This all really kicked off about two weeks ago... I'm not the kind of person who has a lot of friends, but the friends I do have I hold very close and dear to me and- well, I basically live for them and their approval. This is all over the internet as well- mainly Skype. I was just playing around with them, when my computer crashed because I accidentally opened up too many programs (photoshop was the last nail in the coffin). when I came back I told them what had happened and that my computer crashed because of memory reasons, my friend blamed Minecraft because it's not the best optimized game in the world and so my friend (we'll call her A) said "maybe you can give it more memory?". knowing that I'd done something similar in the past- I looked up a few tutorials and changed a few numbers to give my Minecraft, more memory... only it wouldn't run at all- kept on crashing no matter what I did. I became frantic and panicked because I'd just brought this computer and it was expensive and I'd gone and broke it. in the heat of panic and running around I blamed A for doing this because she'd given the advice. my other only very close friend (we'll call her B) chimed in and told me that I was acting out of line. At this point I was distracted trying to figure out how to fix my PC all in the mist of a mild panic attack. I apologized quickly and went on to 'beat myself up' and so said "just do you worst" when it comes to verbally punching me... only problem is... A left the conversation more panic ensues and more self-beating up, because I'd lost a dear friend over a stupid argument, and the only thing worse was that I fixed my goddamn PC. I told B that I was deeply sorry for what I had done, but I was too scared to apologies right away. then everything seemed to halt for a few days.... I tried to act normal around B, but to no avail. I wrote an apology on Tumblr- again, beating myself up, but accidentally tagged their users- making everything worse, because that meant B 'wanted some time away' and for me and A to 'talk' while she was. A contacted me an hour later and we talked... she laid out all my flaws out on the table and told me how bad I was and all I could do was slouch and nod my head like a student getting in trouble with the teacher. I told her that "yes, some of these are true, and I've been working on them- especially my jealousy which I noticed a couple months back, but I'm trying really hard not to let that get out of hand" to which A replied "that's good!" She then told me that B had been thinking of leaving me for a while now and that 'she knows you can change so she hasn't left yet, she has hope' this didn't help as, this meant that all the time we'd talked, she'd thought about letting me go and throwing me in the trash. a few days pass, no more talking, but B comes back and we regroup... talk for a little bit and I feel like I'm walking on paper-thin eggshells. I, again, try to be normal- send cat and hamster pictures, even if I feel like somethings not right. and it's not. I say to B that I'm going to contact my biological dad, because I need to know who I am, and she strongly rejects and calls him a scumbag. again- feelings get out of control, so I insult her father... she leaves... I run to A and she said I pretty much deserve it and this goes down: Spoiler: Skype conversation Me: I'm just so lonely... that I'm becoming desperate and savage, because I've been let go and dumped on the roadside so many times- at this kind of time, that I become- I don't know, just someone who's really really really really scared Me: I went a full year without any form of friend in secondary school, then some people came up to me, betrayed me, left me alone again... A: If you care enough about any of your friends now, maybe this time you will actually take some action and break that cycle. Me: I don't know HOW A: and you expect us to know the answers? FIND THE ANSWERS. A: FIND THEM A: JUST BECAUSE THEY ARENT THERE DOESNT MEAN THEY CANT BE FOUND A: -sighs- Im sorry. Im just... A: I need time too. Me: hmm Me: and I can't handle being a lone- so... A: Well. A: Let this be a lesson then, if you don't want to be. Me: hmm Me: I've tried my hardest, A- I honestly have A: If you haven't even found the answers for the sake of your friends. You haven't really tried much at all. A: Especially if you were waiting on me to break the ice of our previous situation Me: I don't know what these 'answers' are or any of that kind of thing- it's all jibberish to me, and saying 'find the answers' doesn't help, because I don't understand what you're saying. A: I have no more to say to you then. Me I hold my hands up.. Me: I'm sorry I'm so stupid and don't understand anything. A: I'm not going to take self-pity as an apology. I'm not going to take any apology right now. You need someone , something to help you understand. And your friends can't be those people. You can't rely on people to show you the way. Friends support. They SUPPORT. They aren't therapists. Because you're always stuck in a cycle of "I want to know all things, how they work." But yet when it comes to social things you refuse the same right? It's always been so baffling to me how that never seemed to carry over because you let your past run you over so much to the point that the people who dare to appreciate you get worn out from how dedicated you are to repeating the history and not standing up to yourself for once. I've since then sent an apology to B and told her that I'm truly sorry, if there was anything I could do, and that I respect if she needs space and Time... A says she needs two whole weeks to think and B hasn't said anything at all, even though she's active on tumblr and likes/reblogs my posts that I make. my mental health isn't the best... I have Socophobia/Social anxiety, generalized anxiety, depression, Dyslexia and a slew of stress related illnesses, one of which could be very dangerous (heart palpitations) all of which have intensified. since the incident my depression has plummeted down into a dark hole that I'm trying to crawl out of, but it's a lost cause... I've had feelings of self harm (but not acting on them yet), and have stopped eating well at all (I only really have a sandwich when I wake up) I DO have a counselor, but I only get to see her every two or so weeks, and she mainly focuses on anxiety related issues. What can I do? I don't want to loose them because A's been my friend for three years and B's been my friend for 5 and I don't think in my condition I could make anymore friends. but I'm so lonely, I live with my mum, but she works every day, so I only see her for a few hours when she's getting ready for work and when she comes in. I only have one other person to rely on, but they're studying for their finals so I can't expect them to talk to me every single day, because that's not possible. I'm sorry I rambled so long... I just need help.
