a little help please?

I have depression and anxiety - the nasty nearly-normal one-two knockout punch. I'm in treatment - 20mg of citalopram a day since December (did some CBT and talk therapy before that but then moved and are you nuts how am I going to find a new therapist). It's been working pretty well: I can do a few more things on a day to day basis than I used to be able to, phone calls are not quite so terrifying as they used to be, and I'm no longer in the depths of despair half the time.

I'm still upendable. Case in point:

I have 11 pills of citalopram left. With my last doctor, a week's notice was usually enough to get in for a quick, 5-min appointment to get a prescription renewal. So I call. I'm with my pre-university family doctor, who's really nice and who I'm comfy talking to. Unfortunately, the office staff at his clinic are kind of ubiquitously awful. I've scripted the call. I always do. I'm feeling okay.

"Hello, [medical centre]."

"Hi, I'd like to book an appointment with Dr. F."

"Okay, is this a physical?"

"No, just a prescription renewal, it'll be short."

"Okay, I have a cancellation on June 17th."

"...Is there any way I can get in earlier? It's a prescription--"

"No - we're booking into late July."

"...I'll take the cancellation."

I proceed to dissolve in short order, messaging my mom (who's been with this doctor for several years), asking if she's had trouble getting in for renewals. She says she's been booking four months in advance (yyyyyyeah calling people is not fun), but they should have taken prescription needs into account...

Anyway. Mom has some citalopram that I can have if I need it. However, I was talking to a friend and she said to just talk to the pharmacy, and they could call the doctor directly and renew the prescription that way. I will try that tomorrow, when my brain is no longer dead.

End example.

Occurrences like this one torpedo my spoons and brainpower. I have very little energy left and zero motivation.

Unfortunately, the way I make money is by working as a research assistant. My current project is transcribing five albums' worth of music. It's really hard work, and I can only between 2 and 4 hours of work before being mentally exhausted.

I've had the project since last July. I procrastinated and did other work tasks first (on a regular basis), because transcription is not a strong point in my musical skills. Once I got on the meds in December, though, I was able to power through the perfectionist anxiety and just fucking start. I've made good progress: I'm about 70% done everything, according to my handy Excel spreadsheet. (I'm very good at organizing things! I am not so good at doing them.)

In March, I worked it out that I could finish everything by the end of May, including time of no-spoons over the opera performance in April (which killed about two weeks). The opera finished in mid-April, and I got my ass into a higher gear. I did pretty well for a couple weeks, focusing on transcribing melodies and harmonies (which I'm a bit better at). Then some interpersonal stuff happened, and I needed to help people out, and my husband switched from day shifts to evening shifts - I can't work while he's home, it's too distracting.

I've worked two days in the past week and a half, I think? Maybe three? Not enough, in any case: I'd already had to push the work schedule forward into June, but now it's well into mid-June. I emailed my supervisor, saying it would take a couple weeks more than I had planned, but...

... I'm just feeling really stupid and useless. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I can have my day torpedoed by something that feels like it should be minor and insignificant. The phonecall fiasco was at 1.30. J left for work at 3. it's now 6.30 and all I've done is dick around on the internet and do a little bit of meditation. I still have more than enough time to get some work done, but I'm not sure I can, and I'm not sure if I'll just get more depressed if I try.

I feel like I'm failing my supervisor in taking so damn long to transcribe this music. I feel like a failure of a musician because this is really, really hard work. I feel like a failure of a human being because one phonecall makes me fall apart and lose all motivation and capacity for focus for several hours.

I will probably ask my doctor to up my prescription. But right now I'm just... discouraged. Really, really discouraged.

...thoughts? hugs?

 

As a musician who finds transcription incredibly difficult, I can reassure you that finding it difficult/high-energy/etc does not at all make you a failure of a musician.

(same with phone calls, really. I have to schedule phone calls so that I have at least an hour of free time after them to destress, so you are absolutely not alone in that.)

 

Work is hard! It's so draining, and it's not your fault that things not working out throws you off. I have the same problem. It's totally understandable to be scared to run out of medication, because that's something that's been helping you and keeping you going and you almost found out you couldn't get more. I think it's normal to be upset about things like that!

 

Addressing a small part of your post: searching for a therapist is rough, especially when you're in the kind of mental state where you're likely to need a therapist. :/ Something that my mom did for me that I found really helpful (and that I have subsequently done for a couple other friends) was to narrow the search. She didn't pick a therapist for me, but she acted as the initial filter and sent me a list of 5 that were close to where I lived, took my insurance, and looked like they matched the personality and therapy style I was looking for. Then I sent them all the same inquiry email and made an appointment (via email) with the first one to get back to me.

