Vent siggy is soggy

i hate that im nervous and afraid of drawing things and just,,, talking about homestuck stuff with friends makes me sad.

sometimes i wanna just make silly headcanons or, idk just enjoy things without talking about discourse i suppose...

and i suppose idk where i can start again

 

(Psst you're more than welcome to on the fish server or drone season sever :3)

 

being against it irl is BEING a normal human being!! exploring it and or just shamelessly shipping it in fiction and not going past that is ALSO a normal fucking human being !!

 

(if you ever feel like doing a swap or a reverse big bang or something, discourse/shaming/etc is super banned in polyswap)

 

:000 ?!!?!

 

Same with Drone Season, but you probably knew that already.

 

yeah it's not something either of us are willing to let stand in our events

of course discourse Happens but it has to be like...civil discussion or it gets shut the hell down

 

i tried to draw something homestuck today but i started crying because it just, it doesnt look good to me

doesnt help i applied to the problematic zine but im also just

i feel like shouldn't have cuz i just feel glossed over now or like, i dont belong anymore

 

I realized something, after processing why i'm upset when i draw fanart (or like, i guess part of it) is because most of the time, fandom had become a whole game of
'who's the most diverse when drawing this character' and 'discourse, the game, the experience'

like i told my friend i cry when i try to draw homestuck fanart and said that's some mild ptsd symptoms and damn they might be right, given the mix of me feeling like im just pushed to the side or never acknowledged by one person unless they have a problem and ask me to share their stuff but never liking my stuff so,,, mm.

 

though i know i shouldn't hinge my whole attention or like, hope only one person would notice my art and make it seem like it's acceptable cuz of them u__u

 

i really want a therapist but im poor.

i think ill sleep, this cold might be getting to me real hard.

 

i know im nonbinary myself but im like, feeling super oversensitized to everyone headcanoning nearly every character as trans

im not shaming them for doing so, like it's more power to them but for me im like, it's annoying me and idk why and i dont wanna be annoyed like this. maybe it's me being a creator not really wanting others to headcanon my oc's as another sexuality and or gender, since this did happen to me before someone asking me to draw one of my feminine male characters a transmale when,,, that's not the point for him + i already have a trans character (actually kind of a few?? his partners are kind of trans in terms of they're genderfluid and sex fluid but on opposite ends of the feminine/masculine thing but,, still)

i dunno, i feel bad thinking like this..

 

im big mad at myself and i think it doesnt help ill be going to salem soon and by plane and i never go on planes so im big nervous and i think im irritated too???
idk ;;;

 

I think it would make sense to be a little more protective of your characters identities when you already have explicitly queer and trans characters; the rep is there no one has to take things and change them to get it, so when they do it's like they're spitting in your face. No, your rep inst good enough, I want it this way!

With Homestuck it's a little more blurry because Hussie was never explicit and vague handwaved at the fandom and said it's whatever you want it to be. But it does get really annoying when fans then take that to mean that their headcanons are right and correct and everyone else who doesn't think so is wrong.

 

every time i see a post talking about cats staying inside i feel like a bad cat owner, one of my cats legit just, has to go out and i didnt want him to but he has to cuz he was mostly an outdoor cat for most of his life where he gets upset if we dont let him out to use the bathroom (he is litter trained but he hates using the litter so he will pee on anything but the litter).

and i guess why im not so worried cuz my part of the neighborhood is like?? pretty safe? we have a good amount of cats just hanging out where peeps can see them and say hi to the cats, and i obviously leave my cat inside when there's storms (he actually goes back to the house more cuz i usually call out for him), and when it's halloween. but hhh aside from that i always feel like im a bad cat owner :(

 

the amount of posts that shame outdoor cat owners makes me feel super bad cuz im not,, bad cat owner i try very hard and i let him in and when i dont want him out he will run out anyway so?? I super cannot stop him. :'|

 

Nepeta is the same way. It's legit out of your hands of you don't live by yourself either. Our cats will dart outside if the kids have even a moment of hesitation or inattention gong through the door. Which is pretty much always because they're kids.

 

I think I’m at a point in my life where I’m just not caring if anyone draws incest tbh. I’m personally not fond of seeing characters who are minors in nsfw situations but I’m like, I don’t care anymore tbh. I’m so tired and I don’t know why people care about these random who just... draw things in their own little bubble.

Like legit if homestuck came out now, everyone would be so mad if anyone drew any of the humans and trolls in nsfw situations cuz we met them when they were 13, despite everyone I think just, drawing them as adults or older in general. Idk. I’m tired, imma walk around Salem.

 

I'm thinking of like, I guess showing my oc Express her sexuality when she was in high school cuz it's important to her story and I guess show others oogle at her, and I actually wanna make a joke where another character comments how she had to constantly tell her classmates at the time to stop hitting on her dad, who obviously has 0 interest in interacting with minors aside his own kids.

Like idk, I guess cuz this is shit that does happen, younger people hitting on and or are attracted to older people, but I guess I also wanna show a girl showing sexuality but not explicit either, yanni? I dunno, I guess all the pure talk I see w/ Twitter and tumblr and the stigma against nsfw artists just, scares me I suppose.

Idk I said I was never fond of seeing characters who are under 18 in shows and such in sexual situations but I'm also like, I'm not bothered seeing It when they're 16+?

I guess it relates back to my own experience and trauma and I'm afraid to write anything that's half of a serious subject but not so explicit either.

Hh..

 

I just dont wanna be seen as a creepy adult cuz I wanna draw a;

"Mid to late teen wishes 2 fuck this more attractive adult in a silly and or unapologetic porn scenario because why not?"

I'm just, so sad and tired and I feel bad cuz I'm demonised for like, drawing fictional stuff. Like I'm not even drawing Loli and shota cuz that's like, gross and not for me at all but damn I'm afraid of drawing 2 teens going at it in my own fictional bubble yanni? Hhhhh.

Just saying this makes me feel bad cuz I dont know how or why I'm like this and i wish i wasn't and just, I wish to find a therapist who understands this stuff