and live a good life and be successful in the things I want to do. I want to stop tripping over my own two feet, and I want to stop subconsciously fucking myself over and making things worse. I don't want to throw the first punch at myself so when I'm inevitably hurt I know who to reliably blame and why. I don't want to feel defeated and sad all the time, and worthless. I don't want to be scared of being better or having worth. I want to be able to own my successes.

I want to be able to look at that Masters/PhD program and go "Yeah I could do that, that sounds interesting" and not only really mean it but be able to imagine a future where I'm in the program, where I've completed it, where I have my own home, where I'm called Doctor. Where I'm helping people, and not just struggling to keep myself in check all the time.

Maybe this is the controlled dissociation, in this specific flavor, is what I need to pursue.