Guess this is where I come when I have bad Sads. CW for my usual dose of depression and suicidal thoughts I guess. I've posted bits of this on the forum but I strongly suspect myself of having anxiety and depression and possibly a personality disorder and/or ADD, but whhhhatever the point is I just got off the phone with disability services at my college after I turned in an intake form. After scheduling an appointment for me to meet with a counselor about possible accommodations they mention I have to bring paperwork detailing my diagnoses. I say I don't have a diagnoses, I was told to go down to disability services about a semester ago when I came in about feeling suicidal. They say "Oh dear." So now I have to go dig up paperwork I'm pretty sure doesn't exist about the accommodations I received in high school in order for them to see me, or try to go find a doctor in the next two weeks and get a diagnoses that way so I won't fail out of my computer science class, which, oh, by the way, bores me, and the work for which I could totally do if I weren't so fucking depressed. And I don't have energy for any of this, I can dedicate myself to doing those assignments I missed and the drawings for my last figure drawing class and just fucking hope my professor and the counselor I'm going to see actually believes I'm depressed, not lazy, and I need help with this or I can make motions towards something I know I won't have the energy to follow through on in time because hey, I just had a week of energy and feeling like I could do things, I'm sure I'm going to go right back to chronic procrastination and all the anxiety that induces because when was the last time that happened. Oh, and I really should let go of the fact that the one person I've kept in contact with since middle school and love to little bitty pieces basically told me she was way too stressed out but I can't do a single thing about that because she's away at college and trying to talk to her about it would just seem like demanding more of the time she doesn't have buttt no I want to talk to her now more than ever but it's not gonna happen. All of this is stacking up and making me feel more useless than usual which always signals one of my little brain bugs to start shutting things down because clearly nothing I do matters and I'm always going to be sick and I'm always going to want to kill myself so why not just get it over with you know. I'm not even feeling particularly dysphoric. I kind of wish I was, worrying about my body usually makes me feel disconnected and allows me to ignore how badly I'm fucking things up.
