I have a friend who had a friend who had a daughter. the daughter was six and looked up to my friend as a parent, and now said daughter is dead. my friend's understandably distraught and heartbroken and all that sort of stuff, but I'm not sure what to do, because I've never dealt well with grief or grieving people and she won't stop talking about it. I...don't know how to handle grieving people very well unless I've experienced a similar situation; it seems I just can't summon sympathy, though I can make do with empathy, so I try to avoid situations where sympathy is needed because I can't summon empathy because I haven't been through what the person's been through. in this case, well, I've never lost a child, I can't summon empathy for my friend...but my sympathy is failing me miserably, and I don't know what to say or do for my friend to make her feel better or anything, and I don't even know what I'm supposed to say or do. basically, I'm very stuck, and don't know how to get unstuck. help, please?
Grief is a really hard and variable thing. Sometimes all people really want is for someone to listen to them, but otoh you're not obliged to be her grief counsellor. Do you think she'd respond well to something along the lines of "I cannot imagine what you're going through right now; is there anything I can do to help?"
oh, yeah, that's a good idea! I hadn't thought of asking that; mostly I've just been sitting and saying "I'm sorry" and "I know" in response to things like "I miss her" and "this hurts" and such. I know I'm not obliged to be her grief counselor, but I just...feel very bad turning people away, even if it's a thing I'm very bad at and uncomfortable with, like trying to handle grief.
Ah, ok, I wasn't sure if "stuck" applied to feeling lost as to how to help her, or feeling trapped by an obligation to help her. I can't remember where I read it, but there's a quote to the effect of "grief is socially awkward". Barring, say, grief counsellors and other exceptions, I'm not sure that anyone considers themselves good at handling grief, so don't feel bad that you have a hard time with it. Your heart is certainly in the right place.
it's not that I feel obligated to; I've never felt an obligation to help with grief, and in fact as a child I usually just abandoned grieving people until they stopped grieving and talked about interesting things again. but she is my friend and I really do what to help her, I just....am not entirely sure how. if she says there's nothing I can do to help, I don't know what to do besides listen and apologize, and that...doesn't really feel like enough? it doesn't seem all that helpful, at least.
As minimal as it sounds, sometimes someone who'll listen to you without trying to cheer you up is exactly what you need. And even if she says there's nothing you can do, the fact that you offered will help at some level.
