So I've been wondering about a thing I've been experiencing lately. I thought I knew what intrusive thoughts felt like. You know, the usual "random thought that freaks you out and you try to calm down and think about something else until it goes away"? Well, every so often I think a thing that doesn't... seem like an intrusive thought, like it doesn't freak me out when I have it and it somehow makes sense for me to have it... at least until I'm some distance away from the situation and I feel like "what the hell was I thinking?" Stuff like, "I'm really glad I feel so awful today, because now I get to relate to my friends who feel awful all the time! I wish I felt even worse!" (which was the original one that prompted me to do this thing) or another one that I've realized I had: "Hey, you know, that dog that's a pain in the ass to take care of (and he's not even your dog even though your dad loves him and well you love him too I guess), he's gonna die soon, so you can be glad about that!" (I've had this one with 2 dogs, a cat, and 3 people already, so that's... not good. Even though it doesn't feel "not-good" in the moment.) Is this a well-known thing? Should I be calling these something else?
Hmm, well, it could be an intrusive thought! For me, intrusive thoughts are like my brain going, "Oh, you find this thing upsetting? WELL LET'S SCREAM IT AT YOU CONSTANTLY!!!" So I mean, are the thoughts not congruent with the way you really think about things? When you are having the thoughts, are you aware on some level that what you are thinking is irrational or not something you would think usually? It defs does seem like some kind of bad brains thing though, but I can't say if it's intrusive thoughts for sure.
I think the definition of 'intrusive thought' is somewhat vague, so this might be just another kind of intrusive thought. But I also think that as human beings we sometimes think very nasty shit that we don't really mean, and won't ever act on, and that's more or less normal, especially in difficult situations when your brain is a mess. For example, I wouldn't call my suicidal and homicidal ideation 'intrusive thoughts' because they don't seem 'intrusive', they don't feel separate from me. It's just stuff I think in the heat of the moment, and then I calm down and I stop thinking it. Oh, I remember that one time when we finally cleaned up some parts of my grandma's flat because bugs nested into her hoarded stuff, I thought 'cleaning like this feels nice and cathartic, we'll have so much fun overhauling the whole apartment once she's dead.' Which is not a good thing to think. What I'm trying to say is that thinking and feeling genuinely awful things doesn't make you bad, even if it's not 'intrusive', even if it's you thinking it.
Okay that thing about your grandma sounds EXACTLY like the kind of thought I mean. So yeah, thanks, that's really helpful. I'm still wondering if they should maybe get an actual name. Because they aren't... "normal". In a sense. Does that make sense?
