My brain is noping out of doing anything so here's a bulleted list because they make me happy. I've always had trouble with procrastination and time management and I'm basically incapable of telling how long something will take This has not been a problem until now because I could get my minuscule amount of homework done in the morning or what have you. Big projects always screwed me over though. Now, with college and scholarships on tope of homework, my procrastination game is too strong and I'm pulling Bs instead of As because I can neither remember nor find the will to complete things. I'm talking staring at the papers for hours on end trying to figure out how I'm going to start. I have tried to find any number of explanations and have basically settled on ASD or executive dysfunction. As I find new information on either of these things, I share them with my mom as evidence. She refers to them as hurdles I need to work through, which I agree with, until she repeats it a dozen times and gets into "buckle down, do your work, and stop making excuses." Mom is getting annoyed at my constant info dumping and is convinced that I'm not trying at all. I think trying would be easier if I had any idea what to do. Just do it? I'm trying? I mean it looks exactly like doing nothing but uuuhhh... And I AM jotting down my assignments, I just don't rub it in her face because it feels patronizing when she says nice job and gives me a high five, like something you would do for a child but I don't think that's her intent. I might be a bit oversensitive at this point. My trust in my mom's ability to judge the severity of what I'm going through plummeted after learning that I'm not out of shape and having anxiety attacks when I run, I have fucking asthma. "Work through the pain" indeed. Anyway, that's a source of bias on my part. My mom's ability to trust my own ability to judge the severity of my experiences was worn down long ago by a certain little hypochondriac drama queen whose nickname rhymes with toupee (that's me.) I can't figure out where the downplay ends and the up-play begins. I can't figure out which came first: the lack of functioning or the depression. Mom says I'm just whining about my symptoms and doing nothing to fix them and I want to communicate to her that I feel like she doesn't believe me and has done very little to help me beyond "use reminders and work harder." Mom says that she forgets things too and she gets depressed too and has been as low as me still managed to function. She also says that her entire side of the family has ASD characteristics and I'm not abnormal. It's been getting really annoying because she'll point out a quirk in another family member (usually the same few quirks over and over?? but also some non-sequiturs) and be like "and thats one of our family's autism characteristics" and I feel kind of... insulted? Anyway I want to make it clear that I would like some sort of formal evaluation because "here are my symptoms, I want to find treatment" isn't getting the message across and everyone is getting frustrated. I'm scared to bring up formal evaluation tho because I'm sure my parents will just brush me off again. I really fucking wish I could accurately gage myself and my thoughts. So uh yeah this has been my vent/plea for thoughts and suggestions yet-a-fucking-gain. I feel pathetic and like I am just whining instead of doing anything.
I posted this after having an argument with my mom. Tried to bring it up again, more calmly and she busts out this passive-aggressive "I'm wrong" and then this happened: Her: "Congratulations. You got me back." Me: "What?" Her: "You pissed me off." Me: "That wasn't my goal." Her: "I know you. Maybe it wasn't a conscious goal but it was your intent." I'm legitimately not sure if it was now. I mean, she has known me my whole life soooo...
There is weirdness going on here. I mean, i can point to both of you starting by assuming bad faith when the other talks, thats fucking you guys up, but theres also some other kind of talking past each other that reads as weird and unhealthy here. Like, shes talking to you like her equal, not her kid? Yeah, your kid is gonna piss you off, whatever their age, but as the parent you kinda deal with it? Idk.
I'm a bit confused why the way she speaks to me is an issue (re "like an equal") and can you elaborate on it being weird and unhealthy? Legitimate question btw not rhetorical, but if you can't that's alright. And yeah, starting in bad faith is an excellent way to describe it.