If there's someone who could do that for you (maybe your mom?), you might find it helpful in getting over the "need a therapist, but can't make an appointment because of all the reasons I need a therapist" hump. (I would do it, but that's more personal details than you want to give to a stranger on the internet!)

Have a hug from me, in any case. Keeping up school and work with depression and anxiety is really hard. You're not a failure. <3

 

Medical power of attorney, I think? I should know this and I don't. Also how many hug gifs do you have, I need them all.

 

thanks guys. like, actually. y'all are making me all teary. *watery smile*

I ended up getting sundaes with a friend and hanging out a bit. J came home early, wasn't feeling well, so we three played some King of Tokyo. I'm feeling a lot better.

@Lib: it's good to know I'm not the only one who has issues with transcription. I can hear the note, but then I can't find the note... I actually bruised my collarbone from tapping out rhythms on it while listening. i haven't got enough brain processes to do all of this at once - syncopation, rhythm, pitch, what? ahhhh (it doesn't help that I don't play any stringed instruments, so transcribing guitar/banjo is really really hard because what are the patterns if i just knew the patterns this would take two seconds)

@ZeroEsper: thanks. it was pretty scary to think that I'd run out on the 1st and then not have any till the 17th. those two and a half weeks felt like they were just gonna be a write-off right then and there.

@WithAnH: that's a good idea, and I really do appreciate the offer. :) I think I might talk to Mom about that, she's really good at phonecalls and she's super mama-bear about us kids.

@jacktrash: yaaaay jesse hugs :3 yeah, I didn't even realize you could go through the pharmacy! this brain-med is my first, and the only prescription I have otherwise is birth control, which is way less of a problem if I'm not actively on it. so this was an epiphany to me when my friend said "you should call the pharmacy!" i was like, what? that's a thing? the people at the pharmacy I go to are really friendly and know me by face now (I get meds every month so then I don't forget), so I think I should be okay to talk to them without freaking out too much. and I've been thinking about upping my dose for a while now - the typical prescription is 40mg, and I'm only on 20mg. I just figured I'd talk to my doc about it, y'know, next week. but I'll see him in a couple weeks and stick with the 20 for now, it's doing something at least.

oh - and power of attorney. yes, i've thought about that. I would definitely trust J to do it, so maybe I will think about it more. I'm not quite willing to give up on being able to do it myself most of the time: it has gotten a lot better since I started on the citalopram. like...oodles. i don't have to spend the morning psyching myself up to make a phonecall and bursting into tears if it doesn't go as planned. now it is just a distasteful thing which is usually a lot less bad than i think it is.

anyway. seriously, thanks guys. it's really easy to get into the "you have it so easy compared to other people, just be quiet and helpful" trap, and it's really heartening to get some love. *hugs for errybody*

 

... I'm on 10mg of escitalopram (basically the same pill, just an evergreened patent) and I've been told that it only comes in 10 or 20 mg, and that usual dose is 10 but 20 for severe cases. *chinhands* Of course, this might be outdated information, but it's also from a psych nurse, but it's also secondhand through my mom, but...

Yeah, I'd wait to see the doctor before fucking with meds, that's a good call. In the meantime, the pharmacy is probably your best bet. I need to research laws on this or something because it's also relevant to me but in some cases you can get "emergency supply." What that means I've never had cause to figure out, thankfully. Basically why are continuous refill needed medications even a thing for people with spoon issues I don't even know but you're handling it pretty well.

 

@pixels: that's interesting! I just did some looking, and it seems like there is actually a difference between recommended dosage for citalopram and escitalopram - so it looks like we're both right. XD escitalopram is indeed not recommended to be taken in doses above 20mg, but citalopram is 20-40 mg. you'd think they'd be similar, but I guess the chemical composition is different enough? i am not a chemist.

 

The only difference between the two is that escitalopram contains only one isomer of the molecule, while citalopram contains both. I guess only one of them is the functional version. Thus it makes sense that citalopram lets you take double the dose, because only half of it is effective.

 

anybody have any hugs? i'm currently falling apart. J and I got pissed at each other, I shared the story with a friend and they're on his side, and i'm pretty sure it's going to end up fine but right now all of my "Kay is never allowed to be right and never allowed to be angry" alarms are going off and my brain is just melting and i'm bawling. i can deal with being wrong but i hate it when i feel stupid and i feel stupid that i need validation even when apparently i'm objectively wrong and i just... i'm mad, the feeling is there, it's not fair that it can just be handwaved away with "you're wrong so you don't get to be angry" even when i don't think i'm wrong

and i know i'm putting words in their mouths and projecting and listening to negative self-talk and all that shit but i just can't make the feelings go away i never can they always stay too long and i can't say anything because the feelings are wrong and i shouldn't be having them

*dissolves* i'm supposed to be getting better i'm supposed to be helping people instead i'm just a fucking disaster

 

Spoiler: hug gif

it ok you can be mad even if you are wrong its an emotion it happens :(

 

It's totally okay to be angry regardless of whether you're 'right' or 'wrong' (although it's probably more complex than just that; I think most situations involving two people at odds probably go beyond just those two labels). It's a human emotion and no one can tell you that you're wrong to feel it!

