Hi. I've been avoiding doing an introduction because I'm not really sure who I am right now. So what I offer you is an explanation. I broke myself last year. Due to circumstances, I ended up soloing an apartment meant for two. I was doing about 55-65 hours every week to take care of the cost. I did early mornings, I did late nights, I did over nights. There was no time of day that I was ever consistently home. I was alone, too tired to socialize. I worked, I ate, I slept, and those few hours that my brain just fizzed with anxiety and depression, I stalked Tumblr. And I just broke my spoons the whole year. It's all over now. I live at home, I'm doing about 40 hours a week. I have time again, but I'm afraid I lost me at some point. I am a little flesh thing running on auto-pilot. I know how to fake socializing. I know how to take care of myself. But my ability to feel is very limited. My ability to do is very limited. Now, I can tell you who I was. I can tell you what I used to do and like, but my existence now is just a series of coping methods. I am here because it is where what little of me left spends time, because I can't actually stop existing, so I have to be some where. And it's very nice here. I have been actually happy, which is all sorts of strange to me at the moment. (And yes, I am pursuing mental health care. No I am not a risk to myself.) In order to make this not 100% depressing, here are what old me was into: Video games - a particular fondness for FFVII, Dragon Age(haven't played inquisition yet), Suikoden series, and Xenosaga Art - mostly drawing, painting, and sculpture, though I have done a bit of digital Self-care People/brain things Helping people Dark stuff(gore, torture, non-con, depressing things in general) World building Writing
burnout is miserable. i'm glad you're in a place where you have more time to be, and to figure out who you are again. i know what you mean, i think. it's kind of scary and it's also kind of surreal when you think about it, because how can i not be me? but sometimes i still don't know if i'm back to being me. far less often than i used to, at least.
:c don't tell me I may be like this for a whole year. I was really planning on being a functional "me" by the end of summer. I sorta visualize it as I am a broken shell, and "me" is underneath all of it. "Me" peaks out between the cracks every now and then and waves. Then "me" goes back because it's too exhausting living outside of the shell.
Why yes! I was surprisingly delighted by the blog interests we share ^_^ I'm afraid I may never go back though! *friendly head nudge* Ah! I noticed I didn't add any preferred pronouns or anything. I'm about as apathetic about it as Seebs, but "she" is what I'm used to hearing. Edit: also I know my name is a bit of a mouthful, but I usually refer to myself as "Baa Baa". I am not opposed to nick names, but I'm afraid I'm terrible at coming up with them.
tbh i think how long it lasts is probably different for everyone? i had untreated/poorly treated depression for around four or five years before i got a handle on it, so it makes sense that it has longer-lasting effects for me. otoh i don't want to say "yes you'll be totally fine by summer" just in case you're not and then you feel worse because you feel like you "should" have been. anyway so this isn't entirely gloomy-sounding your nickname "baa baa" reminds me that i used to have a lambchop handpuppet when i was little, so this has been incorporated into my mental image of you.
@budgie Well, I'm pretty sure I've always been depressed. Both my dad and sister have dysthymia(they are both currently medicated for it. My sister is doing very well) and my family has suggested that I have the same thing. I'm pretty much in agreement because constant feeling of "bleh" is my life in a nutshell. This burn out though... That I'm having a hard time dealing with. Like I have no spoons. All my spoons end up being used here(used to be used up on Seebs' blog and tumblr). Like, I have a whole list of things I want to write about, but no spoons. What is seen here is the extent of my ability to do. And that is incredibly depressing. And I already got depressed about how long my recovery was going to take because I naively thought it would take me a couple weeks once I stopped overloading myself. Clearly that's not happening. Also, I have found that the little highs I'm getting here are making me a little roller coastery. I'm actually feeling particularly discouraged and sad between my happy spikes. *siiiiiggh* Not depressing thing: This is the song that never ends~ It just goes on and on my friends! Some people started singing it not knowing what it was! And they'll continue singing it forever just because This is the song that never ends~ (That was from that show, right?? It's been so long! xD)
tbqh when I was little the song that never ends creeped me the hell out. I was not good with anything that encouraged me to contemplate infinite recursion. er. Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're in a place now where you have breathing room to find yourself again, and I hope recovery goes smoothly for you. /hugs, if you want them.
i once attempted to annoy my mom with that song (i was probably about five or six.) i sang a couple verses, stopped, and asked if she was annoyed. she said no. i sighed, started again, then asked again. still no. after the third try i just gave up. i was not a very sneaky child.
i've done burnout like you describe a few times in my life, @rorleuaisen . it really does get better. i remember what it was like to come out of that headspace -- after being homeless, living in an overcrowded semi-squat's walk-in closet, then the frozen basement of a stoner house, then briefly moving back in with my parents, all the while trying to find a job in the early 90's without a car and being sick off and on the whole time -- when seebs called me up needing a roommate, i was so burnt out that i said yes even though i had basically no clue wtf was going on, because i just could not make decisions anymore. and then after a few months with mellow company and knowing where the hell i was going to sleep each night, one day my brain just suddenly woke the fuck up. i recall sitting up in bed, looking at the squares of sunlight on the weird 70's carpet of my room and how that room's floor was a different height than the kitchen's so there was a step at the door, and why does my bedroom open directly off the kitchen anyhow, and i was like, "whoa, this is a goofy-ass apartment!" -- i'd been living there for a month or two before this occurred to me. anyhow, what i'm trying to say is, it can take a while to come out of burnout, but when you do, it's pretty cool. :D
