I am honestly and sincerely concerned for their wellbeing, but have no idea if/what I can do. NSFW + bad relationship trigger warning Tl;Dr, friends had brief relationship with extremely bad communication, one inadvertently did something sexual-bad to the other because the other had verbally and physically consented at the time, shit got weird. So: both college students living on-campus, met through mutual friends about a year ago. Over the course of the semester, they and their roommate (and the other people in their living group) got to be pretty much my best friends. The ex-friend is definitely aspie, but I didn't notice until someone actually told me because their friend-to-friend social skills are very good. I have depression, and they have a family history of depression and have had more than one episode of "Oh god, I want to be alone and just like drive back to my childhood home or something but I can't" in the past semester. (I witnessed one, and at the time they said it'd happened before.) They are also religious - not very performative/extreme, but definitely religious. I had a crush on them, and it was super awkward for me, esp. since I was stuck 'dating' someone else at the time. Around the time I finally convinced my ex that we were properly broken up, I asked my friend on a date. They said no, but really wanted to stay friends with me. Then they changed their mind. We sort-of went on two dates, in that we hung out alone and cuddled (+mild kissing/a little more the first time, with rather enthusiastic verbal and physical consent, but I had the presence of mind to go "no, we should stop doing this now." Which was a good thing bc it turned out they hadn't meant to go that far,) but in between there was a period where we weren't dating and cuddling sort-of happened there too. I had previous relationship experience and explicitly said during all this, at least once but probably more than once, that I wanted to do what they wanted to do, but that my last relationship had been way, way too sexual so I didn't really have a good script. However, they never actually told me what they wanted to do, and then, after everything went pear-shaped, said that we "wanted different things at different times" even though they... never... told me?? What they wanted??? In there somewhere, I got pissy at/about one of their other friends, 'Joe,' who had been going on not-a-dates with my friend since the previous year. I saw him as competition, and acted like a jealous middle-schooler. This is a spot I definitely made the wrong decision, and is probably one reason for the unfriending. (Joe didn't actually catch on to this, which is good bc he's really a nice guy. I did apologize to my friend about it after we broke up bc I recognized my behavior had been inappropriate. I actually forget whether this was the first or second breakup.) The final breakup reason was "I'm sorry, but you have the wrong genitals." I was intellectually fine with this, but cried on them a bit. We sorta talked about feelings/I admitted my long and painfully embarrassing crush. I thought things were ok. The next day, they did something with sexual aspects that made me really uncomfortable, and I sent a badly-worded text to that effect + the info that it was because I hadn't gotten over my sexual desire. It was genuinely badly worded. We're talking drunk-text bad here. At this point, they suddenly cut off talking with me. My mental health was very marginal due to the combo of emotional stress/SAD/hormone cycle stuff cutting in, so it took me a week to realize something was up and it wasn't my internal emotional state making things up. I talked with them. They said they were upset that I had been over at their place (mostly with their roommate) pretty much every night after we broke up (Usually had been 2-3 nights a week beforehand), so I apologized. They may have explicitly said "I don't want you coming over," at this point, but in context I interpreted it as "don't just invite yourself over." The next day, after friendly conversation at dinner with the gang, I went off to finish a round of labwork with a few conversation threads still hanging. I texted my friend to ask if it was ok for me to come over. They responded much more negatively than I was expecting, but I wrote it off as "huh, weird. Ok." Came back from a Thanksgiving break with no communication minus a friendly text or two from my direction, and apparently me *asking* whether I could come over was a huge invasion of personal space, I was "irritating", we were no longer friends, and they didn't want me to be around them at all. They had been lured into a relationship because it sounded neat, but realized their initial reasons for turning me down ("you're irritating," although at the time they had made what seemed like a sincere statement that they really, really wanted to stay friends) had actually been right. They regretted things they had done while in a relationship. I assume this was the kissing and/or other physical physical/emotional closeness but I actually don't know for sure. They at least have maintained that they don't want to mess up my friendships with our mutual friends, but (based on a second talk) are apparently upset that the times they talked to me about feelings, I didn't let them talk and just got sad all over them, which.... yeah, I did a lot of talking, but I had actually been confused during the emotional spillouts because they weren't saying anything? Anyway, obviously I have a lot of confusing emotions about them right now, which makes it really hard to make a good evaluation of what the hell is going on, but I'm still honestly worried. Their reasons for "acting like [I'm] a stranger" are stated to be both, A. I didn't know to stop interacting with them before I explicitly asked, and misinterpreted something they said once and B. They strongly regret having done... uh. I assume acts of physical and emotional intimacy, but