AvPD = Avoidant Personality Disorder Uh okay, so probably the answer is, "Idk man, ask a therapist," but like. On the tumbles, a person I follow was reblogging a lot of stuff about AvPD, and I related to all of it. And I mulled it over for a few weeks and read a lot of stuff about AvPD, and then I posted a thing on my own tumble being like, "Uh??? I maybe have this???" and two of my followers were very nice and talked to me about it bc they actually are diagnosed with it. One of them is a mod on this blog, and a thing is mentioned a lot on that blog is the difference between AvPD and social anxiety. And a thing that was noted is people with AvPD don't necessarily have trouble talking to a cashier, or having a friendly conversation with classmates, but it's close interpersonal relationships that freak them out and make them close off. And that's basically me. I can talk to random strangers, but as soon as a friend starts getting to the point where I have to start opening up and being My True Self to advance the friendship, I freak out and disengage like fuck because ahaha wow, no one ever likes the real me, you will hate me and reject me just like everyone else, I am not letting that happen, goodbye. So I have friends, but... They are my uni friends. We hang out at uni, do assignments together, go and get lunch and talk about nothing important together. None of them actually know my interests, a few know I have autism but not many, none of them actually know me. They know the me I present to the world, the me I mould into what is most pleasant and palatable and least likely to be hated. Only Bird, and two other friends get to see My True Self. Because I've felt safe enough around them to do that. They've seen Real Me and haven't freaked out, but shown me their real selves in return. They've initiated contact after I revealed things about myself, and wanted to talk to me and see me again. They accepted me. A think I read about with AvPD is the concept of "safe people", people who you don't feel like you have to avoid. Bird and my two friends are my safe people. I even feel like I have to wear somewhat of a mask around my family. I also feel less scared around kids? I like teaching because I can be fun and silly with my class, and it's good! But as soon as I encounter other teachers, my, "Oh shit, people are judging me," senses kick into full swing. Teenagers, too. Kids? Not scared of kids. Adults? *screams* I don't mean I try to have adult-like friendships with kids. There's still that power imbalance, and I'm definitely in a guardianship role when I'm teaching or tutoring or babysitting, but I feel less scared because a kid judging me is not going to hurt me. A kid might think I'm weird, but they don't have the social capital to hurt me with that thought. Teenagers and adults do, I guess. Anyway, uh. This is a checklist compiled from the DSM-5. I'm going to answer it here I guess and get some feedback??? Bluh. Section I Must check TWO or more of the following: I have identity issues, which include low self-esteem. I find myself unappealing or inferior to others. YES. I know everyone else is better than me. I know I don't really deserve to exist. How other people put up with my existence is honestly a mystery to me. I set unrealistic standards for myself, and I am reluctant to pursue any of my goals or take personal risks or engage in new activities which involve interpersonal contact. Ahahahahaha yeah. I have to be perfect and morally pure and commit myself only to helping other people or I am Trash. I do not except the same of others because I know that's dumb and unrealistic, and yet. I am empathic, although I focus more on negative feelings which are directed at me. I am sensitive to criticism and rejection. Yup. I am reluctant to get too close to people and maintain a distance to keep people from knowing me too well. YUP. 4 / 4 ??? Section II Must check TWO or more of the following: I have cognition problems and difficulty perceiving myself, other people, and events. I have no fucking idea what this looks like or means, so ??? I have affectivity problems and difficulty controlling the range and intensity of my emotional responses. I guess??? I mean I'm autistic so I have janky emotional responses anyway. Sometimes I feel nothing when I should feel something, and sometimes I cry and am horribly upset because I stepped on a flower. I have problems with interpersonal functioning and being aware of my own actions and feelings. YES. But again, autism? I have reminders on my phone to check in with my feelings bc I never actually notice how I feel unless it's an extreme emotion. I also tend to do things and be like, "Why am I doing this??? When did I start doing this??? ?????????" I have difficulty controlling my impulses. I mean, I have ADHD, so yeah??? ??? Too much co-morbidity to tell / 4 Section III Must check THREE or more of the following, one of which MUST be the first one listed: I experience intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, and panic in reaction to social situations. I worry about the negative effects experiences, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself. See: Why I hardly ever go out I detach myself from social contacts and don’t initiate anything in order to avoid embarrassing myself or ruining the relationship. See: Why I hardly ever go out I find myself unable to fully enjoy myself or properly engage in experiences which should make me happy. It’s hard for me to take interest in things. Not really? I avoid intimacy and getting too close to people (romantic relationships, friendships etc.). YEP. 3 / 4 Section IV Must check FOUR or more of the following: I avoid activities with involve significant interpersonal contact because of my fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection. A lot of the time, I guess? I’m pretty unwilling to get involved with people unless I’m certain they’re going to like me. YEP. I hold back in personal relationships because I’m afraid of being shamed or ridiculed. YEP. I’m preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations. Somewhat. I feel uncomfortable in new interpersonal situations because of my feelings of inadequacy. YEP. I see myself as socially inept, unappealing, or inferior to others. HELL YEP. I’m reluctant to take personal risks or engage in new activities because I may embarrass myself. Yes. 5 to 7 idk / 7 Section V Must check ALL of the following: My symptoms impair my personality and social functioning ???? My symptoms are consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations. Yes My symptoms have lasted a while and started in early adulthood or earlier. Yes. My symptoms are not caused by medication, drug use, or another medical condition. Nope? At this point, if you have checked the minimum, you may qualify for a diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder. The next section is a compiled list of