Don't know whether you're right or wrong? Scream insults at yourself!

So here is a weird thing I just realized. When I have the specific flavor of freakout that is "I am evil and should die," it's generally because I don't know if I am right or wrong. Actually becoming fully convinced that I am wrong makes me less evil in my brain's eyes, strangely enough.

Examples:
-During my biggest freakout around a year ago, I didn't know whether my friends were right to suspect me of a thing I didn't do or whether I was right to get upset at them for it.
-When I got kicked out of my dorm for freaking out at myself, I didn't know whether I had actually wrecked my dormmate's pots or whether I had only used my own.
-When I misgendered my friend, I didn't know if it was a minor thing like he kept saying and like my intuition said or an evil horrible thing like Tumblr kept saying.
-When I got mad at myself in Luka's CAA thread, I didn't know whether I was right to stand up against BPD stereotypes or whether I was being overly hostile and reading things wrong.

Strangely, even typing these things gives me a sense of unease, like I should beat myself up over these things instead.

 

Sounds to me like you're less afraid of being wrong and more afraid of giving the wrong social response to being wrong. So if you're not certain if you're wrong, you don't know what social response you should be giving so your brain freaks out tries to default to Maximum Wrong.

 

sounds like a calbration problem. Do you consciously notice when you start the MAXIMUM WRONG MUST PUNISH SELF thing? If you do notice, I know it sounds dumb, but maybe try for a while to quietly countdown from ten, then ask whether what you did was wrong. If other people have already suggested that and it doesn't work I'm hella sorry, it's the only advice I can think of rn

 

hm, that's really interesting. thinking about it, although i don't tend to get terribly upset about things, i'm most likely to feel self-loathing when involved in a situation where my perception of things differs from that of a large group of people who may or may not also be involved in the situation. i wonder why that is?

note: in my case knowing whether i'm right or wrong doesn't seem to change things. i can feel 100% sure that i'm right about something and still get all twisted up inside when dealing with people who think i'm wrong (especially if i think that they'll despise me for what i think.) so maybe not quite the same thing, but interesting anyway.

 

probably, in general, being totally sure about right and wrong is more comfortable for you (the sure person) and less comfortable for the people around you.

 

Might also be the insecurity about the issue that provokes the response? By knowing, at least you know and don't have to find out, you Know, and that means it Is True. Alternatively, do you have opinions on people who don't know they are wrong? Like, "The more I know the more I know how little I know" type stuff, where at least knowing you are wrong about a thing means that you at least aren't bad enough to not know you are wrong?

 

as a fellow bpd i think part of it might be unlearning bpd behaviors if that makes sense? imo bpd isnt a true personality disorder its a series of learned behaviors to make the universe make sense but i dont think thats how most people think of it. so when you're acknowledging that something isnt black and white i think the part of your brain channels that usually go black and white are like BUT IM NOT BEING USED IM NOT INCLUDED WAAAHHHHHH

its like a ditch hollowed out from rain, except now this time when it rains youre trying to keep the water from going in the ditch. but now the ditch is like no? thats my job? and then it pulls the rain into the ditch thru gravity. im just happy to see that youre trying to divert the water in the first place tbh. this is... weird wording but its nice to see youre putting your patterns together and stuff.

sorry for typing nails are wet