Adulting is Hard etc

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Enzel, Jan 14, 2016.

  1. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Still no sign of a new roommate, old one is officially moving out today and since she's been giving me the cold shoulder, I don't know if I'm going to get any notice for when I need to leave.

    Mom keeps emailing me apartments to look at and then calling me and nagging about them. I'm just a giant ball of nerves rn.
  2. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Roommate is finally moving out today and she texts me to come talk to her. Ok. Starts talking about how when the new person is going to move in on March 1st and I interrupt her and say "So you found someone? You didn't tell me." And she goes "Oh, it was confirmed yesterday, so I hadn't gotten around to it."

    THAT SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING IMPORTANT WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TEXT ME IT. jesus. I was home before she went to bed yesterday, too.

    Turns out she wants me to put the utilities in my name even though it's her and the new girl on the lease and not me??? This is my first ever apartment so I really don't know enough about this stuff, and when i ask for clarification she tells me to call the utility companies and just get them transferred. "it's easy" *proceeds to not explain how to do it*

    I'm suspicious because she had the same attitude when i tried to get on the lease in September and acted so surprised when she had to get written consent from her friend, so. I don't really believe it's "easy" or that the companies will just...give me the bills? without notice from her? when I'm not on the lease?

    And all of a sudden my mom is like YOU SHOULD MOVE OUT MARCH 1ST ANYWAY TO SPITE HER and I'm like. THE WHOLE POINT of this stupid fiasco was me NOT MOVING in the middle of my last school semester so i could focus on schoolwork, which I can barely do anyway because of the stress of this whole thing.

    /pulls own hair

    I honestly cannot tell if she's deliberately obtuse or she's trying to make my life hell because she's mad at me. I cannot wait until she's gone.
  3. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    reading that is setting off all kinds of alarm bells for me tbh
  4. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I think she just doesn't understand how these things work. Like she doesn't seem to grasp the difference in importance between a verbal agreement and a written contract which is why she got so angry when I refused to agree to pay the termination fee. She said something like because I had agreed to pay rent that it was just part of my responsibility. Nevermind that when I moved in I asked if she wanted me to sign a roommate agreement and she was like "nah". So she just. Had expectations and didn't feel like putting them in writing and now she's mad because I'm not playing. And she can't legally force me to either.

    Like, the place is still in her name. If she terminates it's on her, the only thing anyone can make me do is leave. The best case for both of us was the same scenario, i.e. finding someone to take her room, but she made it so damn difficult and decided we were enemies instead.

    I don't really want my wifi and electricity shut off, so I'm going to try calling the companies, but I doubt they'll just turn the bills over to me, so I'm just going to relay that to her with the polite equivalent of "tough shit". I'm also going to try talking to New Roommate at some point, because I'm p sure she's planning to stay until August, and I'm not.

    I'm still kind of rolling my eyes because before she left Old Roommate proceeded to tell me that I needed to tell her by the end of March if I was moving out after school ended, and I was thinking, you didn't give ME any notice for this shit, why should I accommodate you? But since I'm not an asshole, I will actually do the search myself to find someone and not finalize my plans to leave before I do.
    • Like x 1
  5. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    hate phone calls. just. hate them.

    both gas and electric companies wanted me to send in ID in addition to taking my social security number. so have to wait til monday to get results of the transfer. but i think the hard part is done. definitely getting my period soon because I start feeling a special kind of grumpiness that gets worse when I realize what it is, because I get pissed that I can't counteract my hormones fucking with me just by realizing it.

    Patch notes for FF14 3.2 came out and made me happy again for a bit, that helped. a lot of new stuff I'm excited for.

    im just glad roommate has finally moved out and i have the place to myself until march. but she left a huge mess and texted me claiming she will come clean it up. it's been 4 days and she hasn't. p annoyed. her room is her problem but her friends who helped her move got dirt all over the hallway/kitchen/bathroom floors, and i had to take out a big load of trash and recycling because she hoarded all these empty glass jars under the sink.


    low on spoons and cooking w.o a microwave sucks.
  6. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Adhd strikes again

    Last year I didn't do a major project because my brain couldn't process what was required to even start it at all. I told my professor about my diagnosis at the end of the semester and said I'd look into accommodations but things have just been too hectic. I have the same prof this year for both classes (it's a v small program) so she knows but...I'm just terrible at keeping on top of things and the stress has been building

    I put school out of my mind because we had a snow day and then the next week was a holiday so I haven't had class in 2 weeks. I was going to do some work tomorrow but now it turns out I have 3 times as much to do because I missed an email telling me about it. I assumed my prof was emailing my personal email bc she did it before, but she sent it to my school email instead and I hardly check that. So now I find out two days before class I'm supposed to have this major assignment done. I'm ready to call off work but I really shouldn't.

