One of my best friends is getting married next year. She let us know yesterday. We're all happy about it, they've got things sorted plan-wise, it's all good on that front. But then the subject of the hen party came up. Another of our friends is hyper-organised, over-excitable, and tends to come up with big, complicated plans. This is no exception. The bride-to-be has said she wants something very simple and low-key, ideally afternoon tea or something. Hyper-organised friend has steamrollered ahead with planning, which has now ballooned in to a spa, afternoon tea, dinner, and staying overnight at a hotel. I've been talking to bride-to-be and her fiancé, and they've designated me as the official No Fuss Officer. Which I'm happy to be. I'm determined that the bride-to-be will have the event SHE wants, not what someone else thinks she should want. Bride-to-be is quite timid, and not good at saying no to hyper-organised friend. I'm usually the one that acts as a buffer. But I'm starting to get major anxiety over the fact that in the past, hyper-organised friend has not listened to anyone else's pleas to reign things in. She'll say, 'Okay, I hear what you're saying. How about...' and then just re-outline her original plan. No compromise. No simplification. She'd also decided that her boyfriend will be planning fiancé's stag do, which he shut down pretty quickly because one of his other friends (who he's known for much longer than he's known us) will be doing it. After consulting with the fiancé I've put forward my own plan, but haven't had a response. I'm concerned that hyper-organised friend will think I'm stepping on her toes as the self designated Planner of Things. Some extra background: For the bride-to-be's last birthday, I was pushing for the sort of party that she said she wanted. Hyper-organised friend had other ideas. I kept trying to reign her in. Hyper-organised friend just made a separate chat group, without me in it, and continued with her plans anyway. Bride-to-be was too shy to say no. So my question is: How do you stand your ground with louder, more confident, more stubborn friends when you yourself have anxiety issues?
... how is she still a friend of either of you? because that "you said something i didn't like that went against my decisions so i'll just make a new chat without you to keep doing it" is SUPER shitty. i think just keep harping on "this is an awsome plan and when it's your turn to get married we will most definitely keep it in mind, but Friend is shy, calm and retiring and will hate it. you know this. it's her wedding day, we will do what she likes, not what you like." (we will, not we should. it is the thing that is going to happen.) if your friend put you in charge, then she should/maybe already has also told people that! and then ... well it's gonna be hard and probably shitty and might prompt an explosion, but you're also in your rights to say "sorry buddy, i'm nixing this one, anyone else has other ideas?" you are the coordinator/head honcho. she can make up as many plans as she wants, the whole group needs to be aware that none of them are getting ahead without your say-so. and ignore her if she keeps trying to push her original plan, and remind other people, and have the bride remind other people, that she's not the one in charge, you are. that also means being proactive in setting up your own group dates for getting ready and setting the plans you guys decide on into motion, and reminding people dragged in her wake that her plan is not the one you guys are going with, and... yeah, she will probably flounce. is it going to be that big a loss? is letting her have her way AGAIN for fear of drama going to make the bride happy? if she doesn't flounce then reward her with planning some parts of the things you guys have decided on in more detail, since she might like it even if she's not the one calling the shots, but if she keeps bitching about how much of an imposition it all is, "ok i understand that you're not feeling it rewarding, it's fine, i'll ask someone else to take care of it instead." you guys can manage without her. she needs to be aware of the fact. YOU GUYS need to be aware of the fact. it's easy to rest on someone bossy and inventive like that but when she bosses you in directions you have no interest in going then remember you can nah-but-thanks, too. edit: and i realize i have no advice for your anxiety that isn't "ignore it an do things anyway!!" which is... well, some people can, and some people find it hella counterproductive and insensitive, so that wasn't really helpful. i hope other people have concrete suggestions, apart from "fight her!!" i'm drawing a blank, but i'm fairly confrontational irl so that's probably not going to work for you. i think the major point is that you and bride need to be a visibly united front and that your group of friends needs to be aware of the fact. they will probably all support you if that's made clear, which will take some stress out of dealing with miss army general in that you won't have to wrestle all the time to make sure they don't start implementing her ideas because she's so convincing and bossy.
