what is wrong with me

So my sister is going to high school soon, where I'm sure she'll be well loved and straight a's etc etc because she's the most put together person I know, but that's going to be a constant reminder of how I failed out of the high school I loved. so my question is, if I loved that place and still for some reason did not do the work, then there must be something wrong with me that prevented me from doing it; so what is it?

I loved the school and I loved the work, but I was pretty much behind on everything, always, because I would pass in homework or essays in days late. With the essays, I wanted to write them, but I just....didn't. And I don't know why and it's bugging me. There would be a soft deadline, which I would miss for whatever reason, and then right before the hard deadline (aka, turn the paper in or you get a zero), I'd stay up all night writing the essay. I'd have a lot of fun writing them, too, and I tended to get what would have been good grades if they weren't so damned late. But this seems like a lot of work for each essay, right? Yeah.

I'd stay up all night trying to write each essay, and then I'd be dead on my feet in school the next day. I kept getting more and more behind and that made it worse. And that was the cycle that ruined everything.

So basically, when I'm faced with an ultimatum, I can do the work and do it well, but often when I'm not, I'm just incapable of doing any of it no matter how much I want to. And I want to know why, so I can do something about it.

I've probably phrased all of this weirdly because I'm tired. But. I have to know. I can add more information if that helps.

((For context, I'm door anon, so the stress may have been part of it. but it can't possibly account for all of it i don't think?))

 

That sounds a lot like depression to me. I went to a good college and loved my classes and what I was doing and I still had a lot of trouble keeping on top of things and turning them in time and doing them early and... well, it built up until I spent an entire week not leaving my room except to go to the bathroom and basically not eating for two days and then suddenly stuffing myself with pizza on the third day until I nearly puked because I knew I had to eat. Based on your home situation I... frankly think that depression caused by the shit you go through can certainly more than account for it.

I loved my classes and work, and sometimes I don't know how I managed to graduate college out of the sheer hell that junior and senior year became, academic wise. Getting yourself into a) a healthier, more stable home with b) the support you need and deserve and c) the options and resources for the treatment of any depression or similar issues would make it much easier to do the things you love. It certainly has helped me do more than survive.

 

Oh. Okay.

 

So my followup question is, considering this:

-I was depressed and in a bad situation
- I was too scared to ask for help with either the situation or with school, and in fact have a history of not asking for help when things are really bad
- I definitely did want to stay, and I was running myself into the ground with lack of sleep trying to accomplish that
- they did not offer help or try to see if anything was wrong; the extent of the help they gave me was to say "You should get a tutor for x y and z classes, and if you continue to do poorly then we'll kick you out"
-(and I was too proud to actually follow through on getting tutored because who wants to admit they need help?)

did the school have justification for kicking me out for failing one class? I'm not asking if they had the right, because I know they did. But still.

((Also I keep doubting myself and thinking that this is all bullshit and I just don't want to admit that it was my fault but I need to stop that BAD BRAIN BAD))

 

One of the teachers did ask if I was depressed but he was asking as a person and not as part of the school. And either way, I wasn't able to tell him that I was until it was too late.

 

More confirmation: definitely sounds like depression to me.

Now, as to your follow-up... Hm. That's tough, because of the bureaucracy and ridiculous-ness that goes into running a school relatively efficiently.

No, depression/other mental illness is not a justifiable reason for refusing service.

On the other hand, "failing to maintain an x average" is frequently grounds for dismissal in postsecondary institutions. Presumably this is to avoid putting resources into people who are not actually there to make use of the service, but unfortunately this overlaps significantly with people who struggle for legitimate reasons (physical/mental illness and/or disability, extenuating circumstances).

The difficulty is matching the needed services/supports with the people who are legitimately struggling - occasionally this is due to funding problems, or the frustrating invisibility and stigma attached to those struggles, or even just to cluelessness/not catching it.

It twigs me that your school people offered you tutoring, but not a student advisor or counselling service. Why not? Not sure. Perhaps you were hiding it really well?

So, my reading of the whole situation:
-you were struggling with a bunch of mental and circumstantial stuff. perfectly reasonable for it to affect your schooling, even if you didn't catch why.
-they didn't catch it either, and assumed your troubles were solely academic (hence the suggestion of tutoring).
-because the problem didn't get better, and because you didn't avail yourself of the services they offered (which is reasonable, since you didn't need academic help), they assumed that continuing school was not going to solve the problem, and they didn't have any other ways to solve it, so you were 'done'.

Of course, this doesn't help you in the slightest, and in fact gave you more problems. Yaaaaaaaaaaay.

Takeaway: I can't see this as being any one person's fault in particular, but I definitely don't think it's your fault.

 

I was hiding everything as best I could. It was probably my number one priority for the past few years. It was not a good thing but it doesn't matter now.

 

So if I were to try and get re-admitted into the school somehow, do I have a case?

 

Perhaps? It would probably be worth talking to registration people about.

 

Thank you :)