okay, so, further explanation: I just pretty much realized that the idea of physically moving in with anyone or marrying anyone makes me feel anxious and physically ill and scared, because of the commitment involved, so apparently I have a fear of commitment. I'm not really sure why or where it came from, but considering I used to feel this way about relationships in general, like, completely afraid of and squicked out by them, maybe I shouldn't be so surprised. anyway, my question is: does anyone have any ideas for handling/sorta fixing a fear of commitment? because this is kind of going to be a hindrance to my relationships if I can't find a solution for it, since my partners both have expectations about moving in with me after college and stuff. so, um...anyone have any ideas? or has anyone dealt with this kind of thing, or anything?
talk about it - with close friends or, even better, a counselor. journal about it. get to the heart of why it scares you. something is at the root of a fear of commitment, and that's the problem you need to deal with. however: moving in with someone never has to be permanent. yes, marriage is typically expected to last as long as you can manage it. but. sometimes even just the reminder to your brain that "no, it doesn't have to be this way literally forever if things go south" can be a help.
I mean, reminding myself things don't have to forever certainly helps a bit, but...there's something about commitment at all in a relationship that freaks me the fuck out. I hadn't considered talking to my therapist about it, though, that might be helpful.
that's fair. commitment can totally be a scary thing. :) you're certainly not alone in that. god, i dated my eventual-husband for seven years, and i can't even count the number of times i had cold feet in there.
yeah, I don't know, there's just something about the idea of commitment that makes me feel physically ill and incredibly scared and anxious. like, marriage is beyond out of the question, but even living with a person I'm in a relationship with is like....woah, too much, take like a hundred steps back. I guess I'm just used to being alone? and I don't want that to go away, which is part of my fear with living with other people. ...at the same time, I grew up in a household with an abusive mom and a dad who didn't leave because he was determined to stick with the woman he married, so maybe long-term commitment to me seems like....a trap?
ohhhh boy. yup that is definitely at least part of the equation, i'd say. that makes total sense. and it absolutely would feed into you wanting/liking/being used to living alone - that's safe, nobody makes decisions for you, nobody keeps you there. i can definitely understand that.
well, at least I have part of it figured out now. I also suspect at least part of this is coming from my SZPD/STPD traits, which basically sit there and scream that people are not to be trusted, and that I don't like them, and why on Earth would I ever want to live with them or commit to them, etc., etc. and yeah....living alone is just how I do things, like it's gotten to the point now where I spend all day alone, never see my parents, and it's okay, because that's safe. I have communication with people via my computer, but no one is physically present to come in and harm me or yell at me or anything. and I get to make my own decisions and do what I want, and it's nice, and it's just...so much better than what I view as 'living with other people'.
i hear you. it makes sense to me that going from that safe place to what seems like a total unknown would be really scary. on the other hand, i presume that you have a better relationship with your partners than your parents did? which means you will probably be able to actually negotiate and hold boundaries with them, and also that they will make better roommates in the first place. also, i presume that they know about your brainweirds - which also helps with boundaries and understanding and stuff. in my experience, living with someone else (someone who is a good fit with you, relationship-wise), is much like living on your own - there is some negotiation of household stuff, but ... my mother once described a good partner as "the guardian of your solitude". they want you to be in a good place, too.
yeah, I do have a much better relationship with my partners than my parents had. so...boundaries probably wouldn't be too much of an issue, I guess. and it would honestly be nice to be able to live with them, I think, if I could get over this. like, I've contemplated living with them before and liked the idea, but then today I considered it actually happening and I just...couldn't deal. it scared the heck out of me, because suddenly I have to go from being alone and never hassled to a place where there are people and they might yell and come in my room without permission and do the things my parents used to do and it just. freaks me out to think about dealing with that again. but they do know about my brainweirds, and my parents, and everything, so...they'd probably be pretty understanding about my boundaries, I guess. I hadn't really considered that. that's....an interesting term. but I like it. and I guess it's true? they do want me to be in a good place, so.
maybe it might help your brain to write down the stuff you're afraid of them (or anyone else you live with) doing? and then you can give it to them and say "hey can you promise me that you won't do these things", and maybe even get it in writing. and since they know about the brainweirds and the parents, i don't think they'd have an issue with it. i don't know them - BUT if they're your partners they're probably pretty cool. :) though, it's probably a good idea to sit down together and have a serious chat about how living together will work. like, in some people's families, it's totally normal to keep doors open and walk in on people and say hi. whereas people from other families would have a shitfit about that. and person A will be totally clueless as to why person B is having said shitfit, because they just literally have no clue. so even some basic rules like "okay let's always knock before entering at the very least" might be a good ground rule. i dunno. but at least then nobody's going in blind.
hmmmm. it would probably help me some to write down the stuff I'm afraid of people who live with me doing and be like "can you please promise to not do these things". the only thing I'm concerned about is that it might get a little nitpicky if I let it, so I'd have to be careful about that--like, "knock before you enter, please" is reasonable, but "knock and only come in if I say it's okay and only once a day and only if you have a serious question and..." might be a little ridiculous, but I just...worry a lot about my space being disrespected and stuff and about not having enough alone time. that would probably have to be a separate discussion, though. but yeah, I could definitely write a little list and be like "please do not do these things". they'd probably be pretty cool about it because they're both super chill and understanding of all my various issues. it is probably a good idea to have some kind of talk like that, though. like, I know for me, it's typical to keep the door closed and have people knock before entering, but I have no idea what it's like at either of their houses, so a conversation about basic rules and stuff would probably be good, so that way people understand where certain boundaries lie and stuff.
