disclosure: i am not particularly interested in dating anyone. it sounds exhausting and time-consuming and unappealing, and besides that, i've had feelings for the same person for upwards of two years. THAT SAID: it really, really bothers me that i have never been asked out on a date. i mean. i've been approached by people. i've had people imply (through actions and words) that they want to have sex with me. i occasionally get asked for my number. my point is that it's probably not a matter of me being some kind of ogre. it's just that people straight up do not get crushes on me if they've known me for any extended period of time. is it possible to to have such a personality that people just don't see you in a romantic light after they get to know you? i'm aware that i'm a bit weird, but i know plenty of weird people who are in relationships. is there an extra special type of weird that makes people lose all interest in asking you out to grab coffee or see a movie? okay. i guess what i'm asking is not so much "what am i doing wrong" as it is "what are other people doing right"? is there a point of no return in new acquaintanceships where the relationship either turns permanently platonic or becomes romantic? how do people know? this is a social thing i never learned, and i want to know: do other people know what they're doing? how do you get into a relationship? is it something you do on purpose, or do they just.... happen?
I've speculated about this. If it is the case that this is possible, then I'd reckon that it's something I have as well. Certainly don't have any advice or further insight, but I'll keep an eye on this thread I think
People are so varied across the world that I hesitate to make any sweeping statements, but...speaking as someone weird and less conventionally attractive, sometimes it's just a matter of finding a weird that meshes with your own. In my entire life, I've always been the person to ask out others, and I was rejected a LOT. Or I'd develop crushes on people who just couldn't see me in a romantic light, even if they wanted to. And in my experience, 9 times out of 10, the problem is with the other person. It might seem like they're rejecting who you are as a person, but there could be a dozen reasons why they can't flip that switch, and that doesn't mean you're some undateable untouchable. Some people go out specifically looking for relationships, and they'll join dating sites or go to the usual hook up places, or ask their friends to set them up with someone. Sometimes it helps when the setting is understood to be romantic at the start. But as for me, I found the love of my life by accident, on an anime forum we both frequented. Because we shared the same hobbies, we talked, and god knows neither of us expected to start a long distance online romance, but it happened. After awhile I realized I was thinking about him all the time, daydreaming about what it would be like for us to meet, talking to him online and on the phone every night...and I realized that I wanted him romantically. It was a fast but gradual shift. I don't think anyone really knows what they're doing, because people are complicated, and even if you think you've figured out one rule, that rule might change based on arbitrary shit you have no way of knowing beforehand. It doesn't at all mean something's wrong with you.
Are you future me? :P Because that reads a lot like my dating life so far. Even as far as the crushes on people who couldn't see me in a romantic light. I think attraction is just something that happens. You can't control it, and most of the time it's certainly not something you can understand. I wish I could, that would make life so very much easier.
Exactly! And everyone has different stuff that they're attracted too, that give that necessary chemistry. I would be too intimidating for one person, but not adventurous enough for another, or my dark sense of humor would finally mesh with someone only to learn I wasn't feminine enough for them. Or I was too smart, or not smart enough, ect ect ect. There are so many people in the world, beyond comprehension, and just because you've had what actually turns out to be a small handful of people not want you that way, it doesn't mean you're not loveable or attractive.
[slides into this thread also asking for reassurance as it is a major contributing factor to my depression?]
gonna bring this thread back for the purpose of airing some... idk, confusion? curiosity? i am starting to wonder if maybe i am not wired in a standard romantic way!! i have been and am in love, as far as i can tell. i have deep feelings for one of my best friends, and having described the feelings to one of my definitely-romantically-capable friends, i can safely say that the feelings are romantic in nature. (she's so beautiful, and i love making her laugh, and having her attention and approval makes me so so happy, and every time she says out loud that i'm important to her i feel like fireworks are going off inside me, and i want to tell everyone about her all the time, i cannot shut up about how much i love her) however!! i do not think i want to date her. i would like for us to be closer, maybe? to talk more about things that are important to us? i just. cannot imagine what i could possibly want from her besides what i get from friendship! maybe slightly more physical closeness? but she is not a touchy person, and neither am i, except with very particular people (incidentally and slightly ironically, her brother-in-law is one of the very few people i am touchy with)! i guess..... if i had to describe what my ideal relationship would be, i would say low-effort, lots of space, lots of emotional intimacy (talkin bout feelings and shit), casual physical closeness, and i'd be totally cool with it if they wanted to date someone else in a more traditional way because i'm not sure that i'm up for Real Dating and i am also not sure that i experience jealousy in the same way that other people do! i'm not even sure that what i'm describing could be called 'dating'!! I Am Confusion so like. ask the audience: what the heck are meatspace relationships supposed to look like? whats the difference between a close, intimate friendship and a Relationship
uh well for me it's like... I would say that it's like friendship but with smooching and more snuggling but uh that's a thing that's happened in one of my definitely-not-Relationship friendships so... I guess when both people involved say that it's a Relationship? idk this was probably not helpful at all.
Speaking as at least one of the people mentioned above, I am in several relationships and haven't the foggiest. Sometimes I legitimately get the dokis for someone but that's pretty rare, most of the time it's just a combination of desire to be close physically and emotionally. I don't have a good distinction because most of the distinction I draw is just "do we want to label this a relationship y/n?" If drawing lines between friendships and relationships helps you then go for it, but it's by no means required!