    Also I'm extra cranky because period is happening and I agreed to go to dinner for my brother's bday but my mom didn't give me the whole plan ahead of time. It ended up running super late and I'm tired and have to get up early for work. I have to stay over my parents' tonight because they won't take me home (I have no car and it's too late at night for public transport)


    I have to buckle down and do a LOT of homework tomorrow after work and I don't know if I can focus long enough to do it. Just feel like crying and lying in bed.
  7. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I also still have to sort out the utility transfers AND call to get myself a psychiatrist so maybe i can actually get medication for the thing that is preventing me from getting work done. Also my apartment still needs cleaning from the mess my stupid roommate left.

    I really wanted to make a new costume for the local convention in march but that's definitely not happening and it's one of the few things I'm excited about

    Why doesn't life have a pause button
  8. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Spamming my own thread but

    I think on top of all this shit I'm having a bad gender week, I mean I usually get worse bc of period but it seems especially bad. Still untangling it, not sure if I can out it in words. Just can't get comfortable and not being able to be in my own bed or set boundaries w my mom isn't helping

    I always do things that make me miserable bc refusing the social obligation comes at too high a cost with her
  9. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I've forgotten how to do schoolwork.

    Part of why I decided on this program was by the end of my first run at college where I dropped out was that doing any sort of writing assignment became impossible. And it's stupid because I always loved writing. I will write paragraphs and paragraphs on this forum or for role play or whatever. But I don't know how to do school assignments or essays anymore. My brain just blanks out or panics, worse if the assignment isn't clearly defined.

    I struggled through the past 2 years doing my assignments with the only huge disaster being the project I mentioned a few posts back. I suspect it's because it involved an essay and a presentation, 2 things I haven't done in years. I was ok making projects (I'm in fashion design) and just rambling about my design process during the crits, but writing about a designer when I'd never been remotely interested in any designers before?

    I read a lot of books which was fine but I just couldn't get anything down in words. I tried. I think I turned in an outline and that was it. I don't know how I passed that class at all.

    now I'm stuck in this class about fashion and culture, which is interesting enough, but I REALLY wanted to take the hat making class instead because I wouldn't have to write things, just make stuff. But that class didn't fill up and they canceled it, so this is the only thing really left to fulfill my elective requirement so I can graduate in may.

    on top of that my portfolio class requires a resume, which fuck that for so many reasons, and a write up on a brand I want to work for. My prof said I could pick a costume designer but I'm honestly baffled as to how to tailor the assignment for that.

    I did the readings for the culture class but I can barely parse textbooks anymore, the writing is like stale bread and my brain started to turn off after one chapter even with music playing, which usually helps me focus. I start to be able to predict what the writer is trying to say because they take so damn long to say it and get amazingly bored while they take 5 paragraphs to get to the point. I started skimming to get the idea but even then, after...

    I didn't know what to write about it. We're supposed to do a couple paragraphs response to each chapter's so nebulous I can't wrap my head around what I'm supposed to even say? It was literally ten pages talking about how anthropologists classify dress (as in fashion/culture trends). I really dont have an opinion on it aside from "huh, neat."

    I have no idea what to put on my resume. My current job has nothing to do with sewing. I cosplay but I've never really completed a successful commission because I'm terrible at deadlines. The only thing I've ever done officially related to costume design was working in a play about 4 years ago as an assistant. I've never even won any awards at conventions, mostly because my stage fright prevented me from entering any contests.

    How the heck do I get accommodations for my ADHD when my problem is "I don't know how to make myself write anymore"? Or the fact that my problem is not realizing I have a problem with the assignment until it's too late? Or just plain forgetting things? I'm trying not to cry on the train to class because I promised myself I wouldn't ever skip unless I'm sick, even if I haven't done the work, because showing up is the most important.

    I don't even know what to say to my professor. She's gone out of her way for me before and she could have failed me for that essay I just never did, and I asked her for a recommendation letter for the internship i want to apply for. But if I can't even do regular school assignments how is she supposed to feel obligated to say anything good about me? I have no work ethic. I can't even explain why I can't do the assignments.

    I don't know if I can explain what's going on without it sounding like a sob story trying to make her feel bad for me but I also don't want to say nothing and make her think I'm just blowing off school. I can't really ask my parents because my mom has a knack for making me feel worse about myself when I ask for help but putting on her "teacher talking to small child" voice and being amazingly condescending. She also doesn't fucking understand how executive dysfunction WORKS despite being a special ed teacher which. That's a whole bother can of worms. Like she had the basic concept but she still thinks it's a matter of willpower and "pushing through" or something. I don't know. I'm rambling at this point.