It was shitty. Absolutely. But Bossy Friend is, for all intents and purposes, a good person. Her bossiness comes from a place of 'I want everyone to have a good time because these are people I love, and I need to keep everything in hand to make sure that happens'. She just tends to lose sight of what the actual aim is. I'm sorry, I worded myself unclearly. The designation of the bride was less an official 'Everyone, she's in charge' thing, and more a private 'We need you to help us because this has the potential to spiral out of control' thing. Bride has privately expressed her anxiety over saying no to Bossy Friend to me in the past, so I'm filling a support / behind the scenes role more than anything. This is what I'm trying my best to head off as quickly as possible, by presenting my own plan that's been checked over by the fiance. I don't want a repeat of other instances where this has happened. The flouncing will make me unhappy, because I do love her dearly. And I'm concerned that the bride will feel guilty if she does. But then, this is an important celebration, and it does absolutely need to be about the bride, not anyone else. It's just sort of like trying to shout in to a hurricane to make it stop. Once she gets an idea in her head she's totally focused on it. I'm okay at standing my ground usually, but that ability wavers when my anxiety flares up. And bossy friend does unwittingly have a knack for making it flare up. You're right. 9 out of 10 times we end up delegating the planning to her. Which makes things difficult the one time we want more of a hand in things. I mean, maybe this will be the rare exception to the rule and she'll read what I've proposed and say 'Yeah! Let's do that!' But in my experience it doesn't tend to run that way and that's causing me anxiety.
bride has hobbled you in dealing with her by not giving you any actual power but still giving you the responsibility of saving her bridal party singlehandedly. basically you're both going to be hemming and hawwing quietly and trying to delegate putting your foot down to each other when you should be showing a united front. :/ meanwhile runaway train friend keeps running away with her ideas and putting in a ton of work and the longer it lasts and the more she will feel like you guys have wasted her time and care by not telling her earlier. it doesn't need to be a long discussion, like "i don't want to be spoiled (blahblah so excited to see what's coming!! positive positive happiness), but i'm giving Nertburgs the veto power because i know they have very similar tastes to mine! guys, be sure to suggest things to them!" because otherwise, she has absolutely no reason to give your opinion any weight at all and it'll be basically a "why should i listen to you when your ideas aren't that great and you have no more of a reason than me to be in charge" from BOTH ends. at least meddlefriend will see it exactly like that. she doesn't realize that her awesome ideas are a burden to other people, so she's not going to see it differently until the concerned parties say it loud and insistently enough that she can't ignore it, and that will hurt her feelings no matter what, whether she goes the "why don't you like the awesome stuff" route or the "why didn't you tell me sooner that i was making you do things you dislike THAT much" route. alternately how is the fiance about putting their foot down? cause you could ask them for support. if they're not as close to runaway train it might even be a lot easier for them to say "no, bride will really not enjoy that."
I've been runaway train friend, though I like to think maybe I was a little more aware than yours? Anyway, it seems like she's way over-ambitious. You said the bride said she wanted something small, yes? Maybe you could have the bride set parameters (how many hours, how many people, how far away, how much money, etc) and use that as your tool for reining your mutual friend in. "I don't think we'll have time for all of that in (x amount of hours)." "That's going to put us past our budget of (dollars)." "Bride said she only wanted to go to (number of) places, let's narrow the choices down." As for actual anxiety, if it's in terms of being discouraged, you could remind yourself that it is your job to be a good friend, not your job to make everyone happy? Your responsibility is to make sure the bride, the whole point of this thing, is listened to. If it's for like... how to bring it up at all, I would say go with a big, clear, "YOU NEED TO STOP." It's not fun to hear, but imo, it's even less fun to hear that people found you annoying after the fact. Tell her point blank that the ideas she's suggesting are NOT what the bride wants (this is why it's helpful for the bride to set parameters that everyone can be clear on), and she needs to stop suggesting things that disregard her wishes. If she continues, tell her she's being disrespectful to the bride by putting her own ideas of what is a good time over the bride's. Say if she doesn't stop, the rest of you will have to plan this without her. If it comes to that, make it clear you don't want to (because you all like her and want to include her) but you will if you have to (because this is not about her). It also seems like you do like her ideas for activities? But that she's having way too many of them and wants to have more control over them than she should. I worry whether she's the type to get huffy if, for example, she suggests going out for a super expensive fancy pizza night, and you guys like the idea of pizza but not the rest and just order pizza in... And then she's upset because she like, "owned" the idea of getting pizza at all. Idk if your friend is like that, if she is, that makes things harder.
