Ugh, life is hard and i'm feeling isolated and unheard. Which is ridiculous, because of course my parents don't understand what i'm feeling, i haven't put it in words. And i feel like such a immature brat now. And now i feel silly for caring about whether i seem immature. whatever. So next may I will be too old to be covered by my parents' health insurance, and my mother is distressed about this, as I am unemployed and living with my parents. Understandable really. Today, she and dad tried to Have A Talk with me about my Plans. Basically, I told them that I was feeling cornered and put on the spot and she talked for a bit about how in her life, she has needed to have plans and backup plans and then she let it drop. And now i'm feeling like a manipulative, lazy piece of shit. I just. I don't know how to say (don't feel i have any right to say) that i am just barely settling in to what i am like, what i am capable of, with meds that actually help. Like, it's been three weeks since the adderall dose increase, and i'm still kind of marvelling at the ability to decide what to do with my time. And I'm still scared of trying to take that to a longer-term perspective. I have spent so long believing that i didn't *really* want ... anything, because if there was something i wanted, wouldn't I *care* enough to do something about it ("apply myself"). And that turned into/merged into believing that I didn't really want to be alive. So I am scared of thinking about the future and coming up blank. And that's not even really a risk right now; i've actually had some ideas about where i want to be a year from now (which, wow, stated like that, i'm kind of impressed with my progress). But i'm scared of putting those ideas out there, specifically where my mom can criticize them. Because she is so, so focused on the health insurance problem that anything i say that doesn't address that won't be good enough for her. Like, a couple weeks back I mentioned trying to work toward being able to do illustration commissions and all she had to say was that self-employment doesn't come with benefits. Like, in the abstract she talks about supporting me in whatever I want to do, but... idk, maybe I should be grateful for a voice of practicality. Subject change! I'm so tired of feeling isolated, alienated. My ex-girlfried called me that once or twice, her alien; she meant it as an endearment, but it kind of summed up why I broke things off with her. And I know I have only myself to blame (for the isolation in general, I don't hold it blameworthy that I broke things off with her); I'm the one who doesn't reach out, doesn't trust that anyone could possibly like me if they really knew me, and I know that's the crazy talking, my own personal jerkbrain, except for the parts that feel totally rational. So saying hi to people on the Minecraft server is more social interaction than I've had with anyone who wasn't family, a medical professional, or therapist in... god, a year now. blurrgh, too much wallowing. gonna go play with virtual blocks
I know that "I am a lazy piece of shit" feel =( It is not any fun. It's really frustrating when other people don't understand that you're trying your hardest, and you're in the process of getting your shit together. It sucks that your mum is shooting down your ideas and plans. But it sounds like you're making a lot of progress, even if she keeps shooting you down! It takes awhile to figure out what the fuck you wanna do with you life, so it's okay if you're not sure right now. Also YES I KNOW THIS FEELING. I get freaked out when any of my friends get to the point where, fuck, I have to stop being the neutral vaguely distant person I be to make people comfortable if I want this friendship to progress at all, because how I really am generally makes people uncomfortable because I'm too excitable and weird (read: autistic). So uh yeah basically, I feel you, and witnessed.
idk where you live and if this is an option for you, but with some doctors notes i was able to stay on my parents' insurance plan despite having officially aged out. might be worth looking into? also, yeah, i know that feel re: feeling alienated but being scared to reach out to anyone. it's balls.
thanks I've been living with my parents in Iowa for nearly a year now. That sounds like it might really help. Can you tell me a little more about where I might even get started looking into this?
i would contact the company itself and ask if they have any applications for coverage for dependants with disabilities. my company used "overage dependants" as the terminology, but yours may differ. if not, ask if there's any sort of paperwork for "exceptional" cases. if they have any of that, the next step is to get a doctor to fill things out. ideally a doctor who you've been seeing for a while, since (mine, at least) asked for date of diagnosis and things like that. good luck!
#aboutme. you will be able to find insurance through the federal marketplace, and you can even make an application for medicaid/medicare through the federal marketplace as well! that you're disabled will actually help you getting funds and such. signed, someone who's officially off parents' insurance as of this upcoming monday.
I've been thinking about this more the last couple weeks and kind of observing my reaction to this whole thing and, just, i dunno. i've been wondering if this is what it feels like to be "triggered" for whatever value of triggered applies to whatever muddle of bad brains and bad habits I've got going on. Like, ever since this conversation I've been feeling worse about myself and my possibilities, sleeping at weirder times, feeling less motivated to attempt hard things (applying for jobs, working on creative projects, going Places to do Things). I just. The most charitable version I can come up with for what mom meant to communicate is something like "we are here for you and want to support and encourage you in moving forward", but what actually came across was more like "we are disappointed in you(r lack of progress) and don't trust you to set your own timetable for recovery". And I don't want to (don't want to want to, anyway) make excuses or waste energy laying blame, but I wonder if it would be worthwhile to ask mum to lay off the pressure again. Backstory time: a few months after i'd moved back in with my parents, mom got me a few therapy appointments through the employee assistance program at her workplace. This therapist encouraged/helped me to ask mom to back off on the job hunt thing while i worked on getting out of my downswing. And she did! for a while. Once I'd met with a psych & got my antidepressants adjusted and found a more long-term therapist, mom started mentioning things like seeing now hiring signs again. She then asked if it was okay if she started talking about job hunt things again. i said "i guess" or some similarly unenthusiastic but compliant thing and she's been trying to get me going in that direction ever since. A couple weeks before i made this thread, (shortly after the adhd med dose increase) i managed to pull together the mental/emotional wherewithal to apply to one of the jobs mom had bookmarked for me. And she has been on my case (asking about it every day or so) about following up and applying for more jobs ever since. And every time she asks, it's a little stab of "you're a disappointment" and "you're an adult, i shouldn't have to manage this for you", even if I don't remember her ever outright saying the first, and she only said something a little like the second once, long enough ago that i don't remember the context. Additional backstory that feels relevant here: I met with that more long-term therapist every week for a few months and paid for the sessions out of my income from plasma donations. That income hasn't been as consistent as i'd hoped (yay anxiety pushing my heart rate up into the no-go range. this has been worse in recent weeks too). When i told mom i wasn't going to be able to continue paying for therapy myself, it apparently didn't even register because a couple weeks ago she asked whether I was still going. and, yeah, i feel kind of dumb and cowardly for not asking directly 'will you give me money so i can pay for therapy' instead of hoping she'd just offer when i told here it was going to be a problem, but. i dunno. it feels like it wouldn't be right to ask for more when my parents are already paying for my food and shelter and meds and doctors appointmernts so anyway, i guess i'd just like a reality check. Am I just Making Excuses for Giving In to Anxiety? Is there some kind of reasonable boundary setting i might attempt with mom? Should I just chalk it all up to jerkbrain influence and work on that instead? Should I chalk my reluctance to talk to mom up to jerkbrain influence and just go for it?
therapy appointments are doctor appointments. they're brain mechanics, and your brain is a really important part of you. please don't be embarrassed to ask for what you need. especially since it seems like you'd like some professional help with wording with your mom. if this helps: when i was at my worst, it took me five months to go from "college dropout" to "part-time employment" and two more months to go to "temp employment so i can go back to school." and one of those months between dropout and employment was thrice-weekly three-hour intensive outpatient group therapy sessions. trying to take the car that is your brain back onto the road when it's still malfunctioning is asking for you to get into an accident. metaphors. what
