I've gotten much, much better since I started getting my depression treated, and reading about how important self care is has been really helpful in not feeling guilty about doing things like staying in bed, and giving me the strength to tell my parents that I do actually need to lie down today, or that no, I haven't done x/y thing because it isn't a priority and taking care of myself is. The amount of nagging from said parents has also decreased, partly because I now have the energy to do more things more regularly, and partly because they have seen the effectiveness of what I do. My worry now is that I might get too used to just.. not pushing myself when I need it. I have always had problems with self-discipline and doing things on time/with time, and I know that I avoid a lot of things if I can help it, but I want to change and improve my habits. I've started using HabitRPG to help me, my agenda is being updated again, and I have little post it notes of things to do all over my wall in my room as a reminder so that I can add and remove and not forget. So like... how do I figure out when I am taking care of myself to make sure I am doing ok and not feel guilty, but also not just thinking I can get away with things?
Well, sometimes self-care is pushing yourself to do things. Like going to the doctor or taking a shower or washing stuff so you have things to wear.
My personal experience has been that when you're ready to do a thing, it doesn't really feel like pushing yourself anymore. Sort of like with doing stretches: if your body isn't very flexible, your hands won't be anywhere near your toes, but if you keep practicing every day, you'll end up reaching them without ever feeling like you're straining yourself. Eventually if you just keep working at it, it will come naturally. Even if you really want to get flexible, grabbing your toes and forcing your body to make that pose will just hurt your muscles rather help you reach further. With avoidant behavior (and let me tell you, am I familiar with that!) a "stretch" could start with imagining yourself doing the thing, imagining it as a possible thing you could possibly do, what would that look like? What times of day are the best times to do the thing? What might you want to wear, or bring with you? How might you get there? From there, it might take me awhile, but eventually I will just naturally end up doing the thing--after all, I've been planning how to do it for months. But honestly, if you're recovering from depression in particular, it's best to err on the side of self-indulgence. I have never, ever known someone who was depressed but working on recovery who swang so far into self-indulgence that it was unhealthy, but I have known many depressed people who push themselves too hard and burn themselves out even worse. Being depressed makes you less able to see and value what you've accomplished. While it's likely that there are a lot of different base causes of depression, at least some of them seem to break the reward circuits in your brain. Treating the depression will make you feel like doing more because doing the things will make you feel good instead of feeling exhausted.
Hm, I guess I haven't considered doing things good for me as self-care, just as Things I Must Do or Fixing My Life. I've managed to reach a really stable level, like, the shooting for a Job and then Grad School, so those generally don't feel as hard anymore and more just, something to do which I am supremely relieved for. So a bit like how Aya said actually :) Generally, I'm worried about the myriad little things in life, not as much the big things. Like being consistent at exercise, and disciplined with my eating (though not as much as my mom wants me :/) and basically, doing all the things I want to do, just, do them. I don't have much to say I guess. I'm worried of being stuck. Like, it wouldn't be so bad to be stuck where I am because I am so much happier than I was, but I want to dream big and get big and like... make my family proud. Make my dad eyes glitter like how when he tells me I'm brilliant, or feel like I am worth my lil bro's support, or that my mom doesn't feel letdown after standing up for me at significant emotional expense when my dad had a very different view point on how to help me (my dad is very much WILL TAKES YOU THROUGH ANYTHING YO UARE BEING DEFEATIST GET UP and that was not helping when I started my recuperation, mom was able to give me the space I needed to gather myself up even though she was very skeptical of the whole approach too).
From what you're saying about how far you've recovered, I think your family has plenty to be proud of you for already. Remember what I said about depressed people not valuing their own accomplishments? I know that's probably not the kind of response you're looking for, so I'll give you another response that's also probably not the kind of response you're looking for but is probably closer: I don't think there's anything wrong with the desire to make your family proud (unless you feel like you have to and it's not just something you want to do), but you don't have to do that tomorrow, or even next week. You have time.
I have a sort of similar problem in that I think my depression voice is hiding behind self-care to try to talk me out of doing things. Because things are difficult, and they cost spoons, and I might fail and then feel terrible, and all the coping strategies I've built up will crumble and I'll go right back to being suicidal again. So maybe better to wait until I feel more up to it. Y'know, for self-care. It's really annoying how many different ways my depression/anxiety can find to try to screw me up.
Thanks @Aya. I admit that I feel antsy for taking a year and a half just to recover, but there are time concerns at play. Or maybe that is just societal pressure? I dunno. Parents are starting to expect more from me too, which is both good and bad. @Meagen Image Augh, sneaky depression things are just. Picture me sitting here with my fingers stuffed into my ears going "shutupshutup" repeatedly. I sometimes wonder if anthromorphosizing the depression voice/lies would help me with dealing with it more.