    Why can I write this much whining about my life and not just be some crap to hand in to my teacher so I don't have to panic like this? I feel completely worthless.
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2016
  10. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I mean, what the heck do you do when your professor is also your advisor and your problem is "I didn't realize I would have trouble with this assignment until the night before it was due, but if I asked for help/clarification then you would know I waited until the night before it was due to even look at the guidelines when I had nearly three weeks to do it"

    Why am I such a human disaster.
  11. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    Because you have a serious illness.

    e: what i mean by this is that the reason you are feeling poorly and having difficulty coping with things that are happening to you is something that is by no means your fault
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2016
    • Like x 1
  12. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    Didn't get the work done but since I did the readings, mostly, I put some effort into class discussion to try to make up for it. Prof was understanding about the email thing, and I will now make sure to check my school email for everything from here on.

    I made sure to make a list of all the assignments I need to make up complete with details. It seems a little overwhelming still but thankfully I have structured my work schedule so I have the two days after class off to chill out and try to work on things.

    I think the combo of stress about the roommate stuff and then plans not happening the way they should+hormones being stupid just...was too much. going to class was the right decision. I really struggle with avoidance still.

    Not sure what to do about the resume thing but I will see if she has any advice about that later. (I have both classes w her one after another basically)

    I appreciate the reply. I think I didn't realize how much I still struggle with self- worth since my self-care has improved. I try not to say self-deprecating things aloud or in public because I know it's manipulative, but at the same time holding the feelings in all the time gets hard. A lifetime of being good at some stuff and being told that means I should be good at everything takes its toll and all.

    Tomorrow I'm going to maybe treat myself w take out and get my phone calls done. Utilities, psychiatrist, maybe physical therapy for my back, though that's less urgent. The likelihood I will get to the last one is low but I figured I'd include it because it's something I've been putting off too long.

    Wed I have an appt to talk about types of birth control the might help with the hormones fucking w my emotions. Maybe that will help.

    Off the subject of school, having to vigilantly reinforce boundaries w my mom is so fucking exhausting and I often find myself getting angry. I really don't like it. I wish there were another way.
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2016
    • Like x 1
  13. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag



    So self conscious right now. I was excited about the game's new mentoring system and now I'm like I CANT TEACH PEOPLE, IM A FUCKUP.

    Aware this is an overreaction, but I just needed to get it out somewhere. Despite knowing it's absurd and it was an honest mistake my brain still likes to freak out every time I think about it. Same song and dance with most mistakes or social faux pas I make.

    In other news, utilities are finally sorted after wrestling w the phone calls. Homework will be attempted tomorrow, but today I have an 8 hour shift at work and I doubt I'll get anything else done. I specifically requested shifts between 4-7 hours because 7 seems to be the point I can handle things before I start getting utterly exhausted and need a full day to recharge. Being physically drained by social interaction is extremely frustrating.

    We're short on people today apparently, so I'm just going to stick it out, but god do I hate Saturdays. I also slept through my alarm so I figured I'd call an Uber to get me to work on time, except the closest one was 15 minutes away so I'd be late anyway. Currently on the train being grumpy about it.

    In slightly-positive news, I got a prescription for birth control that might help with my absurd pms moodswings. That is if I don't get any annoying side effects, fingers crossed. Also, it's free with my insurance. THANKS OBAMA
    • Like x 2
  14. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I'm going to scream

    2 days before she was supposed to move in the new rm who already paid a deposit backed out and wont give any reasons why

    old rm is terminating april 1st

    i may as well just go back and live with my parents until school is done and be miserable for a month

    what the FUCK did i do to deserve this
  15. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    It's obvs not the end of the world but I thought it was finally over and now back to the same old

    I'm constantly tired and stressed and I can't think much about the future. My mom keeps bugging me about internships and I'm like I can barely keep my head above water in work and school. I'm constantly 5-10 minutes late to work because I have no energy to get myself out of the apartment. I haven't been sleeping well. I don't know what's stress and what's side effects of me adjusting to my new bc meds. My entire body is tense.

    I just want all this to be over. By which I mean I want it to be June and have it all behind me for better or worse.
    • Like x 1
  16. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    lethargic update:

    Sorta ok. Been feeling slightly less stressed but extremely tired. Not sure if it's new bc meds. Apparently it takes a week or so for you to adjust so I'm trying to wait it out but blehhhh.

    Weird-ass nightmares always mean I'm extra stressed, though, I got them all through high school. This one was about a haunted house that freaked me out even during the daytime. I'm a huge baby.

