I have a friend with complex, delicate problems that I don't know how to ameliorate. TW: suicide, self harm, abuse, delusions, unhealthy BDSM/kink Background: One of my friends, whom we shall call Dorian, is in dire need of mental support. He lives several states away; we primarily interact online, and even that is only sporadic, since his waking hours are unpredictable. Dorian's home life is not good, and has not ever been good. He doesn't talk about it enough to give me an accurate sense of how bad things are, but they do things like cutting his internet and not preparing food he can eat (he is vegetarian). I'm positive he has also been abused in other ways by other people before I knew him, since he's alluded to some things of that nature. He is largely socially isolated, and very shy. He self harms consistently and pretty majorly, in a variety of ways. He attempted suicide last year, and was in the hospital unconscious for a couple days, and in a mental ward for weeks after that. However, all that barely gets at the meat of the problem, which is that he is utterly, completely convinced that his life has a "purpose", which is "to be of use to a higher being, and to understand his own worthlessness". He hurts himself (cutting, burning, stabbing, or biting) whenever he has a thought that "runs counter to his purpose" - in other words, any time Dorian thinks he has any worth, he intentionally inflicts harsh corporal punishment on himself to cure himself of those supposedly undeserved thoughts. He used to have a boyfriend who he referred to as his owner, and who he believes is the "highest being" he has met. He believes that his purpose is to serve this owner and be hurt by him. This 'owner' agreed with Dorian about his purpose, and did things which Dorian has outright admitted would be abusive if they were done to anyone else, but does not consider abuse because "it's his purpose to be worthless and degraded". Let's be clear here: I like and enjoy healthy kink/BDSM myself. This is not, even remotely, what he is engaging in. He will not tell me any details, but I know that every single friend Dorian has talked to about this "owner" hates him, is extremely upset that Dorian chooses to be involved with him, and absolutely considers the relationship abusive. This owner played a large role in Dorian's suicide attempt, although afterwards he did at least express regret that Dorian had tried to kill himself (possibly simply because then he wouldn't have an easy target to manipulate and abuse). They are currently not officially in a relationship, but Dorian still views him as the highest being he knows and wants to serve him. He says he would also be happy to enter into a relationship with a different "higher being" and serve them, if he finds one - meaning he is actively and knowingly searching out abusive, violent people. I cannot convince him that his "purpose" doesn't exist. I cannot convince him he needs help. I cannot convince him he has worth outside of being hurt and used. I cannot convince him to stop, or even lessen, the amount or severity of self-harm he inflicts on himself on a daily basis. Basically, I'm at a dead end. I don't know how to help, and I don't know what to do next. Has anyone gone through anything similar, or helped friends with anything similar?
Okay I have been in probably a similar kinda thought pattern as your friend so I feel like I can understand where he is coming from, but I had those kinds of thoughts when I was being severely affected by my OCD so this dude is seriously mentally unwell holy shit. Which uh you probably know but aaaaah. I honestly don't even know. It took a lot of convincing for me to believe that I needed help, but these dude seems honestly convinced that he is a lesser being that needs to serve higher being and let them hurt him which could make it even harder to convince him. The only thing I can think is forcing help upon him, which would probably be sucky for everyone and I'm not sure if it's possible I. I really don't know what to do but I commiserate. I wish I know what would get through to your friend =(
I think you need professional help. Meaning professional advice on how to deal with a situation like that, because he sounds like he is in very, very deep. A thing you can perhaps do is interact with him about other things in his life that are not about the boyfriend? If there is stuff like that. It is a recommendation I see sometimes in relations to people whose friends are in abusive relationships, to give those friends something else to think about for a while than the relationship. I wish you all the strength.
tiny mushroom, what helped you get out of that thought pattern? Hoarmurath, I have been considering trying to bring in outside professional help of some sort or another, but the problem is, it would have to be against his will. He would not agree to it. And if, at some point, he does agree to it, that will already mean he's doing waayy way better than he is right now. I definitely talk about other things with him (in part because it's impossible for us to see eye to eye on his mental health and "purpose", so talking about that with him is currently a dead end). I remind him whenever it comes up that I like him based on his own merits as a person, that he's worth a great to deal as a friend, that his "owner" is not good for him, etc, but in general we steer clear of the topic.
