if this is the wrong section for this, my apologies ;; so im 19 now, and from about the ages of 15+ ive been close friends with people who have major depression and other stuff, and unable on the most part (thanks, parents) to deal with my own brain issues and it was getting better for a while, because everyone else was improving and i no longer had to leave my phone on ringer just in case someone called me sobbing in the middle of the night & i didnt have to call parents/police for like! a year? two years? it was nice but recently, what with everything, and my "adopting" of a friend of a friend, i am back in that place again? and i am so, so much worse at it than i used to be? or things are just worse i have one very close (ten years) friend who is my age, in college, has the very early stages of melanoma. their mom has cancer, and they are non binary trans, ace in a tiny southern town. my adoptee is 16, has probably depression (me and my friend reported/snitched on them a few months ago, when i was visiting. they were hospitalized for maybe a week? we didn't have any choice) and they wont talk to their therapist, get irrationally angry at my friend for "not caring enough" and "hating them" and then have screaming breakdowns when they fight, which is a lot more often now because they upped the first behavior. (despite this, they're a really good kid? and i suspect a lot of it is self harm behavior. which doesnt make it okay, but) and they'll message me asking for first aid advice when they self harm. i keep telling them to see their therapist but they have a lot of trouble talking out loud/in person/they dont want their parents to know (they also live in illinois/ i live on the west coast) and i am so tired. and its starting to affect? how i try to help? bc my temper is way way shorter and i just. dont know the right words or the right approach and i cant stop, because if i stop, they could die. and i wouldnt have been able to stop it and thats just? not? acceptable to me? but christ im tired and upset and i hate feeling like this again (part of me suspects thats this is just life. which is. a shitty and i guess naive realization, but. i kind of thought things would get better? eventually?) and im just. unable to deal with my own shit bc only one human in an interaction can be suicidal at a time or things get really really bad really quickly. but also adoptee is talking to me right now and im. so tired of arguing circles with them, because they just dont listen to things that would help, and i cant make them, and passively listening just frustrates them and doesnt help. but i cant not help them or theyll have no one. ten years friend will at least work with me, and thinks the way i push things on myself is bad, and they always respect my boundaries. adoptee occasionally will open conversations while theyre in crisis mode with 'thats a fuckton of blood' and i, predicatably, freak out and its bad. its just bad. anybody got any tips for how to better handle things?
My advice is to remember that you are not responsible for adoptee or their behavior. You need to be in a place where you are ok before helping others. I don't mean, cut off your support, but like, enforce your boundaries better. If they are having a meltdown and you can't handle it you need to be able to say "I can't help right now, I am also not ok" maybe talk with them about it when they are having a good day?
Seconding that ^ There's the oft parroted "put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others." But it's repeated so often because it's a good rule of thumb. By all means, keep providing support for your friends, but don't burn yourself out so much that you'll end up doing more harm than good. If it helps to think about this way: your self care is to help your friends as much as you. Also if you need a shoulder or an ear, feel free to pm me (and we can talk about moving to Skype or whatever if you want). I know I'm a total stranger, but I do think you should be able to vent to someone about this stuff. :)
