I think I've spent most of my life guessing what other people's reactions to situations will be so that I don't get singled out. I have a really hard time overriding reactions which are there as camoflage, and it's messing me up inside. A lot of the time, I restrict what I say and do to only the most equivocal statements to avoid strong reactions, even when I'm talking to people who are already close friends. It feels really unpleasant. I end up missing out on a lot of things I want to experience because I don't want to be ~seen~. (This might somehow be related to my parents treating me (20.5ish, in college and doing excellently) like they're supposed to have full control over my emotions, my behavior, and (especially) what I post on social media.) The main issue right now is to do with relationships. I have a close friend who others (including some of my friends) will insult to my face because they don't like that he's self-confident and thinks he looks good even if he doesn't always take a shower after working out etc. We're actually dating, with a very tame sort of polyamory going on - he also has a boyfriend, who's my ex-roomie and also a very close friend. Despite a certain amount of bravado, he's a sweet and caring person and very good at maintaining healthy boundaries. A few people know we're dating, but that freaks me out. I'm afraid other friends would leave me if they knew I'm dating someone they don't especially like, or in a way (not exclusive) that they don't like. I don't even know that any of my friends would react that way, but the feeling's rooted so deep inside me that it surfaces all the time, even when I'm alone with him. Honestly, a lot of what it regurgitates sounds like internalized homophobia, but... nobody but friends who are trans knows I self-identify as a guy? So that doesn't make any sense. Any advice for getting control over feeling the ~disgust of Others~ is highly appreciated.
