I know this is nothing new for veterans of invisible disabilities, but it feels like if I went out and told people that I'm really anxious and depressed, and have been this way my entire life, nobody would actually believe me. Because I've gotten this reaction before. Actually, I get it all the time. People think I'm so chill and carefree because I am an optimist and kind of passive about everything. I feel like that's one of the reasons why I've made it this long, you know? Just being a happy, optimistic person when I can. Trying not to let everything bother me like it does other people. But right now everything feels like bullshitland. I'm actively avoiding things I used to like to dick around on flash games. Eating like crap and not really caring. Not taking good care of myself in general. For the first time I actually don't have a particular goal in mind once I graduate college and I'm seriously doubting my choices and thinking I screwed myself over for life. Going to go live with my other parent set (my parents divorced and both remarried) and they are a much healthier environment so I thought it would be a good idea. But then I remember they are southern baptists so that means at least another year in the closet which I would be okay with but recently relationships feel important. I am in my mid 20's and have never had a single date. Mostly because I never pet myself out there. But now it suddenly feels like it's something I've gotta do, and I'm stuck not only not wanting to out myself just yet and still feeling like I'm just not worth it and anyone I like is gonna end up repulsed anyways. There are things that I want to do in the future but it feels pointless to start. Because eventually I'm going to lose interest, and I'm going to end up giving up. Like I enjoy the ideas of things and not actually doing them. Logically I know I'm not alone and there are people out there who get what I'm feeling, but at the same time that there's nobody out there who get's me.
(I really don't know what 'putting yourself out ther' even means, but...) It sucks you have to stay closeted :( but on the topic of the dating thing I generally never saw the necessity of doing anything special to find a partner. If you like someone and they like you back stuff just kinda starts falling into place, I guess. That being said, do your parents have to know you are going out and where specifically you are going? Idk if you can just claim to be staying over at a friend's and then go to a LGBT+ club or bar or whatever with said friend instead? Or whereever it is people actually go to meet people to date, idk (I'm sorry I'm not much help. Idk if you even want help?) In the meantime cuddle with a pet and think happy thoughts and have an e-hug if you wanna?
"putting yourself out there" means like... actively seeking dates. Flirting with people you think are cute, being receptive to people flirting with you. At least that what I think it means, since I was a teenager people have been like "you just gotta put yourself out there!". and I appreciate your reply. I really do. I feel a lot better this morning. I think bottling up those feelings made things worse. I mean, it's not a cure for depression or anything (I mean I slept in for several hours, nothing is really interesting and the future still looks like bullshitland) but I was able to get up and have a breakfast that wasn't just "crackers because fuck it" and might actually get some spring cleaning done today.
I was doing good for a couple of days, but now I'm back to feeling like crap. I don't even know where this is coming from but it's just like... feeling like noting is ever going to be okay, and I'm a terrible person. Maybe it's because the weather is nice. For some ass-backwards reason my depression get's worse in the summer. Like, it's always at a "moderate" level but in the summer it's like "stare at the fridge for half an hour because you don't know what to eat because cognitive issues and sleep over 12 hours a day because hypersomnia" bad. I don't know, I feel like I just need someone to say that not keeping up with my friends and hobbies doesn't mean I am a bad person and that things are going to be okay.
My brother is like that, actually. We have both agreed that that is a pretty lame way for the brain to act. But, if you don't have the spoons to deal with people and things, then you don't have the spoons, and that's okay. Doing lists (oh god I'm a list pusher i am so sorry) helps me when I can't do stuff, or process having to do stuff. And if you don't have any current goals, maybe you could attempt making a few up. But no matter what you do, it's okay, because your brain is kind of sucky right now, and at some point you will come back up. (prolonged metaphor time: it's like you're in a boat with a hole in it in the middle of a storm. When the storm stops, you can actually fix the boat and work on other things, but until the storm stops, your biggest job is to keep bailing out water. If that works as a metaphor. Or at all.)
Progress report: still depressed but did things besides eat and sleep even though I wasn't really feeling up for it. I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me. I am just feeling so irrationally annoyed that the end of the semester is coming on and the pressure is on to do my final projects and study for tests not to mention the stress of transferring and just... why do things have to be happening right now. I feel so bad for my dog. I've barely played with her lately and I am getting short tempered with her and usually even when my depression is bad I feel like I can care for my pets and be a good pet mom. But I've been pretty garbage to her lately even if I don't outright abuse and neglect her she deserves to run around and play and not have me yell at her for barking at squirrels. and I get so angry but there is nowhere for that anger to go except back at myself? I know it's really unhealthy but literally all of my other healthier ways of venting my anger have been taken away from me. Draw on myself? parents paranoid that the ink will absorb in my skin and poison me or something. Punch some pillows or my bed, toss around some clothes? (aka a violent reaction that doesn't hurt anyone or break anything?) brother bitches about me "acting like a 3 year old". Talking about what bothering me? I just get dismissed as being irrational and/or selfish. You know, standard issue treatment for moody women. (don't worry about me because I am not suicidal and I havn't hurt myself in a long time, just gonna listen to some punk music and try to forget how much I hate myself right now)
Angry music certainly helps me in the right state. "Depressing" music actually cheers me up. It's a good instinct.
They make one feel less alone, I think. I don't think that it helps everyone with depression but there's a certain fairly common type that it does.
hmmm, maybe. I think for me it's that when I'm depressed, sad things feel comforting. More real, I guess. Overly saccharine things feel fake and annoying.
UPDATE: (though idk how many people are reading this) I am slowly chipping away are my responsibilities and making plans so they aren't so overwhelming and that makes me feel a little better. Today was a good day so I hope I can keep this ball rolling for... I dunno, at least a couple more days!
Do what you can; it's actually kinda neat to think of doing all you can as doing the most you can do, even when canning (can-ing?) gets hard. You're giving it all you have. And ride that horse as far as it takes you. Good days brighten everything for at least a little bit.
I'm so angry I overheard my dad talking to my step-mom on the phone and she was bitching about how my dad didn't "try hard enough" to convince me to go to a state school. What I do with my life is none of her fucking business. I know out of state tuition is expensive but people transfer out of state all the time! I deserve to make my own decisions in life even if she thinks they are shitty. I already doubt myself enough as it is. For once in my life I'd like to make a choice dictated by my own desires instead of fear. In this moment I legitimately hate the woman (and it takes a lot to get me to hate someone). She's such a neurotic, pessimistic control freak.
But for real driving gives me legitimate panic attacks but I just want to hop in a car and drive cross country while blasting the Mountain Goats and never talk to anyone I know or have known again like:
