So. This is an old event, but it's complex and confusing and it's actively wrecking my life and I need to find a way to deal with this both before and after I finally get to see a doctor and start on meds again. AY HEADS UP, THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE AND RAMBLY BECAUSE I CAN'T FOCUS FOR SHIT SO IT JUST.. ROLLS. First off :insert entire abuse memory thread here from ITA:, :insert complex mental health pile that doesn't play nice with physical health pile here:. but aside from that, there is the current problem. For the first four years of my so far 8 year marriage, my husband lied. He lied about his past and childhood when we were dating, but I thought he was just being weird. Turns out he truly did believe these outlandish things as if fucking brain washed, and with a bit of gentle pressure he moved the fuck on from them overall. Again though: very strange to experience. Like.. Holy shit. Outlandish claims he used to believe: Best friend was murdered at age 8 and he found his glasses in the woods and found his body. After probing he remembered the kid actually moved, and he never heard from him again. His first girlfriend was killed, died in his arms, because of a sword toting gang he was part of. I pointed out his math was wrong for their ages, they would have been twelve, the gang wasn't real, the girl was someone he had a crush on, he lived in fucking nowhere Colorado so that would have been gigantic news and literally every other aspect of anything involving this fictitious time in his life was ripped from FF7. I wish I was kidding, but it literally reset his brain for a good few days once I sorted shit out. Various things relating to skills and knowledge that, when pressed, just.. don't exist or have been severely overblown. Okay. Moved on. Was fucking weird, a, very confused to this day, but we don't talk about it or he gets mad. We both were still dicking around and believing in fictitious things after marriage because we were still hella young and dumb around them, but even at that point I knew "okay I'm pretending". Apparently he was under the impression it was real, for some reason. Got him calmed down and things explained, also now doesn't want to talk about it anymore because he feels he was being stupid. But then the obvious lies turned into extremely easily busted white lies. Lies about money Lies about a chore that was done or not, which took literally two glances to check a yes or no on and which was almost always met with rage and complaints no matter what upon truth being discovered. Lies about a goal being met Lies about if something had been eaten, usually with his own mother saying he had or had not done something. Lies about things I'd witnessed being false, when I was right beside him. Lies about things I caught him in the act of doing. All of these were admitted to or were talked through over time, and eventually it reached a point where I couldn't handle any more.. and he says he stopped. There have been no more big lies, no more repetitive bullshit lies that I've caught him in. We got his diagnoses and we've been more focused on dealing with his problems with memory and sticking to tasks, with his anger problems, with his panic attacks when they crop up, and with coping with how he was raised. I'm not currently getting any help, am not medicated, and short of my diagnosis haven't had any help that has actually gone towards helping me short of me busting my own ass and trying to force shit. Just haven't found that good of a doctor fit in all these years to go near the rotten onion farm that is my past. Key part here is that being lied to was a gigantic part of my childhood to the point where I can't believe in anything but myself if even that.. and then trusting Nate so readily and excitedly and finding that he would lie so often and readily. Spouse has: ADHD like a motherfucker, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and is prolly spectrum. I have: BPD (with several different leaning factors, including schizotypal, but he never moved beyond basic BPD label for me that I recall), depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, prolly spectrum. Our brain bugs don't always play nice together, but we're comforting to each other and try our best. We take care of each other and even when there's upsets, we try to work it out immediately or as immediately as we can manage so as to move on with our lives and figure out how to be better people about things in the future. We're nowhere near divorce, we're happy, we're in love. He's my best friend, ffs, I love the dweeb. But the problem remains: It's been at least 4 years now. Four years of him working hard to not lie to me, to be honest, to change things. Things are SO MUCH BETTER than they used to be, and improve all the time. I've been trying to improve and work on my end, and having a diagnosis helps a lot since it lets me know what to study and where and how, try to find different things that might make sense or that I can steal pieces of and wrench around till they function for me. Four. Years. .. and I'm still constantly scared I'm being lied to. Weird shit happens to him, all the time. Right time right place style things, but nothing over the top crazy. And gentle prodding or poking when I'm :/?? about something is dealt with calmly but it obviously upsets him. ..I don't know how to trust him. I don't know how to trust anyone or anything not to hurt me or turn around and laugh, and that hurts so badly because he's the only person I trust to not hurt me yet I can't get my bullshit brain to function right and do this One Thing. I always feel cautious, suspicious, like I'm being lied to. I know it's from a lifetime of abuse and then four years of bullshit from him that we've long since moved past together. So. How do I do this? How do I forgive, actually forget, and stop being constantly suspicious? I know a LOT is linked to my history and my brain, and idk how to fix this or cope or move forward or.. anything really. But it's holding me back a lot. Any advice would be appreciated.
