long story short, i just got in some pretty hot water with two of my friends (who will be referred to as R and S for ease) because sometimes I get frustrated by them and I wanted to vent, so I went and shared some chat logs with a third friend, F, who isn't a friend of R and S. And then F shared my chat logs with a group consisting of unknown members (R and S wouldn't tell me who all said what, or what was said specifically, so I can't get many details) but likely consisting of another person, C, who has... lately shown herself to be a pretty nasty person. But R and S don't seem to notice C's nastiness, and have only really bonded with C over their mutual hatred of ANOTHER person, Z. I know this because F had told me in the past that, previously, C absolutely hated R and S as well. So it seems like C went and shared this apparently nasty conversation that was had, without me being there, but using my words to F--and as far as I can tell, C's entire purpose for doing this is to discredit F and try to make it so no one trusts her. And the thing is, I'm pretty sure it worked, at least in R and S's eyes, because they hate information sharing and F has a habit of sharing everything with everyone. SO now my brain's tying itself up in knots trying to figure out what to do/say/think in regards to this situation. Because if you go the route C, R, and S want, then a lot of things turn into "he said/she said/they said" sort of things, which I HATE because that's like a giant game of telephone and information tends to get massively warped. I prefer to give exact words and let the words do their own talking. But on the other hand, there is a point of like... private conversations being kept private unless they're going to hurt someone else? and I know I'm guilty of not keeping private conversations private BECAUSE I don't want to devolve into "he/she/they said" and I can't get mad at F for doing basically what I did in the first place so, like. Is there a protocol? Is there some sort of boundary I should be aware of that I'm not? (I do have issues with boundaries) I just. I don't know what to think and I don't know how to make a middle ground here and I feel like I screwed up but I don't know
I don't know that there's a general protocol, and more importantly, there's lots of different protocols, most of which have exceptions, and different people often have wildly different expectations. It seems to me that F sorta screwed up, because in general it's your call to share your own chats, at least potentially, but other people's should probably involve some kind of permission or discussion. That said, I would also be sort of unhappy with R and S, because people who hate information sharing are usually people who habitually lie, in my experience.
@seebs That's sort of my opinion too, re: people who hate info sharing... and the fact that when they confronted me, R and S refused to give me specifics even when I asked didn't help things. It felt a lot like I was being accused of things I didn't do, but I couldn't say anything in rebuttal because I didn't know what had been said, and I couldn't remember what I myself said with the information given. And I distinctly got the impression that C had been warping my words. The thing is, I'm pretty close with R. She frustrates me but I do like and care about her. But S? S legit scares me. So much of what he does reminds me of my mom and pings my deception senses, and I don't know if those senses are true... Sigh. But... that might be a good rule of thumb to use. Maybe I could ask F to ask before sharing convos. R and S kind of made me promise to not share their conversations again in the future, so I doubt it'll be a problem again, but... yeah. Also starting to wonder if I should have put this in the imported drama section idk
F can't keep secrets and you probably should have known that, so to that degree you made a mistake. However, I'm inclined to agree with Seebs that people who want all conversations kept secret from others are not to be trusted and not to be allowed close; the #1 reason for that is that they want to present different faces and different truths to different people, and never want anyone to compare stories. Not in all cases; sometimes it's a defense mechanism after being hurt. But it's not healthy. I follow the rule that unless it's been explicitly told to me "don't share this thing", I will share it with people I know well and trust. If I feel like doing so. And I will not take a blanket ban on it. Some subject matter I assume is off limits by default; e.g. intimate details of sex life (because bigots and judgmental people), and things that are obviously venting that will be misinterpreted if shared.
