Just...so I don't forget things. If any of this comes in handy. I took the NHS depression test and got a "very likely suffering from some form of depression". Well, maybe. Maybe SAD. Maybe I just don't like university. In any case, I filled in the online form to register for the uni counselling service. Last time I contacted them it took 14 weeks for them to get back to me, so we'll see where that goes! (They apologised for taking so long and asked if I still wanted a session. I said no.) Some stuff I should note from the last couple of weeks: I've been awake until ~2am nightly...but I fall asleep easily once I'm in bed with the light off. I just take a long time to get there. I've been feeling badly about my appearance, but mostly wrt how I look in photos. I haven't worried about my weight much at all. I've been more irritable than usual. I've found it really hard to concentrate. This isn't new, but it's suddenly more pronounced. During my Italian class yesterday I didn't understand a word the teacher said because I kept switching off. I've not completed any assignments for a while. I crapped all over the piece we sang in rehearsal on Wednesday afternoon but tbf it was Schoenberg and hard. Still, I got pretty agitated about it. If I'd been 14 I would've cried. I haven't exercised much this week. I stopped going to the gym because they were refurbishing. I started a running plan which has been fun but I haven't done any since last Friday. My appetite is fine. I'm maybe eating a bit more than usual. I've done less singing practice than I should, considering. I kind of cba. I have a singing lesson tonight which usually cheers me up. I've been finding it hard to concentrate while cycling and having some intrusive thoughts about the bike breaking while I'm riding it. I can't tell if a wheel is loose, in which case I should take it to the shop, or if that's just in my head. I'm also feeling like it's harder to balance, but my cycling muscle memory is 12+ years old and I'm not going to fall off. I have no suicidal ideation. I should be concerned about my studies, since I'm in final year and it's important. But I don't feel anything about them right now. The absence of anxiety. I've missed some lectures this week and I'm not really engaged with any of my modules.
I feel like I'm absolutely phoning my studies in right now. I can't remember if I felt this way last year and the year before that. But it's like I'm barely even aware that I'm taking classes. I'm in a lecture right now, lol. This is my worst one because I don't understand any of it and I don't care. But even so. Maybe I did too good a job of picking unsubstantial modules this year? Or maybe I'm on a fast-track to failing my degree because I have no investment in the subject? Well that hasn't happened yet. I can probably pull this back. I did well in my programming tests. But they're not about maths, really. I got a lot more sleep last night which is good. I worry that when my degree is done and I no longer have to do maths or be a failure I'm going to stop doing maths forever. It used to be such an important thing to me. I don't want that to have left me. I don't think it will. I still like talking about maths when there's no pressure on me. Numerical analysis has the most potential to be interesting to me and I need to talk to the careers advisors about how I pursue it. Stats was fun, 'Complex Networks' is tedious in lectures but interesting in notes, 'Numerical/Computational methods' is fine and fairly satistfying. I'm not doing enough practice. I just don't feel like it. I have an audition Saturday though so I should probably put in some work. And another one next Thursday, agh fuck.
