So basically, a little history into my current and past diagnoses: my first hospitalization resulted in a diagnosis of Major Depression Disorder - NOS and Borderline Personality Disorder. Later in Australia I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia and General Anxiety Disorder along with BPD and Major Depression. While in Australia I had untreated/undiagnosed PTSD and I experienced my first psychotic break(s) which were attributed to trauma and I was denied having schizophrenia, although my GP at the time prescribed me anti-psychotic medicine with that diagnosis for insurance reasons so my meds would be covered by the government. This year I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, so I no longer have Major Depression as a diagnosis nor do I have the Psychotic Disorder NOS that I was given during one of my hospitalizations here in the US. So my current tab is this: Schizoaffective Disorder - RO, Major Depression Disorder with Psychotic Features (maybe), PTSD, and BPD. I also have a Seebs diagnosis of autism and have suspected I was on the spectrum when I sperged on abnormal psychology text books and DSM and research articles and online articles and online tests on what autism was and how it looked like. I feel like a walking textbook of someone on the spectrum for autism. I also think I DO have schizoaffective disorder and that the doctors at the hospital weren't listening to me, so the whole Major Depression with Psychotic Features just doesn't make sense. I won't get into that, but yeah. So there's all my diagnoses. But I'm wondering if I'm having OCD tendencies. I can't tell if it's my autism or anxiety or if it's something else that I should bring up in therapy and with my psychiatrist? Basically here are my symptoms and concerns as to why I think I have OCD: > while driving I constantly check to see if my lights are turned on. I do this every 10-15 minutes of driving, sometimes more. Especially if I see a car without it's lights on, then I HAVE to check my own lights. > I need the house to be clean clean clean and tidy. But not like spotless, we're not talking like Matchstick Men here, but I do need messes to be cleaned. If I cave and clean after my roommates I do spend quite a while trying to get it to my level of cleanliness, sometimes I wonder if it's excessive > I like things being lined up just the perfect way. Things need to be put away in the RIGHT SPOTS. So for example, I'm always lining up things on the bathroom counter even if the bottle of aftershave or comb is slightly not in it's "spot" a few inches or turned the wrong way etc. > I have intrusive thoughts of harming myself all the time even though I have no reason to be suicidal > I have intrusive thoughts of wanting to harm others even though I am not angry nor have any reason to harm them. This is usually random thoughts like running people over while driving. > drawers, cupboards, doors must always be closed all the way. All the way. They can't be just a little ajar. Dear God, they must be CLOSED. This has been a thing since I was a small kid. > When I lived in Australia and other places I have always kept books and DVDs alphabetized. Recently I haven't had the spoons to organize and alphabetize my bookshelves currently, but it is quickly becoming a priority on my to do list for when I have the spoons. Is this OCD?
(I have OCD, for what it's worth) The thing that's pinging me as most OCD are the intrusive thoughts, but I'm under the impression those can come from other things. It's possible that you do have it. Let me describe one of my things: Everytime I walked into one room I had to touch the hanging part of the light switch. Had to. If I didn't my heart would start pounding, I'd feel sick - just this mounting sense of deathly dread. I had to walk under it multiple times and keep touching it each time to calm myself again. Is that how it feels for you if you don't do a ritual?
I've never tried to /not/ do a ritual for fear of having a meltdown. And when I say meltdown, I mean feeling like the world is ending and I'm about to die... so I think, yes?
That indicates that it may be OCD. Because the most telling thing IMO isn't just someone wanting things a certain way, it's a person who can't have things any other day. If I looked at the clock and didn't add up all the numbers, I felt like my chest was collapsing. If I didn't touch the light cord, it felt like there were bones under my skin trying to go all over. If I didn't confess, we would all die. That's the feeling I associate with OCD.
