BF's Friend Makes Brain Go "URK" (TWs: Suicide, Self-harm, Substance abuse) (UPDATE!)

This happened a while ago, but it's now become a serious matter and I need some help.

I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. I've met a good deal of his (adoptive) family, and a few of his friends. There's one friend, that I'll call J for now, that, well, doesn't gel with my brain very well, to the point where this has now caused a strain on my relationship with BF.

For context, J and BF met when BF started work at his current place of employment. Soon, he met J's family, and not at a more opportune time, given his home situation was, well, less than healthy. He's able to get out of his home and move in with J's family, a situation far more stable than the shenanigans at home. So safe to say, J has changed BF's life for the better in ways that I can't even begin to comprehend.

The first time I got to spend time with J and J's now ex girlfriend, he made some seemingly misogynist jokes that I really did not appreciate. He reiterated that he was joking. I informed him that the mere existence of a joke does not the requirement to laugh make, in very strong, but polite terms. ...I had to tell him this at least three times. He told me to get a sense of humor not long afterward. Already off to a wonderful start.

All the while, we've been on our way to a frozen yogurt place. Once we arrive, things start to settle down a bit, until someone I care about informs me that they intend to harm themselves. BF and I excuse ourselves when it's clear I'm about to lose it. Once I've got myself mostly composed, we go back inside to finish our yogurt. J tries to make a joke to lighten things once he's made abreast of the circumstances, but BF tells him to stop.

On the drive home, J keeps trying to ask if things are okay, and keeps trying to pry, when it's been made clear to him that the matter is private, and this is after I've given him the gist of the situation without betraying any personal details.

Once we drop J and his now-ex off at their car, BF and I drive back to his then place, and I'm able to decompress from the situation.

Since then, I've seen J at family dinners, but short of a greeting nod, we exchange no words.

Also since then, J has taken to inviting himself over BF's house to hang out with him on nights that BF and I have happened to schedule something to do. Every single time up to now, I've wound up ducking out of the night's plans so that BF and J can hang out. As a result, J now thinks I hate him, which is frankly untrue.

Here's my deal about friends and SOs, which is relevant to the situation:

There's a friend of mine who is dating someone who couldn't hate my guts anymore if she tried, I'll call her E, and she has made it clear that she wants me gone from his life, despite his tepid attempts to stop her from doing so. As a result of this, this friend and I have become a bit more distant. In light of this, I swore to do the opposite of how E treated me, and welcome my SO's friends, once I got an SO to speak of. And now I do.

I don't hate J. I really don't. I hardly know him, and while his first impression was anything but stellar, first impressions ultimately have meant little in the long run. Tell that to my brain, though.

So, today is the perfect storm of Nope.

I found out late last night that E made an attempt on her life through substances; this is not E's first attempt, and the last time she tried, she made a long diatribe blaming me for it, without having the nerve to actually name me. Fortunately, E is currently receiving treatment, but the thought of a possible witch hunt on me is still close to mind; the last instance, I caught a little Hell from tangential people that already thought less of me for the previous bullshit with E, but generally I suffered no social blowback from it.

I wake up today and send a txt to BF, as him and I were set to watch his favorite movie tonight, something he's been wanting to do for a while. So what does he ask? "Can J come hang with us tonight?"

So...yeah. I promised BF, and I can't keep pushing J away forever (I even suggested the idea of the three of us going somewhere as an ice breaker, which I still want to do) but my brain is in a state of "no J today," which is unfair to J and unfair to BF. And because of my aforementioned philosophy of treating the friends of a significant other, you can add fears of a break-up to the mix.

What do?

 

Tell him that right now is not the right time for you to try not pushing J away, because you are really not feeling up to anyone but your boyfriend's company. It's not unfair of you to want your plans for date night to stay the same. It seems like J has been rudely butting in on your date night a lot, and I think you're well within your rights to tell your boyfriend that just this once you would like your plans to stay the same, and not change because of J.

 

Something to keep in mind though is that while you want to be the opposite of E, that doesn't mean that you need to put yourself second to a SO's friends. These things don't work without compromise, and when it comes to existing plans between you and your BF to hang out, hanging out with you should be the priority. It really isn't fair for him to just allow his friend to constantly butt in on your time together, and you absolutely have a right to say 'I just want it to be me and you.' In general the idea should be that sure he can ask if maybe it could be a group thing, and sometimes you can say that that is fine, but you also can just say you don't want to. The important thing is to talk about it and reach a decision together about it.

I really think if you sat down with him or called him up and said something along the lines of 'I want to spend time alone with you more often, it feels like you prioritize your time with J more than time with me. Him just coming over when you and I have plans together is rude, and makes me feel like I need to leave while making J feel like I hate him. I don't hate him, and I'd like to break the ice with him better sometime, but we should make separate plans for that. When we make plans together I'm open to talk about it if you want to invite him along, but sometimes I'm going to just want it to be you and me. And tonight I really just need it to be us because I'm having a rough time.' he will probably understand?

And honestly if he doesn't accept that and continues to allow his friend to tag along on all his dates with you, he's being incredibly rude and disrespectful to you also. If he doesn't prioritize you ever, at all, over his friend, then that isn't fair treatment of you and it's not something you should just feel like you have to deal with. I know you want him to have friends and not feel like he has to spend time with you all the time, but the time split should at least be 50/50.

 

Fortunately, this has a happy ending.

Ultimately, J didn't show up, as BF told him "Yeah dude, I had prior plans tonight." But BF will see J tomorrow (Friday) for a biweekly tabletop session. He was actually pretty forceful in telling J "Seriously, I made these arrangements a while ago."

BF and I had a wonderful night tonight, full of Scott Pilgrim, Sonic slushes, and having dinner with his folks.