Sounds to me that there is a lot behind the scenes that have gone on and boiled over between you and A/B , because reacting THAT severely to a "stupid argument" is a little over the line here if you isolate this to these events exclusively. The way A acted in particular while talking to you afterwards suggests this heavily, from the way that she does not seem particularly preoccupied with the actual events that caused this split, instead focusing on past events and her perception of your behaviors. Are there any particular events that have gone on in the past that you think have bothered her? What reasons, if any, do you think A would choose to focus on these parts instead of the parts where you blamed her in your fit of paranoia and insulting B's father? Pardon me if this is a more personal question you are willing to answer. But this whole thing sounds a bit suspicious with how you said A and B all acted. Communication seems to be fairly non-existent here, while A and B seem to feel burdened with the responsibility of finding answers to your qualms. Is there any way you can talk to your counselor about getting referred to a more specialized therapist? I would highly suggest speaking to them about moving up, because I am getting some DPD-ish vibes from you. I do not want to assume, as you already seem to be at least AWARE of your illnesses. But it would definitely not hurt letting a therapist know if you suspect other illnesses. If not a diagnosis, one would be at least be able to pin down the things you fear the most and work towards bettering/lessening them.
Both me and B are artists and I have questioned her art and choices in the past about things that didn't make sense to me, so I kept on about it for maybe an hour and then B just basically gave up on it, even though I'd asked her not too, and she told that to A, and then this thing happened and A got at my throat about it during our talk. I'm not sure about A, other than my general personality quirks and that I have a scientific mind and love to find out things, especially if they're animal related, so I guess that grinds her gears. There was one instance- (I'm British and A is American) that I learnt something about America from a quick fact book, and told it to A, and she refuted it wholeheartedly and told me that she knows her country better than someone who's not from there and kind of shouted at me. We're usually pretty good with each other in speaking terms, me and B have small spats at one another, but we've never been BAD. I upset her once about trying to learn about Mythical creatures once and touting about my knowledge and she kinda hated me for it, as well as when B introduced me to Doctor who, I dived into the series like a fish in the sea and she didn't like that I 'left her' at the surface, but all of this is two or so years ago. B is that she's kind of protective and didn't want me getting hurt, because- well, okay, this is opening another whole can of worms, but in short: biological dad left when I was a baby and didn't have any contact with me until the beginning of this year, and I've wanted to contact him back, but it's over facebook, and it's glitched so I can't actually talk to him, so I was going to send him a letter and that's when B reacted negatively, and thinks that he's a total scumbag and only wants to hurt me even further. THAT and, the only other 'real man' in my life- my Ex, has semi-stalked me for the past two years and was 100% manipulative... it was both A and B that saved me from that relationship, so I guess that's another reason why B doesn't want me to meet my father. I'm not too sure, but A did mention that 'this had been a long time coming', so I don't know why she didn't mention anything before this ever happened, although in these events she kept going on about me being 'too analytical' and that I think too much and that I'm paranoid as all hell (which I mean, I have anxiety issues and loneliness issues which both amount to Paranoia, I'm trying to work on not feeling like I'm being betrayed all the time, but it's not magically going to go away). the way A laid everything out, everything seemed to be my fault, she even went on to say that I treated my friends as enemies- which makes no sense at all. Thanks for the BPB tip- I've looked into it, and it's frighteningly similar to me, I'll bring it up with my counselor and asked if I can be transferred- since my next session is my last with her.