symptoms, behaviors, thought patterns, etc. often found in avoidant patients. If you did NOT meet the minimum but relate to many of the symptoms listed, check out General Anxiety DisorderandSocial Anxiety Disorder. If you feel you related to some of the symptoms, but feel many of your symptoms weren’t listed, tryPost-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. If you cleared Sections II and V but still did not meet the minimum, look into other personality disorders. Other disorders that are commonly diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder include depression, bipolar, and anxiety disorders, especiallysocial anxiety disorder. Section VI Common symptoms and behaviors associated: I feel like group settings are easier than one-on-one conversations because there is less attention focused on me. YES I panic so much when a friend wants to meet with just us. Like no, I need other people because then I don't have to talk all the time and can hide on my phone. Unless it's my safe people, then it's fine. I have no idea how to take compliments. I just say thanks, so nah. In fact, compliments can often make me nervous because then I feel like I have to meet an expectation, and I am confident I will fail. Nah, compliments mean I Have Approval. I often avoid opportunities which could be good for me because I am afraid of failing. Yes. I have phone anxiety. Noooot really? Sometimes I can take a long time to reply to people because I’m afraid my response will be criticized. Yes. I avoid initiating contact with people as much as I can. Yes. I hate being the one to make plans. I’d much rather someone else make plans, and I’ll just go along with them. (Or maybe I’ll avoid them too.) YES. I made plans for friends to come to my house this weekend, and then I freaked out and cancelled it because oh god I have to entertain people and if I want to be left alone I can't just kick them out oh my god. I tend to delete posts because I become afraid of what other people will think of them. Yes. I hate being angry or sad or expressing any form of negative emotion in front of other people. YES. I’m so afraid of asking for help, even when I desperately need it. Often. I find I am often unable to go to work/school or to find a job/apply for school because I worry a job/school would be too critical of me. Noooot really? I am bad at picking up on cues like flirting or other forms of positive expression. Again: Autism. I cannot tell flirting at all. I really look up to some of the people in my life because I truly feel they are better people than I am. I mean I think everyone is better people than me. I fantasize about idealized relationships with other people. Yes. 10-11 bc co-morbidity??? / 15 So, uh. What do you think??? Again, should see a therapist about this, I know. I also have OCD, so I mean, idk if all this is just a horrid conglomeration of my autism, ADHD, and fucked up emotional problems from constant childhood bullying, being an undiagnosed autistic ADHDer with dyscalculia, and having teachers constantly tell me I was stupid and having parents who were awful at recognising my issues while telling me how smart I was coalescing into me having a fucked up brain. ??? Help???
Not a psych, don't afaik have AvPD myself, but from what I've gathered personality disorders are essentially messed-up coping mechanisms (or at least start out that way?). So based off that, "idk if all this is just a horrid conglomeration of [various conditions/personal history]" doesn't necessarily eliminate AvPD and may in fact be its root for you.
@budgie That is a good point. I know I spent most of my childhood hating myself and wishing I knew how to make people like me, which uh. Is gonna fuck up your brain, so it would make sense if that was causing it, yes.
that... yikes, all of that sounds real familiar. all of it. i have three 'safe people' and all of them i can pretty unconditionally trust not to be judgmental of me; beyond that, the only friendships i can really maintain are the ones that survive sudden radio silences for weeks or months due to me panicking, or the ones i can sort of sidle up to and then sidle away from again. i feel like my self-esteem is mostly pretty good, and i can interact with people on a casual level just fine and enjoy it thoroughly, but the longer i spend around people the more loudly my brain goes 'hey hey hEY HEY HEY YOU'RE STUPID AND GROSS AND RUDE AND LEECHY AND AN UNOBSERVANT ATTENTION WHORE AND YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG AND THEY'RE CATCHING ON THAT YOU'RE TOTALLY AN ASSHOLE' and sooner or later i end up bailing and not being able to talk to them ever again guh. if that's similar to your experience at all i am so sorry, it sucks fuckin ass
This is uh. Basically how I friendship. Which leads to. "Hey bestie! I haven't spoken to you for like 2 months, but we are still bffls! Wait... What do you mean we're no longer besties?! What do you mean maintenance of contact is necessary to maintain friendships?!" HELLO, IT'S ME. *looks at my brain* Thanks, we needed more bullshit happening here. Thanks brain =| But it is useful to hear what someone with AvPD says, so thank you!
OH MAN AND ANOTHER THING, is it an AVPD thing to like. really really really enjoy helping/complimenting other people? like, there's those posts that are like 'if you compliment me i guarantee i will be thinking about it all day,' and that's basically me but the opposite? i think it has to do with normally feeling like my presence makes things even subtly unpleasant for the people around me, and when i can actually measurably make something even a little better for someone else i just '!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT A SCAB ON HUMANITY YESSSS' might just be me, but that seems like it would make sense in regard to AVPD
I have no idea if it's an AvPD thing, but SAME??? It's like, I have to justify/make up for my horrible existence by helping others as much as possible. It's like making up for a debt; I am scum who should not exist and just takes up resources, but since I am here, I can at least try and help other people to make up for it. It sounds like possibly a thing that would fit, since seeing yourself as inept or inadequate is an AvPD thing.
GUESS WHO'S GETTING ASSESSED FOR THIS TOMORROW??? IT ME. GUESS WHOSE PARENTS DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT LMAO I still don't know what I'm going to say about how I'll be leaving the house early. Maybe I'm having breakfast with a friend. Yes.
Thank you! I'm actually taking part in a study on the development and presentation of AvPD, and the researcher's going to give me all the results of the tests and stuff and is going to write up a report, so I'm basically getting a free assessment in return for helping her research. I'M STILL NERVOUS
So guess who qualifies for having AvPD??? This strapping young fungus right here. But the psych said she thinks I can get better!!!
