I'm writing this 5 minutes after a (relatively calm) argument with my mom so it might be a bit heated. Maybe it won't be. We'll see. ANYWAYS here's the deal: I've had some anxiety-coupled-with-depression issues, and lately they've mostly gotten better. (yay! recently acquired: the will to live. god is it weird to be able to hate myself w/o wanting to die) Some of these anxieties are connected to learning how to drive, which is a thing that I am currently doing! Slowly. This seems fairly natural to me, as 1) driving is genuinely dangerous and it is not at all far-fetched that I could accidentally hurt someone doing it, 2) I do not trust myself enough to be responsible for other people's lives like that, and 3) when I still was suicidal (past tense omg) it was a fairly frequent intrusive thought that hey.... i could just kinda.... twist the wheel a bit to the left here and BAM problem solved forever. (i mean. that thought still happens. but it's a lot easier to dismiss it when I do not actively want to die.) For a long while I didn't want to learn at all, then I got reluctantly roped into driving with my parents a couple of times, and now that I'm feeling better we're picking up the frequency a bit. (I'm on actual roads! With other cars! Gee) My parents know I've been suicidal, they know I'm not anymore, they know I'm anxious about a shitload of things & used to have frequent panic attacks, but they never really Got It. Today I was not feeling up for driving (my current guess is PMS bc wow emotions all over the place for no apparent reason), so when mom asked if I wanted to go for a while I said no. She insisted, I decided okay... maybe I'm exaggerating... I'll be fine, just gotta THINK POSITIVE so I cheer myself up a bit and off we go. It all feels distinctly Off from the get-go, like waking up on the wrong side of the bed but with driving, I'm... not stressed out precisely but I get upset by tiny things, and annoyed at 90% of everything mom says, I'm less focused than usual, I'm making stupid beginner's mistakes way more often than I usually do, and I stress through things. I make shit decisions. I let my emotions influence everything I do, in the now-I'm-angry-let's-speed-up way which is not ideal when I can't drive particularly well in the first place. My concentration and good sense are both shot to hell. I decide nope, I'm done, let's head back home, mom and I have a heated-but-civil discussion in the car, while I am driving about what the issue here is, and she refuses to even take it into consideration that maybe my driving is suffering bc of my emotional state and just declares we've been doing things that are too high above my skill level (with the implication that we should go somewhere else and keep driving) We keep the discussion going at home (and I'm so angry because she literally refuses to listen to me or even consider that maybe I know how I'm feeling better than she does) and she is increasingly upset by my decision to quit for the day, which I do not understand, because how is it irresponsible of me to recognize that I am being an unsafe driver and removing myself from traffic. How. .......... the actual question here is does anyone have tips for being less anxious about driving? Failing that, how to manage anxiety in connection to driving? I still fear the day I get overwhelmed in a bad situation and fucks something up, what with how it might have actual lethal consequences :( also, am I being an idiot here, am I being unreasonable, is my mother right, am I just grasping for excuses to be a quitter, help i am perfectly willing to acknowledge that the difficulty level might have played into it, and on any other day certainly would have, but I still maintain my stance that if we had done this a week from now, or a week ago, it wouldn't have been too difficult, and I would not have gotten this stressed out, ,,
You're not being an idiot or unreasonable, because anxiety while you're learning to drive is really understandable? And trying to force someone out on the road in a tense emotional state isn't ideal anyways (road rage is super dangerous so there's an example of compromised emotional driving that isn't anxiety) so I really do think your mom was in the wrong to make you go out and then argue with you while you're driving. The fact that you want to learn how to drive sort of proves you're not a quitter imo, and you're allowed to take days off from learning. Now, when it comes to being anxious while driving? The best advice I can give it do it frequently. I was an absolute mess when I first started, but since I was lucky enough to live out in the boonies, I could work myself up beyond the anxiety by driving places where other drivers were nonissues. When you get more confident in yourself (and/or have a licence) night driving is a really good time to do this. If you get on a highway at slow times, that lets you work out speed regulation and how to track other cars without the huge concern of people coming on and off, and highway driving at night is incredibly soothing to me at least. As time goes on, you're going to build automatic response systems to threats, which is good! Even if you're overwhelmed, your body will know what to do and it will protect you and others on the road. But again, that's just something that comes with practice. Ultimately, you made the right call here-- you're still learning, and that's definitely not a time you want to be off your game emotionally.
