(I just discovered this place, so I don't know if this is the right forum, or if and how I should warn for content. Maybe I should post in the vent thread instead? But I feel like I do need some form of advice. Sorry about the length.) Due to various factors but primarily unrestricted access to the internet since around the age of 10 (and probably earlier, I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't really remember right now), I think I may have been traumatized, to the point where I'll become paranoid about and endlessly fixate on certain topics/people/opinions that bother me even if they actually really terrify me. I'll feel compelled to go seek them out on the internet, possibly out of a desire to understand them, or force myself to become like them so it doesn't hurt so much, or just to make them seem better, somehow. It's all gotten to the point where I can't look at anything without being reminded of my fixations, even if they have nothing to do with them and the fixations don't even have anything to do with me personally. Whether it's Maoism (personal because my family immigrated from the PRC) or people who want all non-offending pedophiles dead (impersonal, save for empathy, I guess), I just can't stop thinking about and seeking out the positions that instinctively repulse, or, dare I say, trigger me. And it's even worse because I desperately want to be a good leftist and a good "SJW", but no matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll ever overcome my inherent "milquetoast liberal" bent. I don't know if it's because I'm too young or I've never really suffered enough or because of something wrong with me mentally. I just can't control my doubt or my empathy, and I'm always terrified of people personally hating me. I only registered on this forum and made this post just now because I'm able to convince myself that if a particular type of person from Tumblr ever wanted to "call me out", despite my vague name and me doing little more than ever lurking on the website, then they might possibly still be dissuaded by my age if I end up repenting later. I know that it's really opportunistic and weak of me, but I'm just obsessed with the idea of being "safe" with people or having people be "okay" with me in general. I'm also really obsessed with the idea of possibility and potential, so when I see people make hardline statements about things I just keep making up scenarios in my mind where it seems inapplicable or where I just can't agree with it, no matter how objective it seems at first. All of this has been bothering me persistently for the last few years, since I first really got on Tumblr at around twelve, with the topics of fixation changing from time to time but never disappearing. Before that, it was hypochondria. By now I'm almost nostalgic for how I used to scare myself by looking up obscure terminal diseases on WebMD and Wikipedia whenever I thought I had a symptom. I know I should probably get professional help, but I feel like if I just brought up random esoteric internet concepts to a therapist they wouldn't be able to understand and would be put off immediately, and I don't trust myself to be able to explain properly. Also, I don't think my parents would let me go see a therapist just for this, since I'm too scared to explain to them the subcultures that I've touched on so they'll just think I'm overreacting and being hysterical. I don't know. Maybe I am. Maybe I should just force myself to stop thinking about it. But all I know is that right now I haven't managed to force myself, try as I might. And it's this desperation that drives me now, to go wading out into a sea of strangers in search of advice.
So, some of what you describe here sounds a bit like OCD; that kind of obsessive focus on a thing which keeps happening even if you don't want it to.
hi, and welcome to the forums!! this is an alright subform to put this topic in, altho braaiiins or even brainbent would work just as well too. what you're saying sounds veryy familiar to me as someone who used to suffer a lot from scrupulosity/pure ocd a couple years back, which in your case seems a regular reaction to the legalistic confessional style of politics that happens on tumblr a lot, and yeah, could count as a trauma itself. tbh what's helped me with my own scrupulousity has been overhauling my political processing method to something more gracious & less essentialist & Insistent On Being Right than those styles other of politics. i'd be happy to explain further if you'd be interested? hmm. i think the main point to being a "good leftist" is that there's no one standard of Proper Leftist Behavior to which you Should adhere to that would make you bad if you didn't. experiencing suffering itself doesn't make people more good, either. (and liberalism/a propensity towards such isn't inherent.)
I know, but I feel like I might be more predisposed to it since I grew up in a fairly middle-class suburban household with decent parents, whose only major fault was in maybe allowing me a bit too much freedom. That's not to say that I haven't faced emotional distress due to other people, even along what are considered "axises of oppression", but I always feel undeserving of talking about it as though it was Real Oppression, regardless of whether or not it could be called that. I guess it's because I've never been seriously physically injured or starved or anything like that.
If it helps at all, I grew up in a very similar household--solidly middle-class, with wonderful parents who might've given me a bit too much freedom but genuinely did a good job even considering that. And I've still been fucked over by people! I was emotionally abused by a former friend, and stalked by another one; I've dealt with a lot of bullshit for being gay, for being a woman, for being overweight. And it was all very fucking real, and having a good home life doesn't take away from the fact that I've still been messed with. And your home life doesn't take away from the fact that you've been treated poorly by some people. Your problems are valid, and I think it's great that you're recognizing them as problems. As others have noted, it seems like you might have some scrupulosity issues, which are AWFUL to deal with but can be dealt with. Do you see a therapist, by any chance? If so, it might be worth bringing up these issues with them. And if you don't, but you think your folks would be able to help, it might be worth talking to your parents too! Also: I feel this so hard, and I don't think it's opportunistic or weak at all! In fact, I think you're pretty damn strong for recognizing it as an issue you're dealing with--God knows I wasn't that self-aware at your age. It's normal to want to be safe and well-liked, but again, if it's getting to be a serious issue, I'd recommend talking to a shrink or counselor (or, again, even just your folks) about it.
If a thing in your brain is distressing you and preventing you from doing things, it's by definition some kind of disorder, although it may be an easily treated one.
It sure does sound like you're suffering to me. I think it sounds like anxiety. The crippling doubt, the fear of being judged, the fixation on exposing yourself to things that terrify you as if you're running worst case scenario drills. Always trying to find all the angles on everything. I relate to this a lot. Before I got treatment for my own anxiety, I was obsessed with horror films. I'd try to maximize the creepiness by watching them at night by myself in the basement. I think it gave me a socially acceptable outlet for what I was feeling all the time. Anxiety always finds an outlet one way or another. Sometimes all you can do is try to direct it.
I've tried watching horror movies and reading scary stories like the ones on reddit's r/nosleep or creepypastas to distract myself, or just consuming media in general. I think I'm more or less desensitized to most of it by now, and it almost always somehow manages to remind me of my current obsession. Mostly in a "What would THEY think?" way in regards to just, random individuals really, that I've seen on Tumblr and such — the most "radical" types that are like "kill all X and X sympathizers and the sympathizers of the sympathizers and so on". I just can't get over them, and I don't know why. I know they can't really hurt me in real life, but I keep constructing hypothetical scenarios in my mind where they could, or going over their posts/statements in my memory in order to gain some comfort from ones that seem to contradict each other. I guess it's because I have such a hard time trying to separate critical empathy from absolute agreement, especially when it comes to people who likely wouldn't accept one without the other. Or just the latter, period. Or maybe I just can't understand them. And maybe I want to, but at the same time I'm afraid that if I did, I'd become just like them. And I think part of me even wants to, because it would take the fear away, and who wouldn't want to just be able to see things in black and white, without all of the doubt and the blurred lines and imagined condemnation? Sorry, I'm rambling again. This always happens when I try to "psychoanalyze" myself on the spot like this. Although I guess calling this "psychoanalysis" even in quotes is giving myself too much credit. My fingers are cold and sweaty and I'm shaking in time to my heartbeat, so I don't think it really bears any resemblance to professionalism. (Similarly sorry for the overdose of self-pity and pretentiousness. I think I've more or less subconsciously developed the latter to make up for my age and corresponding inferiority complex.)
