Blackhole does therapy or whatever

(Originally titled "Got accepted for therapy, however...")

Hey, so, it's been a pretty interesting few months for me. I spent the last part of 2015 and most of January feeling pretty hellish. Back at the start of November, due to urging from my parents and, well, pretty much everyone else I talked to, I went to my GP about my various issues and was then evaluated and recommended for CBT. I was told I'd probably have to wait a few months before there was space for me.

So, now I've just got the phone call confirming that that's come through, and my first appointment is on Thursday. I would be very happy about this, and certainly would be if this was happening a month ago, however, over the past roughly three weeks or so I've actually improved a lot. A lot of it has likely been down to the reassurances this site has given me, to be honest (y'all are pretty great), but I'm in a position where I think I'm probably en route to getting over the things that have been weighing on me these past several months, at least for now. This is fairly standard, I... guess I tend to go through cycles with these things. I definitely still don't exactly feel normal per-se, but, hmm. I feel slightly worried about what I'm actually going to say when I get into the room and talk to an actual doctor, "oh, oops, I'm actually feeling better than I was now?" My parents say that I should definitely go anyway and talk about what has been happening, even if it doesn't all apply now, but it still worries me. I don't want to feel like a time-waster. This isn't the first time this has happened, either. When I first started having problems when I was 12/13 I was on a waiting list for about seven months, and by the time my appointment came through I was feeling fine again. That time I cancelled - I don't want to do that this time - but idk. Not entirely sure what to do. It's sort of fucked up but a part of me wishes my issues were more severe again so I didn't feel like I'd be wasting people's time. (I do also feel that occasionally when I feel like, I don't know, if my problems were more overt I'd be excused from having to bear with them so much, which makes me feel really guilty, because people all over the world are struggling to feel better and I wish myself more ill? Like what the fuck). Also, I'm full of self doubt, because if I'm really ill, shouldn't I be as ill as always, all the time? Whenever I feel better it makes me feel like before I was just making it all up, and that feels shitty, because I've put myself and others through so much shit over my issues. Urgh.

Any thoughts or advice?

 

Your parents have the right idea. Feeling better can be deceptive - it's easy to feel like that since you're better now, you surely don't need treatment! Except the bad times from how you described them don't sound like the kind of bad times that will for-sure stay away.

Bad brain stuff tends to come in cycles, in my experience. When you're feeling better is actually a great time to get evaluation and treatment, because you have more energy and brainpower to follow through on what you need to do. If you get in the habit of doing what you need to to keep your mind healthy when you're healthy, it's much easier to maintain than starting treatment when you're at your sickest.

Think of it like maintenance on a car. It's good to do routine maintenance to keep the car consistently working well, especially if you know your car is prone to particular sorts of problems, rather than wait for something to fail dramatically and possibly break other parts in the process.

 

This is a pretty common thing!

It's not a waste of time to go to therapy even if you're not feeling like shit at this particular moment. You've recognized that this goes in cycles for you and this isn't the first time it's happened. And it's great that you're feeling better. That means you can use this period of better feelings and clearer thinking to try to figure out why this is happening and if there's something that can be done so it doesn't knock you flat in the future. Your therapist, if they're any good, will help you with that. Good luck!

 

This is A+ advice. Just because you're not feeling bad right now doesn't mean therapy's not useful, especially when it's not a situational issue (like, you had a shitty-ass boss but you've switched jobs now so it's not an issue anymore).

If it helps, think of it like asthma. One can have a super bad asthma attack one day and be fine another day, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't get help for it.

Also I honestly believe that self-doubt and "what if I'm just faking" are characteristic of brainweird, and you should tell your therapist about it. In fact, that's the sort of distorted thinking that CBT can help with.

 

Well, my appointment's today so we'll see how this goes I guess.

 

Good luck!

 

Well, that was interesting. For somebody who's pretty reticent usually I spent a lot of time exhausting verbal diarrhea about things. We discussed the merits of questionnaires and then the therapist mainly asked questions until the last ten minutes when she launched into this analogy about a builder holding up a wall which was a metaphor for the framework of how it's all going to work or w/e.

It was pretty okay I guess. Also, given the frequency with which people keep handing me forms which say "OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER CRITERIA QUESTIONNAIRE" then I think me having some variation on OCD is pretty much a given at this point, albeit probably pure-O because I don't have any overt compulsions...

Edit: You know what, I think I'm just going to use this as a dump thread to talk about my various experiences with what's going on and all - could a modmin possibly move it to Brains?

 

Today we drew spider diagrams and I was asked more and more questions. Man, this is stressful, I don't usually talk about this stuff, ever. It felt like information was being wrenched from my reluctant brain. I literally got a headache

 

I'm having more and more doubts about this whole thing. Worried my therapist is pursuing the wrong line of enquiry, which of course would be entirely my fault.

It's also so stressful like damn

 

Why do you think that you're looking at the wrong thing?

And remember, you can always ask your therapist why they're addressing a particular thing, or tell them that there's something you think is a bigger priority.

 

Spoiler: Spoilered because I literally regret ever typing this

You know what, at this point I wonder whether all the mental weirdness I've been experiencing over the past... well, entirety of my life, but like, I'm wondering whether half of this stuff has even been real, or whether it's layer upon layer of my own black wish fulfillment grounding itself in reality and giving me as hard a time as possible on my own behalf. It seems like even if nothing were the matter I would go out of the way to find something to be the matter, as though something fundamental buried deep down inside my subconscious can't feel truly happy or fulfilled or somehow justified in its own existence unless I'm actively going out of my way to make there be a problem, it makes no sense... I feel like I'm locked into this endless spiral of self-destruction, like every action I take to alleviate some of this bottled up negative self dissatisfaction somehow just creates even more of a problem, everything seems like a good idea at the time but then reality serves me up a big plate of "no" with "fuck this" sides and for some reason all I know how to do is keep eating. I say this as I come out of yet another night of feeling like my brain has been hotwired across several of its most important lobes because somehow I thought swallowing a fuckton of psychedelic drugs would somehow ease off that bad mojo, like oh boy, will I ever learn

Jesus what the fuck is even wrong with me I'm a fucking A-class idiot

 

Spoiler: Spoilered because I literally regret ever typing this

Realtalk my real problem is probably that I'm so fucking covered in privilege that I need to find some way to feel hard done by so that I can fit in or feel like I'm worth something or what the fuck ever so I make problems like I'm a child rampaging around my own tantrum pit and making it other people's problem.