A rundown of what happened on Friday evening: I sent a message to the planning group (which includes me, Bossy Friend, and another friend), saying I'd spoken to Fiancé and had come up with a plan. Outlined the plan. Invited other ideas/plans. Bossy Friend replied saying my plan didn't 'have the gravitas the situation required' (direct quote, and it made me furious), and said she'd come up with five options when she got home, three of which we could pick to present to Bride. I said that Bride had told me she wanted something 'everyday' and simple. Bossy Friend messaged Bride asking if she 'really wanted her hen party to be an everyday thing'. Bride very diplomatically said yes, and suggested a burlesque show followed by dinner. Bossy Friend assented in single words, then stopped talking to her. Bossy Friend messaged the planning group saying she would hand planning over to us, because she 'isn't good at everyday things'. Then silence. I got some messages from Fiancé, saying Bossy Friend had been messaging him, and asking if she was upset. I said I wasn't sure, because I didn't want to freak him out. He expressed discomfort with how she was acting, and was perplexed that she thought they'd want anything other than a simple thing, knowing what they're like as people. I spoke to the other friend in the planning group, who agreed that Bossy Friend is being out of order and that she needs to be made aware that she can't keep doing this. We're going to sit down with her at some point to have that conversation. Bride messaged me to say she was incredibly upset and felt like crying, because everything had become so difficult. She said she wished she'd never set this thing in motion, and that she felt like 'the happiness Grinch'. I reassured her that Bossy Friend's reaction wasn't her fault. Later that evening Bride messaged all of us saying that her mother was being a pain. We all banded together in outrage about this, which defused the tension a little. Things I'm upset about: 1) Bride went from very happy to despondent in about 24 hours because Bossy Friend has shat all over everything. 2) Bossy Friend totally dismissed my plan straight off and didn't even consider it worthy of being suggested to Bride, despite the fact that I said I'd come up with it after consulting with Fiancé. 3) Bossy Friend implied I was lying about Bride wanting something easier. 4) Bossy Friend implied that Bride's wishes are sub-par because they aren't spectacular enough. I haven't told Bossy Friend any of this yet because I wanted to calm down first, plus I have no idea how to even begin. I don't think Bossy Friend has even considered that she might have upset anyone. I'm also feeling pretty terrible because this happens every time. I try to protect Bride and make sure things turn out for the best, but end up wilting under Bossy Friend's determination. I've never managed to protect her from the fallout, and every time she ends up sad that she's 'disappointed Bossy Friend'. (Note: I realise this sounds like Bride is expecting me to fight her battles for her somewhat, and that isn't really the case. She still puts her point across to Bossy Friend and makes her wishes known. She just doesn't have a very forceful personality and looks to me for support). Replies to people in the next post, because this will turn in to a Wall O' Text otherwise.
@reiyel It seems she has indeed gone down the 'why don't you like the awesome stuff' route :( I think the Bride is just far too nervous about seeming like she's favouring me over anyone else. To the extent that while what you're saying would absolutely make things run smoother, she'd be constantly worrying that she was shutting others out by giving me power. Fiance has done his best to reign in Bossy Friend, but she does the same to him that she does to us: Says she's listening to him, then goes ahead with her own plan anyway. You're right about not letting Bossy Friend get too deep in to her own planning though. We've tried to head it off as quickly as possible. The end result is that Bossy Friend seems to think we've stepped on her straight out of the gate, but there really was no other way. @Avery The parameters thing is an awesome idea, and one I'll implement if Bossy Friend tries to build up the plan to anything bigger than the Bride has suggested. E.g.: Bride wants to have dinner and go to the show, therefore we need to pick ONE restaurant, that caters for all of us, is under X budget, and is near the theatre. You're right about the being a good friend and not catering to everyone thing. I'm trying my best to keep that in the forefront of my mind. My only concern is that I'm not doing a terribly good job of that, because the Bride is horribly upset after the events of Friday night. The actual 'you need to stop' conversation is going to be really tough, I can already tell. She doesn't deal well with being told 'no'. I'm not good at telling people 'no'. Though I will have backup in the form of the other friend involved, who's on my side. Her plans usually are awesome, and the times that it's been appropriate for her to go full steam ahead she comes up with really cool things. I don't think we've ever had a situation where we've done a toned down version of what she's come up with (it's usually all or nothing), but yeah, I could see her reacting that way :( It's just... Yeah. My two most anxiety-making situtions are conflicts and decision making, and this is hitting both of them. I need to be more focused and stronger, for the sake of the Bride, but I'm wavering. The actual talk with Bossy Friend is going to be so difficult for me.
euuuuuuuurgh. :( you poor guys. you should make sure to tell her that most of the time her plans are super awesome and you guys are glad to have them! it's just that this one is about the bride especially. and that while most of the time there's nothing much to criticize in her plans the way she reacts to criticism and refusals is fairly hurtful ( to you especially, citing examples) and was not very cool. :/ like, it's awesome that she can help everyone have fun but she should also slow down to listen to the rest of you sometimes. i hope it goes with minimal frustration and hurt feelings and everyone ends up on the same page. good luck!
