So I had sudden mood break again and was up sobbing all night over stuff which has no logical reason to bother me. Death anxiety, specifically; rationally, I know I'm nowhere near dying, and I can reel off any number of rational reasons that the possibilities are nothing to be afraid of, but it set off anyway. And I got that under control, but I'm still miserable, because is this going to be my life forever? Just carrying on normally until suddenly I get whacked with uncontrollable emotional agony again and again and again until eventually it becomes too much? My family's had three suicides in four generations. I can't be the fourth in the fifth. And the depression/anxiety is part of the reason I'm unemployable, so there's less to distract me and I feel even more worthless. I came out of a fancy private school thinking I was going to use that education and prove all the shithead bullies wrong and be on top of the world and now I'm going to be on disability my whole life because I can't predict what my stupid brain's going to do one day to another and no employer wants someone who can't be a shiny happy doll? I just... I don't know. I know I'm overreacting. I know I have dealt with this up to now and I can continue. I just want to know how to accept that I have to deal with this in a way which doesn't make me feel even worse.
Holy shit, no one has replied to this? I can't imagine it isn't sufficiently relatable. Maybe it's just that it's a really hard question. I guess in my own experience, trying to ignore it or distract myself hasn't worked too well. It's been a lot more helpful to specifically set aside time and space to grieve. It hurts so much to try to confront a loss like that, of the future you thought you'd have, of that life and the person you thought would be living it. I've found it's more bearable and productive to suffer through it on purpose on my own schedule as much as possible. I do feel like acceptance is possible at the end. As much as it's a cliche, I've found that it gets better with time. I hope it will be the same for you. Good luck with everything. It sucks that it has to be so difficult.
Yeah, thanks. I'm doing... kinda better now? I have my Prince's Trust thing going on, and with luck that'll come through and I can start a business of my own in late January. I'm scared in case it doesn't work. I only get one shot with them and I don't wanna be on disability with nothing to do forever. I'm still scared one day my depressive periods are going to be too much for me and there's nothing I can do because they happen pretty much like clockwork every year and the SAD-preventing bulbs didn't help. Right at this moment I want to be alive, but I can't be certain I will tomorrow, and it's really hard to keep remembering that the times I do want to be alive are worth it.
Oh man, SAD is fucking terrible. It's usually enough for me to take vitamin D3 supplements, which I have to do anyway regardless of season because I don't go outside. I think my mom and sister both have to raise their antidepressants in the fall though, and it still doesn't seem like it's quite enough.
I don't know if it even is SAD. It doesn't come quite at the same time every year, just round about autumn, and I always thought it was because of the school year.