Sometimes I quite literally disgust myself, both in that I am fucking disgusting and wrt the lengths to which I will go to excuse and absolve myself of all this shitty behaviour that I am applying to my fucking self, what even is my problem, I'm locked in to some ever-cascading whirlpool of mixed realities and doubts which constitutes the sum of (that which I am sorry to call) my life.

 

Spoiler: Spoilered because I literally regret ever typing this

I'm a spoiled brat who doesn't know when to stop and while I should be thanking my lucky stars that I don't have to deal with some of the real world heavy shit that you guys have to deal with and yet at the same time I'm going out of my way whether consciously or not to make there be a real problem for myself that's starting to actually fucking come close

What the fuck is my damage like am I a triple A piece of shit or what

 

Spoiler: Spoilered because I literally regret ever typing this

Christ looking back at it this whole mini shitshow rant is embarrassing as fuck, nonetheless I'll leave it here so that the carrion fowl can pick over it after they're done with my inevitable future corpse it can be witnessed I guess, and so I can look back later and figure out what the fuck was going on

 

Spoiler: Spoilered because I literally regret ever typing this

And light as well intentioned as I'm sure she is my therapist wouldn't be any help at all with any of this she'd just be like "ah I see that there are perhaps consistent patterns in the structure of your thoughts" and go and draw a bunch of flow diagrams to try and rationalize through big primary school bubbles the roaring shitstorm that is being inside my brain, like yeah, wow, how does that apply to me being in the situation lady, sheesh

I wouldn't bring any of this up with her anyhow, it smacks too much of doubt and if we ventured too deeply into that then she might begin to realise the extent to which I have wasted her time with this pantomime I seem to be putting on for the world and myself included, i.e. she might figure out that I'm probably not even mentally ill I'm literally just an asshole

 

Spoiler: Spoilered because I literally regret ever typing this

Why the fuck am I posting this like I think part of me wants validation even though any sane person would see that none of this pain I make for myself is actually valid because it's all fake as shit anyway

Listen look honestly I haven't slept in a good 30 hours, my brain is jammed fast on awake by the fact that I'm still not settled back to normal cognition after stumbling around vomiting out my window last night, I'm probably coming off like a gibbering fool but GOD I'M SICK OF HAVING TO KEEP ALL OF THIS LOCKED UP INSIDE OF ME, I'M TIRED OF CONCEALING AND LYING AND DANCING STEPS AROUND EVERY PERSON IN MY LIFE, I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING FUCKING AFRAID OF...? SOMETHING!!!!!! Yikes sorry that sort of all slipped out there wow I'm properly just raving aren't I I should probably shut up

 

Spoiler: Spoilered because I literally regret ever typing this

Can the next person to stumble unwittingly into this thread flag down a moderator to blockdelete all of this awful horseshit I've spewed out onto the internet over the past half hour like crikey

There's not even like an ironic self-deprecatory quip I can make about all this to make it okay and retain my social modesty, I've just gone and spread myself for all the world to see the grimy innards of my self-destruction, and the only reason I haven't deleted all of this yet is because I know that this is conceivably the only way that any of this will ever get said (with the exception of it being said to me, inside my head, in circles, repeatedly)

And honestly, I literally feel so much better now? Like good now finally I'll be able to sit nicely for the next few hours while I wait for this to all calm itself down

 

Witnessed, and that all sounds real as shit. A thought :

That "something" sounds like mental illness bro. I'm glad you feel better after typing it up.

Also perhaps bring up that you're having trouble relating to diagrams with your therapist? She likely knows a few ways to communicate these ideas and trying something new might help you get more practical use from your sessions.

 

Honestly that sounds like some sort of brainweird. Like, even if it's not a mental illness, it's some kind of maladaptive behaviour that needs help.

Second in @Ducks re: telling the therapist the diagrams don't work for you. There's multiple ways of tackling a problem.

 

Honestly everything about being in those therapy sessions makes me so uncomfortable, it's something that I couldn't quite put my finger on before but I realize it's... the weird quality of the entire dynamic, like, she'll be there all calm and inviting in her manner of speech but it feels so unnatural, like its a mask and not like I'm talking to an actual real person. It's this crazy sense that I could literally say anything at all and she'd barely react except make some notes maybe or slightly alter her internal agenda of how do approach my treatment. And I really don't want to stray too far from the path she's already guiding me on because like that's presented as the Right Thing(tm) to do in the situation by this voice of authority, and I feel like I have to pursue that so as to prove to this woman that I'm not actually insane, and I guess it really stunts the dialogue. I mean I'm still as honest as I can be but I feel like I'm not doing myself justice.

Then again, I frequently fail to do myself justice because I literally am unable to tell what's rightly the up and down of any situation I'm in (such as, e.g., whether or not anything I'm actually experiencing with regards to this is real).

Edit: I guess what I'm saying is, being treated as a patient and not a person weirds the hell out of me. For all she tries to invite me to open up it's always slightly too clinical and something in my social analysis lobe or what-the-hell-ever trips up on that and stops me from making a real connection