I may as well post something here. (Gosh after typing out the title I already feel guilty.) I feel like I have a problem that's keeping me from fully trusting the (cis) male people I know in my life, as well as strangers... and I feel like I have no reason not to? Nothing traumatizing has happened to me in my past, I guess aside from all of the stories of domestic violence I've heard from other people :/ And getting harrassed in elementary and middle school? But those came from all genders. Generally, I'm an overly cautious person in the first place. I hate confrontation and try to avoid it whenever possible, I don't like making eye contact, I choose my actions/words carefully because I'll do whatever I CAN to prevent making someone angry or upset. But around men, I do this significantly. Large men, tall men, older & hairier men, rich and poor men... all intimidate me. Especially when they get angry. Now, psychologically, I KNOW men tend to get aggressive more easily than women, and are more likely to respond to upsetting news this way. Despite knowing this, whenever I hear a man start to yell, or hit something, start cursing or even just venting, I start getting afraid. I silence myself because I feel like if I say anything, they'll lash out at me. And when THAT happens (unintentionally, usually) I have a mental breakdown. Even when it comes to flirting, I GET SCARED. It's a pretty normal thing to get compliments on your body or how "cute" you look and to fall in love with one another but every time I hear things like this my first thought is "they just want me for sex" (which I KNOW isn't true most of the time, and dumbass me forgets often that sex is a pleasurable and necessary thing for a huge chunk of people and I'm the one who's the real loser for never feeling like I needed it. Dunno if that means I'm asexual but that's a different topic) The problem with this is that... I like compliments, I really do, I like recieving them (or at least the concept of it) and I like gentlemen and know many of them in my life! But for some reason when I get this kind of treament from some people, I just... feel like wanting to get far away from them, and this only happens with a couple of guys I know, really. It's also a problem when I'm dating a guy and I don't want to date him anymore, I struggle with saying no because I'm afraid of getting lashed out at, especially when they do a LOT of nice things for me, spend too much money on me when I've done little in return (because yknow I'm trying to save my money for my intersts and COLLEGE)... And I'm afraid of dumping them in case they repeat all of this to me. I'm so afraid. A huge reason why I haven't let out these thoughts to anyone is because a little over half of my friends are cis guys. Guys that I usually get along and have fun with and love as people! But for some reason, there's always a few nagging thoughts in the back of my head that occasionally convince me that my own fucking friends aren't to be trusted. I hate it and I feel so guilty whenever I start getting wary after something one of these friends do, only for everything to turn out just fine again later. I'd say the only guy that I trust 100% without a doubt is my twin brother. But even at times when he gets mildly angry (like, say, from struggling in a videogame) I start tensing up a little. I feel guilty (and not to mention sexist) for feeling this way, and I don't know what to do. If you feel offended from reading this then I'm very sorry. I promise it's nothing personal.
*hugs* I'm sure you're not the only one who feels this way. I feel like it's the sort of thing that is a common experience. Maybe somebody else here has some advice about a good way to approach these feelings if you want to change something about them? Spoiler: Also Also I know that at least until very recently I will have come under the "male" bracket for you, and so I'm sorry if I've ever been the cause for anxiety in any way similar to this through anything I've said or done. And of course I'll say again that if ever I or anyone is making you uncomfortable it's you're right to be able to tell them that if you want to, and not have to stay in contact with the uncomfortable thing... actually that's a general rule that goes with anything, really.
This caution is much less uncommon than you seem to think, and men do have the social space to be able to hurt women easily and without much risk to themselves. Sustained anxiety is not useful though, and can be actively detrimental. It might be worth reading the gift of fear as a starting point- it's helpful for separating genuine useful fear from over active anxiety/hypervigilance (but definitely pay attention to common critiques so you know what advice to disregard) As for personal relationships, give yourself the space to express your own wishes. If a guy spends money on you that was HIS CHOICE and he thought you worthy of it (and if he didn't then he deserves to be dumped). If you don't like a compliment it's not necessary to say more than "thanks". If you would prefer to hang out in groups that include women and other not-cis-dudes because that makes you feel more comfortable then it's totally okay to arrange that.
Thank you for your responses. Blackhole, no worries, I haven't gotten these feelings a whole lot from you, at least not from what I can remember :) Ducks, I'm interested in what you said about the "gift of fear"(? is that what it's called). Distinguishing my fear and general anxiety sounds helpful... probably wouldn't hurt me to research into it later. Thanks again though
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_Fear It sounds counter intuitive but having the skills to identify legitimate precursors to violence can help you feel more confident in just interacting with people.
