that's right it's time for that age old question when is help help, and when is it the needless and harmful taking on of another's responsibilities harmful to the one helping OR to the one helped, either way really. Posting on a subaccount to avoid search bot associations with anything. So, I went away to visit family for Xmas. Ended up staying a week instead of two days, partly because the car repair present was more complicated than expected, and partly because there was a party Sunday for all the cousins (including a few I haven't seen in ages). This meant that, instead of the house having 2 of the usual 4 people, there was just 1. 1 person making the messes, 1 person responsible for cleaning thing. But... they didn't really clean much of anything, and there were a lot of things strewn about here and there. Everybody in this household has some brainweird, between ADHD, depression, anxiety, executive function bullshit... we've all got one or more of those. So we have a mutual understanding that we don't want to push to the point of hurting anybody. We're still working on how best to work together. Or, at least, we're still working on how to work me in. The roomie who was here all week is the main person to cook, so they do contribute stuff to the communal Making Shit Work. They also tend to leave sink full of dishes, washer/drier full of clothing, and just generally things that make it difficult for others (me) to just do whatever I need to get done. I don't like saying to people "hey, could you do this thing to make space for me to do my thing." I don't like that at all! Even though I've figured out ways of wording it politely and mildly, it's still fucking unpleasant for me. I'd rather people just leave pathways and common purpose areas CLEAR except when in use, so that everything's available by default. Let clutter accumulate in personal spaces. So I go downstairs, thinking "okay, it's evening, I'll put away those dishes and get the next load started, especially since they made a tasty dinner so there's a mess." There's a fucking garbage bag sitting in front of the dishwasher. It's Monday, it's garbage day, but it's cold. It's Monday and it's garbage day and I only just today dragged our containers back from the sidewalk where they've been sitting and filling with water (partly frozen) all week, because roomie didn't. It's Monday and I don't feel like dragging it out into the cold. I don't feel like touching it at all, because why the fuck get the garbage out of the can, but not bring it outside into the outside can? why move it 6 feet and leave it in the way of something????? are they hoping I'll do it for them????????????????????????????????????????????? ugh. SO. Here I am wondering, how do I communicate about this, and what are reasonable agreements to come to? I don't mind going, well, this roomie, let's say Roomie Y, has trouble with Thing X, so be willing to explicitly communicate about that. I already have a system worked out with another of the roomies, let's say Roomie Z, for when we've been shopping too long and I need us to stop browsing and get going. I'm cool with coming up with ways of saying "so, the thing, we need to do something." Difficulties: Roomie Y complains about how Roomie Z needs things to be Just So. That's Y's reason for why they don't clean much; because Z will complain that it wasn't done right, but then Z won't actually do it themselves. If I say "hey, this isn't cool with me," will Y just hold it resentfully in their heart, doing it only when I'm looking, and complain about me when I'm out of sight? Roomie Y actually has a job and is contributing a fair share to rent, and I'm not. Some of the bs with my dad revolved around the central point that a person who is making money and paying for bills has, like, more importance when it comes to deciding who does what. That they get more veto power of saying "no, I'm too tired from work, you need to take care of this." I'm not sure how much I agree with it, but I don't 100% disagree with it. Hmm. I can't think of more to add to this. Posting as is.
Hm. This is a tough situation. On the one hand, you need to talk to the roomie who has been there all week. And on the other hand, these were extenuating circumstances. Warning: you may have thought of all of this already! I don't know what's going on in your head, or any of the backstory here. So please don't take any of this as "well duh, obviously you need to do it this way". This is just me musing. It seems to me like all three of you need to decide mutually on what's being done. Perhaps Y feels that as the 'breadwinner' of the house, they are indeed often too tired to do quite so many chores. This is the case in my house, where J is the primary breadwinner and I do most of the chores. (I want to renegotiate some of this now that I'm back in school, but hey, that's another story.) Perhaps Z does need things to be Just So, and this needs to be a thing that they do because otherwise they won't be happy with it - or else it needs to be X or Y's responsibility, and Z ignores it. (As a side note, this situation is something that J and I deal with all the time, and which actually came up in our premarital counseling. I dislike having things not done 'properly', so then if I'm really concerned about this, it has to be my job, and I can't complain about it. On the other hand, if J has responsibility for a chore, and I don't like the way it's done, either we renegotiate or I bite my tongue and deal with it.) There are going to have to be compromises here. And while no one's ever quite happy with a compromise, I feel like having things actually work will make life a lot easier. About the extenuating circumstances - yes, they're extenuating, and now they need to be caught up on. Maybe whoever was home had a really shitty brain week, and maybe they meant to move the garbage but it just didn't happen. That would probably need to be part of the group discussion - i.e., are you okay? Also, if they were feeling overwhelmed by being the only one who can do things, and since you (for one) were away longer than planned, it doesn't seem unreasonable to me that everyone pitches in to clean up post-holiday. Kinda shitty, would have been nice for it to be done, but hey. Some big things I'm noticing: if Y cooks, does Y always do the dishes? or if Y cooks, does someone other than Y do the dishes? is there a rotation? does one person prefer loading/unloading the dishwasher, and someone else prefers washing pans? what about drying? (when we had a dishwasher, I loaded it and J unloaded it, and I washed the pots and pans. now that we do not have a dishwasher, I wash the dishes and he puts them away, or dries and puts them away.) trash. someone needs to take it out, and someone needs to bring the containers in. rotation, or one job? (I have a terrible gag reflex, so J does the garbage. He also does the recycling. I, however, am in charge of the cat litter.) laundry. individual responsibility, or communal? i.e., you do your own clothes, or everyone contributes to the piles? are there scheduled days? if someone doesn't mind changing the loads, but hates folding, and someone else likes folding, break up the jobs. (I do most all the laundry, but often I will give J his socks to pair because I just cannot.) tidying. individual responsibility? communal "okay this is the morning where we tidy"? if individual responsibility, agree on areas which are to be kept clean for communal use - and agree that individuals can be held accountable for their mess, if they did not clean it up. contingency plans. what if someone is sick, or away? how do you distribute the slack? What J and I did when we split up the chores was to literally list every chore that had to be done, and then we would volunteer for the ones we didn't mind, discuss the ones that we hated, and then agree on how often they should be done. so, for instance, I'm in charge of vacuuming, but J's in charge of sweeping. we also agreed that we can remind each other to do a chore, and it's not to be taken as a slight but more of a checking-in. we are not always good at taking it like that, but that was the agreement.