Seconding everything PR said, and also: I don't know your area, but if there's a path you know pretty well from riding along while others drive (to the grocery store, to school, etc), maybe try driving back and forth along that? In my experience, knowing exactly where you're going frees up a little more "processing space" in your brain to deal with unexpected things. Like small animals running into the road, or a dumbass coming the other way in your lane, or anxiety spikes, or your mother being unreasonable.
Thank you so much to both of you! @PRelations Knowing I'll develop reflexes is really helpful because I haven't been feeling too much of that just yet haha @Loq The roads I know well are usually too full of cars, but I'm starting to get used to the places we HAVE been driving, and so far we're doing 'Parent gives moment-by-moment instructions, I follow them', except for things I seem confident with. there's.... i was supposed to write more here but I got super distracted and now I can't remember what I was thinking at all but ! really, thank you! <3
Third-ing what PR and Loq have already said: you're not being an idiot or unreasonable, and it doesn't sound to me like you're grasping for excuse to quit. It sounds like you went "hey, I'm having a really bad brain day, now is not a good time to get out on the road and add (possibly additional) anxiety into the mix" which is, honestly, a perfectly reasonable response. Maybe prepare scripts for next time, so that if your mom tries to push you into practicing driving (or actually driving) when you're in a headspace where you don't feel like it'd be a good idea for you to be behind the wheel, you have alternatives besides "try to jolly yourself into a better mood and Tough It Out"? Like, "I'm having a bad brain day, I don't feel like I'd be safe behind the wheel right now. We'll see how I feel tomorrow / next week / whenever the next lesson is scheduled to take place." That...feels like your mom had A Plan for how the lesson was supposed to go, and couldn't cope with reality not matching to it. Which does not make how she responded to it okay, and the idea of having a heated argument with someone while the car is being driven gets my hackles up (but I think that's more to do with my own set of brainweasels than anything). And you really were doing the responsible thing, here - road rage is a thing! A documented thing, which causes people to be worse and more dangerous at driving! Being tired makes you worse at driving! (The Mythbusters did an episode on it - turns out, being tired reduces your reaction times to the same as they would be if you were drunk. Being on a cellphone while driving actually makes you worse at driving than if you were drunk, if I'm remembering right.)
Would having someone who isn't a parent teach you make you more or less anxious? On one hand, interacting with strangers is awful. On the other, when you're with your parent, there is a ton of distracting history and emotional stuff. My mom and I eventually got to a point where her anxiety and mine made it impossible for us to do driving practice together. One thing that helps me with anxiety while driving is controlling how much auditory input I'm getting. Not talking about anything not directly related to driving, having music that helps me feel relaxed and focused, etc.
@Vierran More anxious, because I'd feel like I'm wasting their time, and because of the interacting-with-strangers part. (I'm planning on getting some actual lessons from an actual driving school in at some point, but they're expensive, so I'll save it for when I've got the basics down.) In general driving with my parents is alright - driving with dad is great, actually, he sometimes suggests things I don't feel I'm ready for but he's mainly adjusted to my pace, and he always talks super calmly, and explains things when I don't understand. If I could choose I'd only want to drive with dad, but: mom would be so hurt, because this is basically a bonding activity? We don't have many of those. My relation with dad is better in general, no one actually says it but it's fairly obvious both me and my sisters like him better, as much as it hurts me to admit it, because mom is the one who gets angry and shouts. You can have rational discussions with dad. With mom it's only recently I've managed to find my way into debating territory rather than her shouting at me and me crying. @turtleDove mrrrrfdsh she'd notice if I'd prepared what to say in advance, I think, and she definitely wouldn't approve. The issue is partly that she doesn't seem to recognise that bad brain days are actually a thing rather than just an excuse to get out of doing stuff. (and also that 'no I'm not doing this optional thing that you sprung on me just now' is not the same as 'I'm skipping something important and time-sensitive for no apparent reason') Thanks, though <3
Could you arrange things so that your dad mainly teaches you how to drive? If it was established as his responsibility to take you out a few times a week, your mom wouldn't need to get on your case about it. When my mom taught me to drive, she'd drive us to a empty parking lot in a quiet area and then I'd take over from there. Repetition is the key to learning though. Is there a particular aspect of driving that sticks out as being the most stressful? For me it was staying in the lane, I got past that by memorizing where the left divider line should be in relation to the front of the car from my perspective.
