I'm going to say right now: bumblebee, feel free to ignore this whole thread. I feel bad enough for dragging you into my issues all the time. Everyone else, ignore that. Okay continuing. I'm honestly scared that I'm not going to make it. Or, I think I should be scared but I can't bring myself to actually feel it. I'm mostly cut off from a lot of things that were holding me together, and after this month I'll be wholly cut off from most of those. I don't feel real anymore. It would be so easy for me to just give up. I think I know why I don't: my struggling is central to who I am. I fight against things that happen to me. It's what I do. To give that up would be to give up my Self. That's not to say that that isn't looking really inviting right now. Mostly I just don't care about anything anymore. I could deal with that. It's the backlash that I can't deal with. Sometimes I manage to feel happy, real. I think, "I could do this all the time." But I can't and I crash and I hate myself for feeling happy and for thinking that, because it's not true. And I'm still spending too much effort on appearances. I have to appear okay so people will leave me alone. I told myself I'd stop. I don't know how to stop. And I could do it. I could just let myself stop caring about reality. I could let myself drop out of reality completely. I've been close enough to there before to know that. It would be easy if I just stopped fighting, and why should I fight if it only ends up hurting me and those around me? I'm pretty sure there's reasons why I shouldn't do this, but I can't remember what they are. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live in this life anymore. There's nothing in my control; anything worth fighting for is too far away to make a difference. My friends don't help. It's not their fault. It's just that I'm living through this haze of unreality. I think if I do that, that'll be it, because if I lose that much of myself then I don't want to come back. And I don't think I want that. But it would be so easy to just give up.
I don't think I can say anything important, something that makes everything better and perfectly clear, but... Do you want to hear something dumb? A silly and selfish little reason to keep going? You're the only other person on this website I've seen that reads Worm. Like I said, it's a tiny thing. But I was looking around and I saw your recommendation, and I smiled because I saw someone who was in the same tiny obscure fandom that I was. You made someone smile. If you're getting cut off from the important things, maybe you can use the little stuff to hold onto? Not forever, just enough to keep you going to the next pocket of happiness. Then when that pocket ends, pick some new stuff to get you to the next one. "I want to see that fanfic's next update." "I'm having something tasty for dinner tomorrow." "I can make random weirdos on the internet smile." We can argue about my dumb headcanons, or plotholes, or whatever if that helps. It's not much. But I hope it does help.
Okay, for starters, Chevalier looks exactly like Idris Elba. Like, just picture Idris Elba fighting an Endbringer with a cannonblade, he'd be perfect. Also, because every fandom I touch automatically becomes about 20% more gay, about a decade after canon is done and they're adults, Dinah Alcott and Vista wind up dating and it's badass. (Also, do you want me to start a Worm thread in Fan Town? It might be the more appropriate forum.)
yes, but probably make it a webnovel thread because a. i'm halfway done with pact and b. city of angles is also a great webnovel and it's not wildbow's so it can't be just a wildbow thread
I think I'll make two, one general webnovel thread and one specifically for Wildbow's stuff, since he's fairly prolific.