don't actually know for sure. I explicitly told them that my only interest in them now is platonic, and that I would not intentionally do anything ("sitting near them" is the specific one I can remember rn) that made them feel uncomfortable as long as they, y'know, made sure I knew not to do that. This is all typical tumultuous breakup stuff. I agree that the two of us should not attempt to date. I also agree that I have some serious issues of my own going on. The thing is... they've openly said that they don't hate me, and their behavior's been bizarrely conciliatory for someone who wants to be not-friends. Timeline for perspective? - Monday afternoon: friendship called off. Reeling, more from confirmation than shock, I happen to see their roommate (also, as previously mentioned, one of my besties) and tell them that me and ex-friend are no longer friends. I send Ex an email asking basically why/clarifying some club-related business stuff. They respond as described above. - Monday evening: they work late, so they don't come to dinner and I just assume it's because they went a little later to avoid seeing me. Turns out (as my roommate later told me) they ended up trailing their other friends and me back homewards with not even a shout-out to their other friends. - Briefly encounter them during the week and do my best to ignore them/stay out of their way as desired. - Friday, ask to talk to them, they say yes. Get a little more detail: I 'talk too much' + the general impression that they're pretty dang emotionally wounded by whatever they were going through. Not that they like. Talk very much. Considering that they were literally saying that I had been drowning them out and then immediately went back to saying nothing, I was pretty confused. - Sunday lunch: They come for food while me, their roommate, and then, after a few minutes, Joe, are there, sitting together and talking about totally innocuous stuff. As expected, they avoid contact in favor of curling up in a ball around their phone with headphones on, and Joe is really confused because the two of them were supposed to hang out later in the day. Gave Joe a basic "they're avoiding me, it's a long story, you can ask later" deal, but got his number so that I can potentially contact him. So, basically, I'm worried about my (ex?)friend because they seem to be isolating themselves, and maybe not just when I'm actually around. Obviously, I also bear some amount of culpability for this since something I did was probably a trigger. Also, for *some* reason "I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU ANY MORE!!!1! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" didn't actually make me stop caring about their health and well-being. I think I might be the only one who knows that they've been having mental breakdowns, and especially considering they seem to be the type who reacts to stress attacks by hunkering down and hiding, that's... ominous, now that they've gained a concrete thing to be upset about. I'm doing a heck of a lot better now, but the memory of what it feels like to have a panic attack about romance/sexual acts you wish you hadn't done is still vividly familiar to me. I can't deal with the idea of someone else having to live with that, but at the same time I know I might actually make the problem worse. IDK. Just wanted outsiders' perspectives on all this.
Their weird back and forth "Let's be friends!" to "Don't come over to see your friends!" to "You're the problem even though I never told you this!" stuff really makes it seem like they're focusing on your former relationship to account for any number of feelings they might have already been having. I don't think you can or should help them. They are not your responsibility, and they have made it abundantly clear that their boundaries are so wildly in flux that nothing you do for them will be okay minute to minute. If their friends ask you what's up you can explain from your perspective and express worry, but I'd strongly suggest respecting the furthest out boundaries they set consistently instead of trying to predict what they may or may not want from day to day. They might be going through stuff, and you might have been a trigger, but that's all to do with them and their situation. It sucks, but they've made their position on your involvement in their life clear (at points). For now you both are likely better off solidifying the (ex-?) in the ex-friend label.
@Beldaran Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, our campus is *really small* and they've moved on to writing nasty emails for having the audacity to... sit at a nearby table in the dining hall and eat a sandwich in silence where neither of us could actually see the other??? (Hopefully they'll calm down over break, but for now, this is ridiculous...) (I'm also their superior on the exec board of a club, and they've said they're not planning to step down which is... jfk, the club president has my back since he knows exactly what's going on, but how exactly does the ex- think that's all going to work??? Magic???)
Eurgh, yeah, that sounds super messy. I think your best bet is to continue being as reasonable as you've been being, and perhaps set some boundaries of your own if their behavior is bothering you. You could ask them not to email you anymore, for instance, since they don't seem to like getting even friendly messages from you. Anyway, they might be freaking out/jealous over the whole shared friends thing. That y'alls friend group has not immediately demonized you and chosen them to support isn't a logical thing to be upset about, but it's still a thing a lot of people feel when they're not in a good place emotionally. If they sulk and isolate themself around their friends when you're around, could be they want to see if people will come to them with attention at the expense of hanging out with you. I've known people like that. I hope this nonsense simmers down soon. :I