That's totally reasonable venting; you're not being pathetic, that objectively sucks. My parents do the same "I'm weird in similar ways and I can handle it, so clearly you're just being silly" thing, totally misgauging the severity of brainweirds because they're basing it on their own experience instead of yours. For what it's worth, yeah, you sound spergy and depressed to me. I'm... not sure if this is the best advice, so please say something if this is silly, folks. But honestly, I would tone down the infodumping at your mother a lot, and try to get a counselor as soon as you get to college. It seems like she's frustrated by your infodumping, because she doesn't see it having a practical, tangible effect, so it seems to her like you're wasting your time. She's basically reading "I've been reading about what could be going on with my brain" the same way that she would read "I'm getting back to work in a minute, I'm just taking a break" - she thinks it's fine in small quantities, but what really matter are tangible results, and if she doesn't see tangible results, clearly that "wasted time" is the culprit. This is not true, it's definitely useful to figure out how your brain works. Your mom is wrong about this. However, since it sounds like you don't have access to a psychologist or counselor yet, you might be ruminating about it more than is really helpful, because you're not sure if what diagnosis fits, so you keep reading and looking for evidence and theorizing. (This is totally normal and not hypochondriacy, by the way; pretty much everybody does the fretful self-diagnosis before they actually get to a psych person.) You don't need a solid diagnosis to find strategies that work, and right now, if you're not in a crisis, trying out strategies might be more helpful than getting a diagnosis. You should be able to see a counselor as soon as you get to college, without needing your mom's permission or knowledge. By 'a crisis', I mean, if you're suicidal, physically hurting yourself, you're so miserable you can't stand it, or your grades are much worse than they used to be, you should probably see a counselor sooner rather than later, because those things are objectively very bad. It also seems like your mom may not like being used as a sounding board, because she feels like it's childish, and perhaps because it's emotionally draining. As a small child, people usually have only their parents to serve as emotional supports. As kids grow up, it's expected that they'll find other mentors and peers. People still rely on their parents, but not just their parents. So if she feels like she's your only emotional support, she may be trying to get you to talk to and rely on other people. This may or may not be possible right now, but I suspect that's part of the reason she's being so unhelpful. I would suggest that you search the internet and ask the forum for strategies to handle depression, autistic overload, and maybe ADHD.[*] (Some of the ADHD coping mechanisms might be helpful because you're not remembering to do things, and ADHD does that too. Not sure if that's likely for you, from what you've said; depression brainfog and overload can do similar stuff, I think.) Then, you can show your mom the strategies you're using to try to get things done, and since that's tangible, I think she's likely to react better. And hopefully, get more done. * I'll see if I can braindump on this later, but I suspect other folks have better advice on this stuff, I'm mostly just fumbling through.
I dont know exactly, and certainly as you become an adult this is less te case but just... Theres a power structure there. Like, a parent is supposed to be better at dealing with their emotions and have more resources for dealing with shit, and expecting your kid to be just as good at it as you or treating them like they should have your same level of shit-together-ness is just kind of ... Not how it works? Like, you're probably close to fifty if your kid is in college, maybe you should man up and be the adult in these situations. Idk, albedo's advice is probably more useful, its just kinda. Ugh, i dont know. Like shes making it your job to take carr of her emotions instead of being responsible for them herself, and thats hella backwards.
No, I totally agree with you. It's parents' job to take care of their kids and to give them the resources and support they need to become functional, independent adults. Sure sounds like she's not doing a good job here. :\
(thank you both btw you really helped) @albedo that sounds like great advice i do actually see a therapist, had an appointment today in fact. she said the same thing about not needing a diagnosis to get strategies, so hey, right on the money there x) (today was actually the first time i told her a lot of this so uuuh that might be why she wasnt much help in the matter heeheh u_u;) your thing on "she thinks wasted time is the culprit" i suspect is right on. i doodled a comic to explain it to my therapist b/c words failed, i think its pretty funny imho as for grades, i just got a low D on a report card and the lowest ive ever gotten before that was an 88%. the class was gym, and i was absent for classes. the teacher is kinda weird and handles absences in a way i wasnt used to. still, dropped the ball on that one. i just forgot to go in and she didnt remind me or mention anything so i really dont think that counts as crisis (her not reminding me isnt an excuse, im legally an adult, im expected to remember on my own and i understand that). @Lissiel ive played mom to her a few times when she started having an anxiety attack out of nowhere. i get its backwards but, like, i dont wanna just sit there and watch her cry. and i dont think shes just not giving me resources on purpose, shes honestly giving me the best advice i think she knows how to give, shes just fed up with me and strung out over Family Drama + Family Crisis + my kid is going to college and its EXPENSIVE 3x happen combo
@cantankerousAquarius That's awesome; it sounded like your mom was going to really fight you on the need for a therapist. :) And I think you're right, that doesn't sound like a crisis, it sounds like a one-time issue; no worries on that. What I was concerned about was like, 'suddenly, my grades are so low that I'm afraid I might not be able to get into college', which would obviously be Not Good. Definitely ask the therapist for strategies, then; they can be pretty simple to implement, and if you hit on ones that work for you, they can help a lot. A lot of them are also likely to be tangible things that your mom can see, which seems likely to help with her. For instance, I've found that keeping a daily list of "Stuff I Did Today" really helps me get things done despite depression and overload. Having a running to-do list gives me anxiety more than it helps, because 'oh god, I was going to get this done today and I failed again, I'm terrible, I never want to look at this list againnnnn'. But having a long list of "Stuff I Did" gives me an objective way to see that I really did do things, and I'm not worthless. And the act of putting things on that list makes me happy, which makes me more likely to do things just so I can have the satisfaction of a long list. And then if anybody doubts I was getting things done, I can go NO, I DID THINGS, LOOK AT MY LIST. This doesn't work for everybody, but it works great for me. These are basically ways to hack and short-circuit your brain, so some will work for you, and some won't; there's sadly no panacea for Brain Stuff. If something doesn't seem to be working, definitely don't feel bad about stopping and trying something else.