That's good. Keep us posted if you have any success with your counselor! I don't necessarily agree with A and her actions. But you seem to have a lot more conflicted feelings about A despite her attempts to be more (seemingly) transparent with you than B. Talking about flaws and discontent with a close friend is a hard thing to talk about if you have Depression. Anxiety especially. Does A have either of these? In this case, she might just be in the same shoes you are and finds it difficult to talk about their feelings as much as you. Does she 'kind-of' shout at you often? Is she a person you picture as someone who treats you unfairly overall? Do you think she hates you for your analytical nature, or struggles to understand or relate to it? It seems to me she has difficulty understanding your perspective and you understanding hers and B's. If A and B have helped you leave an abusive and manipulative ex, surely they at least look out for your well-being? Did you ever attempt to communicate your past transgressions with her as you wish she had with hers? If you have not, then it is less likely she will open up and mention anything she finds complicated and hard to understand about you. Communication is a two-way road. Why do you think she would say something like this? You mention your deep paranoia and have previously stated that you do not have very many friends outside of A and B. Do you think she suspects you think her and B as enemies? What kind of other friends to A and B have? Do you, as a potential effect of paranoia and dependency, fear that these friends will take attention away from you? Oftentimes, those with DPD/Dependent behaviors who have friends they labeled their "Favorite" or "only friends" they find other mutual friends a threat. Oftentimes this turns into the Dependent becoming defensive or even possessive of the Favorite when the Dependent comes into contact with them. I think that while A isn't communicating perfectly clearly, there is a distinct lack of reciprocation from your end as well regardless of their hesitation to open to you. As I said, social issues aren't ones that can be discussed as academically as an analytical discussion. Sorry for all the questions. I find asking questions are easier than waffling too long on potential details. :P
I guess I am conflicted because it was all dumped on me at a highly stressful time. A has depression and social anxiety as well, but powers through them to work at a job that involves a lot of human contact. not really, A's usually pretty chill with me, it's just in a few cases she can get a bit uppidy, so no unfair-treatment. I think she just can't grasp what I'm like personallity wise, because she's kind of opposite and 'thinks with the heart' whilst I 'think with my head' so to speak. I'm not too sure... I don't think she does... more like she thinks I'm acting jealous towards other friends that they have- I feel jealous, but I don't take any action on it, so I don't know how she's come to that conclusion. I know that B has three other friends that live near her and that she frequently goes out with one of them, so I feel kind of left out- even though it's not physically possible for me to be with her. and A has family members they talk too and I think two-three other contacts. I'm inclined to agree, but I've never really felt anything negative towards A and B- apart from mine and B's spats that were sorted out the same day or the next day...
Ahem. Perhaps I have overstepped my bounds here. I do sincerely apologize for that, as I do let my own pursuit of knowledge overshadow a person's better health and interest to recover. I hope someone else replies and gives you more level-headed pointers of how to proceed from here. Your health and recovery matter, and there's a huge community of helpful people on this forum. If nothing else, you have made a really really good choice of joining and trying to make sense of it so you can have a better relationship with your friends. I am still interested to know the results of if you get your counselor to move you up into more in-depth therapy, though . I know first-hand how awfully difficult it is to even get to that point, so I know how difficult it may be to open up to a counselor. So feel free to send me a message if anything comes of it!
Things went down the literal shitter, as I confronted B about her silence towards me, even though I said I'd respect her... and she said she's been happier without me and told me that I ruined her art. It's hurt me so much she's never said anything like this before and I felt we were best friends... but now she's admitted to dreading to coming online to even talk to me. Spoiler: suicide mention it hurt me so much that I tried to jump out of my window last night, because in my head it was the right thing to do... my best friend hated me and she didn't need me, she said I was so toxic and that I trapped her via guilt tripping. Mum found me and stopped me, which I'm thankful for.... I'm just... lost. no one even remotely likes me any more... I'm on my own and they love it.