Oh gosh. I don't know how old you are, but for the longest time before I got my license at like... 22? I was the same way. I was terrified of driving, the thought of driving a ton of metal speeding around at 60 MPH in some areas was terrifying, as was the thought that I could kill someone so easily and accidentally if I lost control, etc. Really... The only advice I can give you is maybe ask for driving lessons? Specifically I mean, if your parents have the money, ask them to get them for you? In my state at least, having gotten driving lessons also gives a discount on auto insurance, which is good. But really, I was the same way with lessons with my parents-- mum and dad had a tendency to freak out if I wasn't doing it 'right', which in turn stressed me out real bad. Having an instructor behind the wheel with me-- and with a special brake that they could use if things went out of control, as well-- did wonders for my anxiety, really, and they ended up teaching me more than I feel my parents could have taught me. Aside from that, all I can really say is stick with it. Driving is a super important skill to have, and practice builds familiarity with it and will in turn help you not be so afraid. I can empathize especially with the depression part, which manifested in EXTREME road rage and made me hate driving, but once I got diagnosed and got on pills, it's one of my favorite ways to relax. I wish you luck in your driving journey!
@mizushimo That's how we usually start out too! :D There's not really a particular part that's stressful, no, it's more the... general thing. The part where I am in a car and in control of that car x_x Doubles once we go on actual roads, because if I mess up there at best I'm an inconvenience, at worst a hazard. @Leegle Aa, I'm 19. And I mean, I'm far from the only person among my friends who doesn't have a license yet, but I know I SHOULD try my best to learn now cause it'll be a lot harder to find the time to the older I get :I I'm expected to pay for my own driving lessons, if & when I get any. (it's really comforting to hear a source of stress can become a source of comfort with time, though) I don't think I can/am ready to request actual official lessons yet, but I think, maybe, if I ask dad to drive with me as often as I can mom will accept when I say no and I won't have to drive with her as often? Lesser of two evils etc
@Erica I got my license at 18 and I still hate driving, but it does get less awful with practice. There is an important thing you may want to communicate to your parents, which is that driving while upset can be really dangerous. It's gonna happen sometimes that you'll get upset while driving and the best thing that your passenger(s) can do is de-escalate, because that will get you back on the road more safely as fast as possible. It's okay to go slow, you're doing what will help you learn this safely.
I didn't get my license until I was... 22? I also had problems with driving with my mom, who would insist I practice but then get more and more white-knuckled in the passenger seat until she was yelling at me to stop at yellow lights (!) and I was a shaking mess. Then she'd forget she did this and act completely confused why I was crying and defeated. She'd also make helpful suggestions like "do this (wildly gestures)" when I'd be trying to park or some such. I never drive with her any more. :D In my case, lessons and anxiety meds really helped-- the lessons were with a competent instructor, and you can start from zero with them! You don't have to be at a particular skill level. Anxiety meds took the edge off my anxiety as well so I could usefully focus on the potential hazards and dangers on the road instead of inventing new ones, as it were. It also helped me to talk out various maneuvers with the teacher or another friend, my brain would sometimes get caught up in the moment-by-moment instructions from the instructor without actually grasping the general principles at play, e.g. a left turn isn't a terrifying game of frogger that ends when someone yells at you to go, but rather you pull out into the intersection and wait for the intersecting stream of cars to clear.
