Okay I have lurked around this place a good while since sisters recommended it to me but now I'm like upset enough to post a rant. Not sure what I expect from it but. Yeah. Looks like it might help? IDK. Don't even know what bloody forum it should go under. Have barricaded myself into my room which is what I do when upset - well, not literally, anyone could walk in, but others are well aware that if the door is completely shut I don't want to deal with people. (I am looking at this after I wrote this and goddammit this is long. Sorry. Sorry. But I don't know what to cut, because if I cut one thing I will end up cutting all of it. Sorry.) I have been massively upset over every small thing for almost a week now. I'm not sure why. It's not my period, that's passed. Similar thing occurs when I switch medication, but last time I did that was months ago. I have been taking my meds properly so it's not the fault of a skipped day. So I'm just being super cranky at stuff for no goddamn reason. Mum is the only person in the family that at least somewhat understands me, seeing as she has depression herself as well, though even she thinks I am pretending it's more serious than it really is. Mum's Dude doesn't understand jack, he thinks it's "learnt helplessness" and I'm faking it because it's easier for me this way. Aunts kind of vaguely get it in theory but not in practice. So I'm just sitting here upset at things. And everybody else is upset at me being cranky but also for actual good reasons. Like the fact that my mum just miscarried. We were thrilled about the baby - I was already determined to be Big Cool Sibling who brings home toys that make a lot of noise and other that kind of stuff. Then on Sunday morning I was woken up when mum's guy came home and told me she was in a hospital because she had been bleeding profusely. She came home some hours later on her own and said she'd lost the baby. The rational part of me says that it was always a possibility because my mum is in her forties and it's not easy to have a baby almost twenty years after you had the previous one and. yeah. The irrational part of me that was raised in a highly superstitious family says it's all my fault because mum told me not to tell anyone but I had mentioned it to a couple of friends just the day before and I know rationally that of course this didn't cause it. but. still. spoke too soon. feels bad. Joke is I am not actually upset about losing the possibility of a baby sibling. I'm like "well yes this is sad" but that's it, I don't actually feel anything except perhaps a bit of disappointment. Emotions are weird. I don't do emotions when it comes to real people. I cry at cartoons and sending CVs and at a lot of pointless stuff but not when an actual being is hurt or dies or whatever. I didn't cry when my grandma died, not before nor at her funeral nor afterwards. I laugh when jokes are made but I don't actually feel anything inside?? No happiness or anything. It's not even being permanently sad. It's being permanently NOTHING. And then I go cry when I try to send a stupid CV. I'm eighteen, I'm supposed to be a functioning adult that should get a summer job instead of sitting in her room all summer playing stupid games. And, like, I'm an Adult yeah, but I am the farthest thing from a Grownup. I can barely talk to people. I have some specific humans I can talk to pretty freely, and I can go forever when writing on the net, but when it comes to real life people I'm not that well acquaintanced with (or even people I know very well but who are not in my circle of People I Can Talk To Without Having A Panic Attack) I just become terrified and can barely get anything out of my mouth. This coming from a person who has won awards at speech contests. Speech contests. Currently even the idea of having to talk in front of more than three people fills me with terror. Then I go and start crying in front of people when having sensory overloads and it's just. bloody embarrassing. I hate crying. I hate crying in private and even more in front of people. But last week during D&D I was getting a massive overload because everybody was yelling at each other and trying to get my attention because I was the DM and I just kind of curled up and was this close to crying and. and. I can't cry in front of a bunch of teenage boys. I am supposed to be their responsible sane adult teaching them the ways of the world but instead I have panic attacks and play with bubble wrap and swear like an old sailor. I only got out of it because the only other adult in the group works in a clinic and actually knows things about that kind of weird stuff my brain does and he kind of told the others to calm the hell down and shook me out of it. They're cool kids. Rude and mad and irritating, yes, but awesome. I want to keep them safe forever. Which is a thing I do with people I care about. I look at a person and think yes this dumbass I shall be worried about for the rest of my life. And like that's another problem?? I can't even take care of myself but insist on taking care of everybody else??? I've always had friends older than me (my D&D group of teenage boys excepted) which is kind of good because I have learnt! so! much! from them. They've told me things about how to adult and how to communicate and why worrying about the entire world is useless and will wear me out and like, basically everything I've learnt I have learnt from my friends. And now that I have also friends younger than me I want to be the cool adult that teaches them things of the Big Scary World. Except it's the other way around, it's still my friends having to watch over me and make sure I don't go picking fights with things three times my size. (and I still look at my friends in their twenties and thirties and think precious babbit, must protect, must protect at all costs) In all stages of my life my friends have felt more of a family for me than my birth family ever has. My birth family loves me, I know, I know that they do their best, my mum and all my aunts and everybody, but not once have I at home felt the same sense of peaceful I have when out with people. I never had any even remotely close friends as a kid, so when I made some at 12-13-14-something years old, I was baffled at the fact that people that were not my own family could be so nice to me. The first good friend I made got me into RP community from where I got into LARP community. Where I met people who actually gave a damn about me and who took care of me and taught me things and for the longest time I was a paranoid little baby who though this was just some long-running joke but now I know better now I know there are people who for some unknown reason actually care about the stupid shipwreck that I am. And being out there with that kind of people gives me a kind of peace and serenity I never have when with my birth family. I love my family but I love my friend family more - blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, yeah? And sometimes I feel bad about it. And then I don't know what to do. Again. Because I think I shouldn't feel bad about blood being thicker. I think we choose our own families. But my birth family is not a bad family - they're not great good, but they're good, and I love them - and so my feelings go confuse. And in the end I just feel so goddamn lost. Super sorry about the giant wall of text. Every time I try to articulate my problems I end up ranting like this. (And feeling like it's pointless whining... what if they're right and I am in fact just a faker and doing this all because it's easier for me to be "depressed and helpless"?)
There is no right or wrong way to do emotions. I guess that's the most important thing I would have to say. Are you seeing anyone for depression?
I have a psychiatrist appointment approx. every three months, mostly to check up on me and to write prescriptions. Therapist/psychologist is about once a month (but I think I need to find a new one again, she is irritating the hell out of me), and during school I also occasionally talk to our school psychologist. My mum's doc also gets her to bring me along sometimes so problems between us can also be discussed. Now that I have actually calmed a bit down and stuff I look at this giant wall of text I posted and am kinda embarrassed. Most of it seems like petty whining now. Which is why I should not be given internet access when emotions, I'll just let a lot of nonsense bleed out.
Just stick around. We all post giant walls of text here when emotions. It's pretty much what this place seems to be built for.
I am old and grey. I nearly shed a tear once when watching a film. I'm pretty certain that I did shed A tear when the cat was euthenased. That's it. Your emotional state is all your own; you don't need to be embarrassed; you don't owe anyone any part of yourself. That's not to say you can't show emotions when you feel them, you can and should. I get angry occasionally. Let it out and let it go.