The ethics of involving professional help against someone's will are quite complicated. I do recommend that you yourself talk to someone professional about that. There is a risk that if you make the decision of intervening, he will take it badly and think you betrayed him. But - if the price of not betraying his confidence is that this situation continues, well? Sometimes you have to hurt someone a little so that they will not hurt a lot in the future. I am not saying this is the case right now because I do not have enough information, but I feel that if the price of helping someone was the loss of their confidence, I would personally consider doing it. What I mean is that while I don't 100% advocate professionally intervening in his life, I do 100% advocate that you yourself research the available options of doing such a thing. This way, if his situation gets acutely worse (another possible attempt), you can do something. That is really good to do, talking about other things. It might feel like a small thing, but small things do add up over time. Encouraging him to do other things that don't involve the ex-boyfriend is also good. Does he have any interests like writing or drawing that you could encourage him to do as a possible way of diverting the self-harm? No idea if it would work, but. You need to take care of yourself as well. You can't let yourself get dragged into the emotional mire of feeling constant worry and upset, because that will hurt you as well over time as it compounds. So please keep yourself in mind as well, for your sake. It's the "please secure own oxygen mask before helping others" thing. He's in a shitty shitty situation, but if you get emotionally too involved in it, you cannot help him just as well.
Spoiler: Just in case it upsets or triggers anyone Basically, my thought spirals became, "I am a terrible person. I am selfish and disgusting. I think bad thoughts. I don't deserve to live. All these other people are wonderful and selfless and make life better for other people. Why do I keep existing when all I do is take up resources that they should be allowed to have?" and I didn't actually want to die or anything but I would do things like not letting myself eat until I was about to faint to punish myself for daring to eat food that more deserving people should have, and I'd purposely sit in ways that hurt my legs again as a form of self-punishment. I was also sure that if I didn't follow certain rituals and didn't think only positive and pure thoughts then nature spirits/God would kill and/or curse me and my family. OCD is fun. What helped me was what I think is CBT therapy? It requires looking at your thoughts and telling yourself, "This is not logical. This is not true," and going over the evidence you have that what you think isn't true. For me it was things like, "Your family and friends love you. Your existence makes them happy. You give money to homeless people sometimes. You're studying teaching which will help children. You work for your uni's disability centre which helps people. You do good things. Even if you didn't, you're still a person and you deserve to eat and be happy." It's not easy and it took a long time and I still get trapped in those thought spirals. If desiring punishment is acting like an OCD compulsion for this guy, the man treatment is resisting the compulsion (which is unpleasant and anxiety-inducing but it must be done, and it gets easier the more you do it) and medication. I'm not saying he has OCD, I feel like there is something very serious happening in this guy's brain regardless of what it is, but that's what helped me. (I got through the religious intrusive thoughts by being like, "That makes no sense. As if you are special enough or powerful enough for you not lining sticks up along the side of the road to warrant death to you or your loved ones. You can't control other people's fates like that. And everyone thinks negative things sometimes, and they're okay. So chill m8.") I second @hoarmurath in keeping him distracted and away from the topic of his self-worth and from his ex. I also think, if you can't get him professional help, finding out from a professional ways to help him could be beneficial. But do not burn yourself out in the process.
Uuggghhh. He's getting anons telling him to die, and his response is: mm, im sorry anon! there are many traits that come with my existence, one of them being that i fail at the easiest of tasks! ive tried to kill myself a couple of times before but ive unfortunately fallen short and failed every single time so its absolutely hopeless for me to do the job! so if you want me dead, then im afraid youll have to come and kill me yourself! i would like to see the amount of dedication and desire you have for wanting me dead and im sure it would be a beautiful thing to behold! someone as hopeless and useless as me could never finish the job but im sure you who speaks their mind openly like this would be able to do it, i have faith in you! so, please, if you want me dead, show me your conviction! I know it may look like it without knowing him, but he is not mocking the asker, except inasmuch as he believes that people who don't follow through on their beliefs are weak (he's challenging them to kill him to prove they are admirable). Where do I even start?
Alright, reviving this thread to point at these newer tumblr posts and say "uuuggghhhhhh" over and over. At this point I'm not convinced it's possible to salvage him from the wreckage of his belief system (not within the next several years anyway). An anon wrote: he replied: What does one say to that? There's no way to dig him out. He also sounds incredibly condescending when he replies to anyone who says he isn't garbage. Ugh.