 

blargh. today was a write-off. the last two and a half weeks, however, have not been, and i've gotten a lot of work done.

unfortunately

i leave Sunday to work as an administrative assistant/vocal coach for a drama camp. this is my fifth year doing it. i usually get the willies about it because it's Responsibility and People Respect Me and such, but it always ends up going well and the instructors love me.

i would have been able to get all but 8 of the songs transcribed before i left, if i hadn't torpedoed last night/today.

i have to get ready to go to camp. my moirail's mom is in town and we're having a BBQ with them on Saturday and long story short there's a lot of history in that relationship so both me and my moirail are sinking spoons into this weekend (her way more so than me, to be fair). i need to not feel like a complete and utter failure right now, tyvm. i need to not be deeply disappointed in myself because I couldn't muster the spoons to put myself through four-odd hours of listening to even more folk music. i had it in my head all day even though i didn't work. my supervisor comes back from her conference on Saturday. i wanted to have more ready for her. i have one whole album done and a bunch of songs nearly done but not quite and eight songs not even close to done. I wanted to have everything but the eight done. i already pushed the deadline back. i feel like such a disappointment. i can't follow through. i can't work hard enough. i can only put in three days of 5 hours a day before i burn out.

i went to the doctor yesterday. dosage officially bumped up to 30mg. thought about starting it last night. moirail pointed out that doing a dosage change right before leaving for a week without my regular support network might not be a good idea. she has a point. so holding off. doctor brought up the potential sexual side effects of citalopram (i.e. anorgasmia, lack of interest). this is already a problem and has been for a long time, for various mental/physical/emotional reasons (not to mention J is a conflicted gray ace with the same frustrating evangelical Christian bullshit in his background). so i'm anxious about that. doctor also brought up that higher doses of citalopram can cause weight gain, specifically from cholesterol. this is already a problem with me but he doesn't have those records yet. he says i need to eat fewer carbs and more vegetables. i knew that already. i've been trying to do that for years. J grew up on mushy peas and shoe leather steak and unsalted potatoes, he hates vegetables and half the time he thinks he's gonna set his cereal on fire if he cooks. i've barely gotten him eating canned diced tomatoes and frozen spinach in spaghetti sauce. i barely have the spoons to cook a few times a week, i sure as hell don't have the spoons to cook two meals. i don't have the spoons to have another go-round of the Big Relationship Issues because he needs time to think and i need to talk to think so we end up sitting their, me impatient and him humiliated.

i'm so tired.

i've barely done anything today. i lay in bed for two hours. i watched Steven Universe. i refreshed Kintsugi and Tumblr constantly. I managed to push myself to find a few boat trolls tumblr threads but then got too tired.

i want pizza. i want pizza with gooey mozzarella cheese. i want to be done these damn transcriptions. i want to figure out how to communicate effectively with my husband. i want to be done these damn transcriptions. i'm so close.

at this rate i'm gonna have two weeks of transcription work left after i come back from camp. i wanted one. I wanted none. ugh i just feel like such a failure why can't i just make myself do what needs to be done, the sink is full of dishes and i couldn't even put my leftover clam chowder in a tupperware container, it's just sitting in the fridge in a bowl.

and it's ridiculous because...because. because for some people this would be hella stable and just peachy. and i told the doctor yesterday that if the higher dose didn't help i'd be okay with what i've got but i want to try. i'm glad i'm not like this all the time any more and i know it's never gonna go away entirely but fuck

just

fuck.

*hides under a pile of blankets*

 

*falls over and cries because she's never going to be good enough and she's never going to be able to juggle everything at once and she clearly doesn't care enough or she'd drop the unimportant stuff or just DO THE IMPORTANT SHIT but NO instead she just gets tired and forgets things she agreed to do and never learns what she's supposed to and slacks off all the time and how the hell is she supposed to pull her weight in her marriage when she can barely pull her weight as a student and she's just a PATHETIC WANNABE who will NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING because she CAN'T WORK HARD ENOUGH and she should just GIVE UP because there are so many people who deserve it more than she does*

 

I have no idea if this song will help but it made me chuckle when I've had similar feelings

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