So after I sort of tearfully vented a whole bunch in my therapy session we seem to have come to the conclusion that I was sort of unconsciously sabotaging things because being told 'here are ways to think' is too similar to the 'well just do the thing anyway'/'everyone does that' sort of comments that I have a kneejerk 'fuck you and fuck your mother' reaction to, and also for a couple other reasons And that I need to put my big boy panties on and make some decisions about where I want my life to go rather than swimming around in a pool of inertia and attention-seeking This is true enough but I m having, uh, trouble with a few things that my dumb-brain has latched on to as a reason not to actually, you know, put my big boy panties on. 1) my brain thinks that this revelation entirely negates all my other problems (like the still-new-enough-the-shine-hasn't-worn-off-yet ASD diagnosis, the depression etc) and that everyone who ever told me I just had to pull my socks up and work harder was 100% right and the only reason I haven't yet was because I am stupid and lazy 2) it's also firmly telling me that the fact that at least some of the reason I'm self-sabotaging is because I have identified 'be mentally ill' as 'delicious attention source', means I am a narcissist on par with all the narcissists on the ITA forum. 3) mental illness imposter syndrome. again. not crazy, just lazy. So, idk, I guess I would like a) people's thoughts on the matter and b) folks to share possible ways to beat self-sabotaging brains into submission for my and anyone else's use. Therapist has said we will move away from CBT-ish thought altering exercises to more concrete efforts to help me make decisions and such, which made me cry again and repeat 'yes please' over and over again because ??, but I... I don't want to be that person who never gets better and ruins everyone's life because of it. I don't, i really really don't.
One of the things that really help brain self-sabotaging is reframing. Sadly, it usually isn't the first reframe that you hear that is close enough to your beliefs so you can utalize it(things that are too far away, true or not, are easy for your brain to deny). For example, I used to be a habitual apologizer. I knew that it was unnecessary, and that other people didn't do it and I didn't think less of them for not apologizing, so why should I? But it didn't stick. My brain came up with too many counter examples and excuses. I finally found a reframe that puts my apologizing nature into an action that is disrespectful and untrusting of others(I can elaborate if desired), and that works for my brain. My apologizing has significantly decreased and I have done it enough now that I rarely have to remind myself of the reframe. It wasn't the first, nor my second attempt. Similarly, the whole "put on your big boy panties" thing people tell you is them shoving their reframe in your face and demanding it should work for you. Spoiler: it usually doesn't. So, a reframe you can try(because I don't know what works for you)is to think about putting on new/different big boy panties. There are many different kinds and the official brand people have been yelling at you to try aren't working. If it doesn't work, fix it. Try something new. In general, I would find out what things matterto you the most(positive or negative) and use those as a starting point for reframing. Me personally, I have a lot of social anxiety thay makes me feel like I take up too much space or I am annoying. I use that against myself to get mantras or reframes I can use. So I think that might be a good starting point(and again, it may not work for you, but it's a pair of panties you can try on and see if they work).
I've got something kind of similar going on, and I've talked about it a little with my therapist (though not a ton because I've only had a few appointments with her so far). With me it's more like part of me is looking for an excuse to blame all my problems on so I don't have to work to fix them, because in the short run that's easier. And it's really easy to say "I can't do this thing because my adhd won't let me" and, whenever someone tries to offer a solution, respond "but no, because brain." And the "delicious attention source" thing is a thing for me too. I really, really want it Acknowledged that I have hella executive dysfunction and that makes it really hard to do things, to the point where I (semi)intentionally don't do things (or don't try very hard to get them done) so I can blame the failure on my brain and point to it as an example. I try to approach it with a mix of compassion and sternness. Because looking at myself objectively, I can see that that is indeed kind of a lazy habit of thinking, but I can also sympathize with myself, the same way I would with someone else if they told me that they had this problem. Basically, I've tried to think of it as a little kid in my brain. They're upset, they have little-kid problems and they want attention, and that's ok and perfectly valid to want. But they shouldn't be running the show. So I soothe the little kid as best I can and try to work around them until they settle down. Success is somewhat limited because the little kid isn't my only hindrance to getting shit done, but it can help. I'm both a little bit crazy and a little bit lazy, and I try to accept that and focus on solving what parts of that combination I can in any given situation. This sounds like it might be more along the lines of the CBT stuff you said didn't work for you, though, and I haven't built up much in the way of concrete strategies yet either (that's one of my main goals with my therapist). Because really, the most that all of that stuff I said above has done for me so far is keep me in a holding pattern. If you want I can come back and comment with anything that works for me? Also sorry if any of this doesn't make sense, i am very sleep deprived right now. (the sleepdep is probably also the reason why i posted this comment instead of continuing to lurk, lol. #nofilter)
Haha wow like over a week later I manage to reply to this. Cough. @rorleuaisen Thank you, I really do I think need to find reframes that work for me. The frames other people present to me tend to make me feel trapped and panicky because they're all things like 'well you won't have any money' and 'you won't be able to carry on like this'. I'm hoping that I'll be able to reframe things around what I want, because recently I've realised I want to move out VERY EXTREMELY BADLY. So if I frame it in terms of taking steps towards doing that for me and not for the sake of other people who think i ought to be ~using my potential~... @adisagestar Haha are you me? You sound very much like me. xP I'm pretty sure I share a lot of your motivations to Not Quite Try Hard Enough. And it's sort of understandable, because if you've been told 'you're just not trying hard enough' all your life once you do find out you have legit problems that make life hard it's so tempting to push it in their faces and go 'SEE I CAN'T DO THINGS AND YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THIS NOW HAR HAR'. But it's not useful in the long run, is it. Even if it is satisfying. =T A holding pattern is good enough for me atm! xD If you want to share practical coping mechanisms later though I would absolutely be interested. Also don't worry, heh, you made perfect sense. =P
