My brain is being a shit right now - I feel all antsy but wildly unmotivated and can't focus. So let's do this! Things I am diagnosed with and medicated for: depression (18/25 glasgow scale before meds, 4/25 glasgow scale now) anxiety (7/25 glasgow before meds, 4/25 now) Things I am worried about: Spoiler: PTSD Like, I pretty much definitely have PTSD. A PTSD symptom checklist is mostly a checklist of things that are currently or have in the past been a problem for me. I have had PTSD since I was 6 years old. It's not officially diagnosed, though? Like, I know it's there. Pretty incontrovertibly. But I am kind of hung up about diagnosis, because it'd involve so much effort, and also talking to people about what happened. And I don't want to talk to people about what happened! I wrote a thing about it once because I was in a multi-round writing contest and people kept trying to do Poignant Memoir and falling flat and so I decided to make everyone involved cry because I'm a spiteful asshole and also like winning. But I'd rather not talk about it. Also, the treatment is antidepressants, which I'm already one, and talk therapy, which meh, I know I should do? But I'm going to be moving next year for school, and transport would be an issue, and it just . . . seems like a waste of time. Like, it's been 21 years. I am very self-aware. I am aware that spending two days dissociating after a particular medical thing is a bad thing, but I also . . . have read all of the advice stuff? Idk. I know it'd help eventually, but unpacking everything would make me a mess. Spoiler: Bipolar My (abusive, narcissistic) mom has bipolar, and used to taunt me when I was a kid with the idea that I'd grow up to be just like her. And, like, I have hypomanic episodes sometimes? But they've never really been an issue, and I trend more towards depression, and I'm already on a non-SSRI antidepressant that works to keep me mostly level. So idk what the point of pursuing diagnosis would even be, or even if I could be diagnosed with it. Like, I mean, probably? When I wasn't medicated I'd have really predictable mixed states every few months where I'd just be made of rage and crying for three days. I would just go work in a coffee shop and not talk to people and try not to take my moods out on them. Spoiler: Narcissism problems Like, i'm way too functional to actually be diagnosed? I am now a more or less functional adult, and realized that to get attention in a new fandom the best thing to do would be to run an exchange, because prosocial activity that contributes to community is one of the better ways to get attention. And, like, I can't massively regret what a narcissistic teenager I was, because there are two pretty awesome people alive in large part because of stuff I did then and ways I treated people. But I'm kind of worried that narcissistic tendencies will mean I will tunnel-vision on stuff. Like, most relevantly, I lurk around the advice subforums, and I try to keep a watch on it, but I'm worried that I will be more prone to proposing solutions in which I can be directly involved as opposed to looking for the actual best solutions. And that feels like a problem. But idek how much of a chance this is, because my tools for assessment about this are wildly broken. I don't even know what I want out of this thread. Writing stuff down did make some of the antsiness dissipate sort of. But now I'm gonna go do a bunch of work because that feels like it'll do a better job maybe.
Hahaha, so I might have been going to Interbike but probably not and am in kind of a tailspin from being in limbo and overwork and my dad guilting me about something unrelated. PLUS fun times a resurgence of all my most stupid coping mechanisms.