    Mom had the nerve to tell me she looked at my bank account and decided I was spending "too much" money on takeout food. Because I've been so low on spoons lately I haven't been making myself lunches to take to work. (my bank account has been a sub account of my parents' so they could easily send me money when I was away at school, and I really should get my own account but fuck bank fees.)

    Dad sent me that article claiming "ego depletion theory has been debunked".I had no fucking clue what it meant until someone else explained it to me but it sure seemed like a dig at the idea that spoon theory explains.

    I've explained spoons as a way to communicate exec dysfunction to them before, but they completely failed to grasp it, as a metaphor or anything. And now it feels like they continue to invalidate how hard I've worked to learn my own limits and be kind to myself.

    Honestly now that I've been without a roommate for nearly a month, I'm keeping the place cleaner than I used to. My room is a little cluttered but the kitchen and bathroom are clean. I'm actually kinda not looking forward to sharing space w a stranger again.
  17. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    "I'm not going to hold your hand anymore" and "everyone feels bad and still gets things done"

    such nice, thoughtful things to tell someone who has been mired in executive dysfunction for years

    someone whose recovery you actively impeded by expecting them to just "try harder"

    someone you laughed at when they expressed they might need to be hospitalized for their emotional distress

    please. if she ever held my hand it was while berating me that I was SO SMART so why couldn't I just DO THINGS and clearly i didn't WANT THEM ENOUGH if I didn't succeed

    and then wanting praise for trying ~so hard~ to help me

    not actually listening to what I needed

    getting me a speech therapist who humiliated me for not being able to get there on time when my problem isn't talking it's ANXIETY and time blindness

    every time I was late she'd make me knock and then wait outside until she "felt like" letting me in and then got frustrated and snapped at me when I froze up in fear and anxiousness during roleplaying scenarios (i cannot do verbal roleplay, just no)

    I don't know why I'm remembering this suddenly but I think it's because it feels like the people who have tried to "help" me my whole life never understood what the problem WAS

    my last therapist kept encouraging me to try to "repair" my relationship with my mother and "see her point of view" because hey! if she did stuff because she loved me, it doesn't matter that it hurt me and destroyed my self-esteem, right???

    she loves me. That means everything she does is fine. understandable. I have to try to see things from HER point of view but she can't be fucking BOTHERED to actually try to see things from mine.

    I'm so tired of crying, I'm tired of not feeling rested when I sleep, being told that struggling to juggle work and school isn't a big enough problem

    I'm tired of feeling like a failure for not performing humanity adequately. I'm tired of feeling ashamed of myself, for being weird, for making involuntary faces in public, for being stared at, for liking "childish" things, for not being good enough at art to make a living off it, for being tired all the time.

    I feel like I've been tired since I was 14. Lots of medical tests. nothing ever came up. Shrugged off as "the depression".

    I just read a four-book series in 3 days for school. So it's just the textbook, honestly, and its terrible dense academic language. I still read as quickly as I used to. I still get excited about fictional worlds just as much. I can work with it. I'm probably not going to finish all the schoolwork I have by monday but at least it's a start.

    I could meet with my teacher, I guess, but what would I say? "I've been slowly having an emotional breakdown over the last month and a half."
  18. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    oh. right. my refusal (tacit or otherwise) to do things was always, always interpreted as "stubbornness". I was stubborn. That's how it was. sometimes i just didn't do things. no one knew why! No one tried to find out! And I didn't always have the words to explain, or if I did the reason didn't matter to them.

    I was just stubborn!

    It was cute when you were little but now it's just a pain.

    Edit: It's just so backwards how people constantly interpreted my behavior as not caring about other people when I constantly obsess and worry over how they think of me?

    I am chronically late. I've been told it's inconsiderate. it's embarrassing. I lost a job because of it.


    but no. I must be doing it on purpose. I must not be trying hard enough. I must be reminded how i'm inconveniencing other people.

    Reading an article about ADHD and time blindness nearly made me cry with relief, because there was an explanation for the thing that had been fucking me up since...forever.

    But I still don't really know how to fix it.
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2016
  19. SpruceZeus

    SpruceZeus 2 spoopy 2 live, 2 creppy 2 die

    that's fucking awful

    unfortunately i don't know how to fix it any better than you do so i guess i will just say, witnessed, and good luck finding a mental health professional that isn't terrible who can actually help you?
    • Like x 1
  20. Enzel

    Enzel androgynous jrpg protag

    I do appreciate witnesses. Like, in some ways just venting here does help, if only a little bit.

    I'm constantly sort of shocked by how much anger I have about my life, especially how I grew up and the things I internalized. Like, I never think of myself as an angry person but when I do get angry...I don't know. It feels awful and I don't like it, but I can't keep it in.
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