I have been aware that I have problems with eye contact since elementary school. I remember thinking I was a bad person because I couldn't sustain eye contact with my parents. When I tried to make and keep eye contact, it felt like whoever I was looking at was in my Personal Space, even if they were several feet away. Straight-on eye contact feels like their face is right up next to my face, or like our eyes are the same poles on different magnets trying to repel each other. Whenever there was romantic scenes in movies, people would be right across from each other at a two person table, "gazing lovingly into each other's eyes". It always looked like hell to me, being unable to look away without being mean. DX I have ways of mitigating how uncomfortable eye contact feels. The first is to make sure there's plenty of distance between me and whoever I'm talking to. If it's roughly the distance of both out our outstretched arms, that should be enough. If it's closer, leaning back helps even when it doesn't increase the distance that much. For too-close interactions, such as needing to speak with someone sitting in a chair next to you, looking from the side helps a lot. Like, turning my eyes more than my head? It feels like it's easier to mask when I'm looking around instead of making direct eye contact, like if I look at their nose instead of their eyes, or focus on one eye instead of the other. Also sometimes people mimic the posture, so you see a lot more of one eye than the other, which helps. I've practiced lots of ways to break eye contact without seeming shifty or disinterested, too. As far as I know, I don't have a reputation of being shifty, so I guess it works? That said, I can make myself make and sustain eye contact if I think I need to. I feel a lot less like me when I do that, though. I would call it the eye contact equivalent of the "phone voice" I put on even when phones freak me out. I can do it, and through practice it is almost-not-even-uncomfortable most of the time, but it's not me. I think a lot of people don't know I have problems with eye contact, or if they do they haven't said anything. And that's how I spent years, really, not remembering my problem with eye contact. I got good enough at minimizing the problem that it didn't even register as a problem anymore. The memory of eye contact problems came back strong when my girlfriend and I started dating. I found myself looking away a lot, not because I was nervous, but because I kept feeling like wow no close too close, and the only other option was to look at her and... ignore her? Which I didn't want to do. (I mean I was a little nervous at first, but that's not what I mean. Also, other than eye contact, I did not have problems being close to her.) We talked about it a little, she didn't seem to mind. We are currently long distance so this doesn't come up much. Does this sound familiar to anyone? For other people with eye contact problems, what does it feel like to you? What is it/do you think it might be connected to? As far as I know, I am not on the autism spectrum. I do have anxiety, but eye contact doesn't "feel" like an anxiety problem.
Hi, no idea where I lie brainweird-wise (left-handed? ASD? ADD? * definitely some form of anxiety though) but this sounds very familiar to me - so much so that I don't even know what eye colour people I like have. (my best friend's eyes are ... brown? That's the most likely statistical option) It's the subject of some teasing in my family, but I don't mind that much. I tend to focus on people's eyebrows or some other place of their face, anywhere but the eyes, but close enough to the eyes to make people think I'm looking at them directly. I don't much like eye contact - it's very confrontational and feels rather rude to me. I don't want to see what goes inside a persons head as much as I don't want the other person to see what goes on in mine. I only ever look a person directly in the eyes when I need something done, exactly like what you described as the 'eye contact equivalent of the phone voice' but only to strangers. I actually kind of like it, as I've always liked acting, and my mother helped me with social interaction by having me pretend it's a game, with the winner being the one who comes across the most positive of the two. So in this case eye contact becomes a mask or a game of poker. I also wear glasses, and that gives me slight edge in everything, because the glasses act like a boundary between me and the person, and that makes me WAY more comfortable looking them in the eyes. It depends on the glasses though - my dark rimmed ones are my professional ones that I use to be graphic designer/artist, but my other pair are very thin metal frames - I don't like using them if I need to interact with people, because they make me feel a little more bare and vulnerable. *ha! finally an excuse to use the ghostie!
Hm, I don't like eye contact, but mostly because it confuses me. Like, I think people do it because the personality is in the eyes or something???? But that doesn't work, eyes are just weird reflecting fluid bags that process visual stimuli, I translate emotions from eyebrows and voice tone and body language. Like, I don't see any purpose in looking into people's eyes, and frankly it kind of freaks me out, because what if other people can read emotion from eyes and so they can read me while I can't? creeps. me. out. anyway, sometimes I'll pick an eye to stare at, or I'll be far enough away that I can look at the nose bridge. usually i just say fuck it and stare at the wall or ceiling or floor when I'm talking these days, because I realized that as a kid I probably creeped people out, because I knew it was polite to look people in the eyes, so I'd stare at them and lose track of the conversation. (not sure of brainweird, maybe autistic, haven't gotten spoons together to do the spergform yet)
I get severe anxiety when looking at people's faces - looking into their eyes doesn't work at all. My head refuses to allow it. At job interviews we tell them ahead of time that I can't, then I look mostly at chests cause Grim said looking as close to direct as possible makes them feel more comfortable. Sometimes when trying to make a picture of someone I can look at their face if they aren't looking toward me, but even that has to be quick glances.
I legitimately like making eye contact with only 1 person, and she is the closest person to me. And even with her if I have too much going on at once my ability to make eye contact is the first thing to go. With strangers and even my own family I either just -can't- do it or I can but it feels very very painful. It feels to me almost like snapping my eyes into place or like a magnet. I think it gets kind of creepy and intense for people probably because they can tell I hate it and it comes across as too intense. It's seriously like physically and emotionally painful to maintain it though, I just feel like I have to in order to be doing the right/polite thing.
This makes me wonder what the actual acceptable/non-acceptable level of eye contact is for different countries. Because aren't there places where actually looking people older than you in the eyes is disrespectful? I can do it well enough with family and friends, but I tend to avoid it with strangers actually, most of the time. Ironically, as NT I can tell you that apparently staring too long is also disrespectful and comes across as a challenge sometimes. So if you can manage or need to appear as if you are looking at someone, looking at the nose bridge is the best way to go. Not that I think you should have to do this, but I am saying it's likely a better option than fully staring if you really really have to. But not for too long! Wtf social rules.
Eye contact with certain people actually gives me a headache. The better I know someone/the more comfortable I am with them, the less it hurts. Like I can make eye contact, but it's bloody weird and I think I either stare or don't look at them enough. But eyes are also kinda fascinating and nice to look like, so *shrugs*.
I don't make eye contact naturally. I can make and hold eye contact if I remember to, but I get bored looking at people's faces. Also I have a tendency towards blank staring, which contributes to and is probably caused by the boredom and also prompts more "do I have something on my face?" instead of "you are paying attention."
Eye contact makes my eyes hurt. Maybe I'm doing it wrong? Often I'll look at people's mouths when they talk, because it helps with being able to tell what they're saying.
I'm better at it with people I know (and like) than strangers but most of the time if I can get away with it I just...dont. I think it's connected to anxiety/comfort levels because I hate doing it with my mom and our relationship isn't great. (She also has a history of demanding it from me while screaming...so) I can't really get emotions out of it or whatever it's actually for socially? I like studying faces for artistic/aesthetic reasons (probably why I stare at my s.o., thankfully they're probably autistic and don't care) but the minute someone looks back at me I start feeling pretty uncomfortable. I never know how lo g to hold it or when to look away either. At work I look at everything else as much s possible, but apparently I can fake it enough that no one's scolded me for it.
